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Elton Camp Poem
The Excelling Value of Algebra
By Elton Camp
Of everything that I’ve studied on earth,
Algebra proved to have the most worth.
From it don’t be led astray.
Later, you use it every day.
Whether you become a farmer or actor,
Many times expressions you will factor.
And quadratic equations are such a delight.
You will come to use them day and night.
It’s just wonderful to be able
To use a logarithmic table.
To succeed in life you have no hope
Unless you’re able to determine slope.
Multiplying binomials is a useful skill.
On a resume, it gives the boss a thrill.
Knowing how perfect square trinomials to solve
Can very easily be the key to getting a better job.
For inequalities to know all about
Has much practical value, no doubt.
Exponents everybody surely does need.
And to solve them with greatest speed.
Strive to learn the values of X and Y.
If you can’t, you might as well die.
Algebra is just essential to learn
If a decent living you hope to earn.
Copyright © Elton Camp | Year Posted 2010
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Elton Camp Poem
You Know
By Elton Camp
The conversation has only begun
When I realize it is with a moron.
On every thought he does bestow
The foolish phrase, “You know.”
Just how could I possibly know
Until he proceeds to tell me so.
“I really like sports, you know.
They just put my heart aglow.”
“I met Joe Montana two years ago.
It was just such a thrill, you know.”
How could I know just how he felt
When with his idol he had dealt.
“I like baseball pitches, fast or slow.
That’s the throwing speed, you know”
To learn that I simply couldn’t wait.
On word meaning he kept me straight.
Then golf he includes among the rest.
I learn that it is the sport he likes best.
“I just love to hear Tiger Woods crow.
In playing golf he’s the best, you know.”
His praise of sports continues to flow.
About all he may say, he thinks I know.
“Once, to the World Series, I got to go.
And there I had so much fun, you know.”
For sports tickets, I spend lots of dough,
But it’s well worth it to me, you know.”
I wonder if it is well-spent to his wife.
And how about the children in his life.
Into all of his chat, he continues to throw
His favorite phrase, one that I do know.
“Well, I guess that it’s time for me to go.
It’s been great meeting you, you know.”
Copyright © Elton Camp | Year Posted 2011
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Elton Camp Poem
Striving for Political Correctness
By Elton Camp
It would just be the end
If by words we do offend.
There’s the devil to be paid
If we call a spade a spade.
“Vertically challenged” means short.
“Horizontally challenged,” a fat sort.
“Nondiscretionary fragrance” means we stink.
“Living impaired” means your’re dead I think.
“Cerebrally challenged” and you are plain dumb.
“Hispanic” and it is Mexico that you come from.
“Niceness deprived” tells that you are mean.
As “oppressor-to-be” a young boy can be seen.
“Follicularly challenged” guys really are bald.
“Gay” is what males who hump men are called.
The “residentially flexible” will live out on the street.
“Nontraditional success” and a poor man you meet.
“Economically maximized” describes one rich.
“Economically marginalized” do live in a ditch.
“Visually challenged” is the blind guy you see.
“Reality challenged” people are crazy as can be.
“Locationally challenged” folks are those lost.
“Unjust self-esteem reduction” criticism’s cost.
A “maintenance portal” is the name for a manhole.
While “sexually dysfunctional” is a perverted soul.
The garbage collector is a “sanitation engineer.”
“Petroleum transfer specialist” pumps gas I fear.
The “termination specialist” other people does kill.
“Body entrepreneur” describes a prostitute if you will.
“Factually unencumbered” are the ignorant folk.
“Alternative answer” means an error was spoke.
If lazy, then we aren’t “motivationally disposed.”
“Discretionary fragrance” and perfume is nosed.
The “chronologically gifted” are just old.
“Rustically inclined” is redneck I’m told.
“Vertically gifted” people describes those who are tall.
“Client of the correctional system” a prisoner we call.
“Cerebrally gifted” people are those who are smart.
Be “metabolically challenged,” and dead thou art.
“Nonwaged” and it is a job you do lack.
“Amorally gifted” and a crook you track.
“Knowledge conveyor” speaks of the teacher.
“Personality repressor” describes the preacher.
With a “conceptual conflict” you are not sure.
The “under-alert” just some sleep will cure.
Now we are expected to play the “correctness” game.
Which means we call almost nothing by its true name.
In keeping with that, you see,
This poem is correct as can be.
Copyright © Elton Camp | Year Posted 2010
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Elton Camp Poem
By Elton Camp
Animal rights groups are in an uproar
They don’t want to hear of it anymore
While swimming, a shark came around
Into its fin, his teeth he viciously ground
He said shark fin soup was his best treat
One that he took every occasion to eat
They said the shark was in his own habitat
And that nothing could be wrong about that
The man, they wanted to be put away
In a prison cell, for many years to decay
“A shark’s life is very precious to us.
That’s why we are raising such a fuss.”
“We can’t see why it’s hard to understand.
Animal life is fully equal to that of a man.”
The animal lovers came down to the beach
A lesson in caring there to publicly teach
They offered the shark a tasty treat
But found he preferred human meat
The animals rights folks he dragged away
No more about cruelty did they have to say
Copyright © Elton Camp | Year Posted 2014
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Elton Camp Poem
A Caveman on the Prowl
Grogg is not going out to hunt and gather
But to see if he can find a mate he’d rather
He doesn’t even need to think of some line
As a hard conk on the head will do just fine
Copyright © Elton Camp | Year Posted 2011
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Elton Camp Poem
By Elton Camp
Tex had a longhorn he hoped to sell
But it was too dirty to do very well
It’d been lolling in the mud and dust
To get it all cleaned up was a must
So Tex pulled into the car wash bay
He put in coins and began to spray
He washed the critter nose to tail
Got it all ready for the cattle sale
But loading it back onto the truck
He got gored and was out of luck
So here’s the moral to this tale
Wash a cow and it may impale
Copyright © Elton Camp | Year Posted 2014
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Elton Camp Poem
Paula Deen the Butter Queen
By Elton Camp and María Camp
She is the butter makers’ delight
To nutritionists, she is a fright
Krispy Kreme with eggs and bacon
Great health risks are thus taken
Her bacon cheeseburger meatloaf
Is perfect if you are a gigantic oaf
For a nation that is already too fat
She sees nothing wrong with that
People who her cookbooks buy
Eat such and may too soon die
She had diabetes for three years
With no caution to change gears.
Her cookbooks flying
Right off the shelf
Likely contributing
To early death
It tastes good, she decreed!
Many folks with her agreed
So many calories, but it is so good
Eat whatever you like is what you should
After her disease she finally shared
To represent a diabetes drug she dared
Cigarettes warn, but not Paula Deen
Of butter, sugar and fat – she is queen
To “that word” she admitted use
There are allegations of other abuse
One is suing and wanting some dough
Is this former employee in the know?
An awkward apology, she did make
How many attempts does it take?
One wonders if she is sincere
Or if it is just fear for career
Whatever happens in the days ahead
Is her heyday officially dead?
Don’t be quick to rule her out
She still has pull and clout
Copyright © Elton Camp | Year Posted 2013
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Elton Camp Poem
By Elton Camp
For the entirety of his married life
Maurice had been ruled by his wife
For anything that happened to occur
He had no choice but to answer to her
Just ordering him around wasn’t enough
Since Zelda was often violent and rough
Any disagreement she’d always win
Even if she had to use her rolling pin
They were driving one day when “Smash!”
With a Mack truck they had a bad crash
Bystanders took a look with dread
And found both of them were dead
Since Maurice, his former life did hate
He was glad to stand at the pearly gate
From domination, he expected relief
Without Zelda bringing him any grief
He thought heaven would be so grand
Then he saw Zelda, rolling pin in hand
The sights cut poor Maurice to his heart
“What happened to till death do us part?”
Maurice said, “St. Pete, if you don’t mind
The route to the other place I’ll try to find”
Copyright © Elton Camp | Year Posted 2014
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Elton Camp Poem
I Ran Two Miles Today
By Elton Camp
Being too fat I really do despise
One solution is plenty of exercise
I’m proud to be able to say
I did rather well with it today
A sudden inspiration I got
Started running on the spot
Nothing would make me slow down
I zipped across sidewalk and ground
I had a goal that I wanted to meet
And wasn’t going to take defeat
As the goal I drew near
Onlookers began to cheer
“Go chubby,” one called out
“Onward! another did shout
I kept running until I was ready to drop
That ice cream truck was hard to stop
Copyright © Elton Camp | Year Posted 2014
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Elton Camp Poem
Incredible Product Warnings
By Elton Camp
Far from folly this hair dry warning is keeping
In telling snoozers, “Do not use while sleeping”
Thinking of putting a curl in your colon or tongue?
“For external use only,” on curling iron is hung
This most would know, you certainly would think:
On toilet: “Recycled flush water is unsafe to drink.”
If anyone did, the result would give dentists a thrill
“Electric rotary tool is not for use as a dental drill.”
A 13-inch wheelbarrow wheel this caution did produce:
Buyers were firmly told, “Not intended for highway use”
Anyone one who does this would probably be a goner:
Note on a laser printer cartridge: “Do not eat toner.”
And it was on a coffee cup this warning we did spot:
It so clearly stated, “Caution: Hot beverages are hot”
On a Frisbee the following warning we did see:
“Warning: May contain small parts.” Can it be?
If to clean your teeth, you happen to be in a rush,
“Do not use orally,” we once saw on a toilet brush
To do nothing at all with it is all that you can choose:
On battery: “Do not recharge, put in backward or use”
And just in case you previously did this unwisely try,
Is said: “Do not look into laser with remaining eye”
Disregard this warning and quite bad results you get:
In microwave manual: “Do not use for drying pet.”
For just one single use the maker does give the nod
“For use on animals only,” is written of a cattle prod
“For use by trained personnel only” the warning note
On a can of air freshener someone very plainly wrote
Sign on a Boeing 757 much careless handling does stop:
Gives the necessary warning as “Fragile. Do not drop”
Thinking of putting your kid away for rest of the day:
“Remove infant before folding” baby stroller does say
And then whether they are used for days or for nights:
“For indoor or outdoor use only,” on Christmas lights
On child’s Superman costume this warning we did spy:
“Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly”
To already know, surely most would have gumption
On a package of dice: “Not for human consumption”
“Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand”
Its need on a chainsaw is pretty hard to understand
“May be harmful if swallowed” the caution read
Of a shipment of hammers, though, it was said
Since such a thing almost nobody would have expected,
“Warning: May contain nuts” for peanut bag was selected
Copyright © Elton Camp | Year Posted 2011
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