Last Night

Last night i accidentally confessed to my friend I didn’t even know i did it until he started to apologize and tell me i deserved better “I wish i could give you what you deserve.” Is what he said to me And i laughed and asked him what he was talking about When he started to explain, i swear i could feel the color drain from my face “How could i be so stupid?” I read the messages over and over again, holding my phone close to my eyes, reading over and over and over again I threw my phone to the ground and hid myself in the bathroom Call Your Mom by Noah Kahan played on loop I couldn’t stop crying I couldn’t start breathing I held my legs up to my chest “I don't want to, I don't want to” I repeated over and over, sobbing through my words No one heard my cries No one heard my tears Even if they did, no one would help I wouldn't let them. One swipe across my arm Two Three Five Ten Twenty And i lost count. Once i ran out of room i flipped my arm over, wine dripping on my bathroom floor tiles One swipe across my wrist Two Twenty. I open the app and it gives me a notification, “24 days sober!” I click past it and press “relapse.” “You are not alone,” The app tells me But i am. I am so alone.