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Isaac Cheale Poem
Treat this poem as the truth
Non-fiction...
Because this is the best way I can try to describe what it feels like to suffer with cocaine addiction
It’s hard to even put this feeling of addiction into words
To a ‘non-addict’, the things that I am saying may seem absurd..
Like how do I even begin to explain
I wish a ‘non-addict’ could experience this feeling of entrapment and pain...
That I feel...
Cravings are like being starving and someone throwing away your meal..
Or like wanting a wank in bed, really bad, and someone comes in and tells you NO..
These are bad analogy’s I know
But this is the best way I can hypothetically show...
This feeling of addiction
See when you’re hungry, food is what you try and sort,
When you’re alone and honey, wanking is you’re only thought...
See when I’m craving cocaine, my urges are so extreme I bought...
AND bought...
AND bought..
Picture the scene,
I had a fake ID and started to go out clubbing at 16,
tried cocaine for the first time in a cubical with some random lad...
I’ve been trying to relive that ‘first time experience’ ever since
Addicts suffer with that mentality of trying to relive that ‘FIRST key’...
Isn’t that mad,
I used to love sniffing cocaine at any social place...
Now I can’t stop sniffing it sober, so much so I struggle to look myself in the face..
It suddenly went from sniffing at events to sniffing it my room at home..
On my own...
It’s scary how cocaine takes you from being sociable and ‘happy’ to isolated and alone
I’m stressed...
I can’t get this addiction under control and it’s messing with my head
It feels like I’m alone fighting this,
I am gradually becoming more and more depressed.
I hate myself when I’m on this white stuff,
Not eating a thing,
Not sleeping a wink,
Alcohol I’m necking but water barely enough,
When that first key enters my nose it’s game over,
Its like that key travels through my brain and finds the worst door to unlock,
Keeps it open until I can’t use anymore,
It waits open until my pain has run out,
After I’ve asked everyone I know for money,
Ringing random numbers at stupid o’clock,
Praying that they have restocked,
Searching my room again and again, hoping I would see a white speck or a tiny rock,
Lying in bed shaking but sweating, promising myself that I won’t do this again,
And guess what,
Tomorrow, that key will travel to my darkened doorstep and start to go ‘knock knock knock’
I’m sorry for everyone close to me that is watching me go through this
I hate myself for getting In this hole, it’s my own greed and selfishness I admit,
I know you are unsure where the old isaac went, and even I 100% miss...
The old me,
I just want to be an addict and free,
It’s annoying as I know A.A is the answer but I always try and flee,
In a way, I hate the meetings as they give the answer and tell me how to be...
A better person,
I’ve read bills story, I’ve read the 12 steps, but I end up upset and annoyed,
Maybe it’s recovery I fear, life without this devil of a drug,
Either way I need to attempt to climb out of this seemingly never ending void
I hate myself when I’m on this white stuff,
Not eating a thing,
Not sleeping a wink,
Alcohol I’m necking but water barely enough,
When that first key enters my nose it’s game over,
Its like that key travels through my brain and finds the worst door to unlock,
Keeps it open until I can’t use anymore,
It waits open until my pain has run out,
After I’ve asked everyone I know for money,
Ringing random numbers at stupid o’clock,
Praying that they have restocked,
Searching my room again and again, hoping I would see a white speck or a tiny rock,
Lying in bed shaking but sweating, promising myself that I won’t do this again,
And guess what,
Tomorrow, that key will travel to my darkened doorstep and start to go ‘knock knock knock’
So goodbye mr cocaine, you’ve left me nothing but self hatred and pain,
It’s time to free this beast from my brain,
Goodbye to the days of acting and feeling insane,
Goodbye to you making me feel ,
I’m putting my foot down now
This time stay in your Lane..
Goodbye mr cocaine, say bye to the nights we spent together
Goodbyes mr cocaine, and goodbye forever.
Copyright © Isaac Cheale | Year Posted 2021
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