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Lunar Patni Poem
I hate being trans.
I hate repeating my name
i hate cutting my hair
I hate it when people tell me "they wish they had my chest"
and i hate it when people say to "look my best"
but my best isnt a suit and tie
my best is a dress.
i hate looking at people and thinking "i wonder if theyd be into guys"
i hate looking at boys and thinking "I wish i was him sometimes"
I hate feeling unsafe in my body
like watching a scary movie and wanting to turn away
wanting to turn it off
but you can't.
the tears i cried when i realized id never be the same
because im not a girl.
no, not with this name.
I hate living in fear of being shot when i go outside
i hate the world i live in
and i hate myself.
and i hate being trans.
Copyright © Lunar Patni | Year Posted 2023
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Lunar Patni Poem
When I talk about you, compliments gush out of my mouth.
they pour like a bottle of honey
now my bottle is almost empty
you squeeze and squeeze until only drops are left
and even then you hit the bottle, wanting more
you long for more honey but there is never enough
so you buy another bottle.
you long for nectar like a hummingbird
you envy them, for they can fly backwards and you cant
so you hit and hit the bottle, wanting more
but the bottle has gone dry
and so has my heart.
Copyright © Lunar Patni | Year Posted 2023
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Lunar Patni Poem
I run my hand through my coal colored hair.
I blink the tears out of my dirty eyes.
I pick the skin on my caramel arms.
I fight the thoughts in my weighed brain.
I freeze as i hear the poisoned yells.
I run, as it's too late to reason.
I'm chased by the monsters and their sharp teeth
and i ignore their sharper words.
I hide in the cell i call my own.
I hear the voices beyond the barrier.
I ignore the screams of pure hatred.
I hear bangs and thuds but i don't unlock.
i hide in the room i call my home.
I talk to the voices that aren't there
and i ask them not to leave me.
They voices leave but the monsters don't.
yelling the whole way.
i see a silver shining square and hold it to my chest.
i close my eyes and brace myself as the shining sliver turns red.
My coal colored hair is brushed back.
My dirty eyes widen in shock.
My caramel skin is stained in blood.
and the thoughts in my brain have won.
Copyright © Lunar Patni | Year Posted 2023
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Lunar Patni Poem
I light up my lighter but never to smoke
but to do something that makes me a joke.
i set a candle on fire, the flames grow higher
as i watch the violet envelope the crimson.
the candle is pink and striped with white
it casts a yellow shining light.
wax pools in the lake below the wick
i feel it getting to the brim and making me sick.
i tilt the candle askew so it aligns with my hand
and it drip, drip, drips on my command.
i hiss out in pain
but it helps me restrain
from doing something inhumane.
but wax isn't bad enough to be something serious
and wax isn't sane enough to not be called delirious.
so i sit in my room and i drip the hot wax
'till i fall on the floor and finally collapse.
Copyright © Lunar Patni | Year Posted 2023
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Lunar Patni Poem
Last night i accidentally confessed to my friend
I didn’t even know i did it until he started to apologize and tell me i deserved better
“I wish i could give you what you deserve.” Is what he said to me
And i laughed and asked him what he was talking about
When he started to explain, i swear i could feel the color drain from my face
“How could i be so stupid?”
I read the messages over and over again, holding my phone close to my eyes, reading over and over and over again
I threw my phone to the ground and hid myself in the bathroom
Call Your Mom by Noah Kahan played on loop
I couldn’t stop crying
I couldn’t start breathing
I held my legs up to my chest
“I don't want to,
I don't want to”
I repeated over and over, sobbing through my words
No one heard my cries
No one heard my tears
Even if they did, no one would help
I wouldn't let them.
One swipe across my arm
Two
Three
Five
Ten
Twenty
And i lost count.
Once i ran out of room i flipped my arm over, wine dripping on my bathroom floor tiles
One swipe across my wrist
Two
Twenty.
I open the app and it gives me a notification, “24 days sober!”
I click past it and press “relapse.”
“You are not alone,”
The app tells me
But i am.
I am so alone.
Copyright © Lunar Patni | Year Posted 2024
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Lunar Patni Poem
The other man
I throw myself onto my bed and sob
Oh how painful it is when your delusions prove to be wrong
I guess everything i thought was a sign really were just coincidences
You were supposed to love me.
ME!
This were supposed to be different, YOU. were supposed to be different
But no, of course not.
The thoughts in the back of my head were right
Someone as beautiful as you really couldn't love someone like me
I hate love
Its stupid and its painful and its only for pretty people
Pretty people like you
Copyright © Lunar Patni | Year Posted 2024
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Lunar Patni Poem
Naked
I want to see you naked
But please keep your clothes on
I want to see you emotionally naked
I want to know all your secrets
I want to know everything about you
I cant keep hesitating when someone asks me your favorite color
Or how many pets or siblings you have
I want you to emotionally strip for me
But keep your clothes ON.
Copyright © Lunar Patni | Year Posted 2024
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Lunar Patni Poem
A boy i considered my friend asked me,
“Do you have any friends?”
I paused and typed out “what?” With a shaky hand.
“I don't mean to be rude, but you respond so quickly at any hour of day or night,” He quickly reassures me.
“Don’t you have anyone else to talk to?”
“Depends.” my nails click on the screen.
“What do you consider a friend?”
He takes a second to respond.
A minute
Five
Before he messages back
“Someone you can trust and spend a lot of time with.”
I freeze up a little before i answer
“I have you.”
“Do you have any friends beside me?”
I whisper the word as i type it.
“No.”
He was taken to the mental hospital one day later.
Copyright © Lunar Patni | Year Posted 2024
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