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My Friend Mary
Remembering our friendship
how we'd talk for hours about
any topic family love kids life
how it hurt not to hear from
one another sending cards
pictures letters remember that
I remember so well that achy
lonely feeling watching snow flakes
fall or raindrops hit the windows
wondering if you were seeing the
same pebbles high on top of the
sky scrapers silly me I learned
to just have my coffee alone everyday
sitting with that same smiley face cup
until it broke I replaced it with
a beach chair yes with that pink
flamingo and all and of course
My big beach hat I remembered
wearing it early morning hours
I arrived funny there you were
waiting for me remember that
embrace I can still taste the salt
water tear drops on your cheek
that smell of the gulf on first street
watching the sun rise over the bridge
thinking everything is going to be okay
now from a simple touch why was that
touch so fallible it took years to have again
we were wishing waiting talking everyday
can you imagine that way before facetime
text messages we certainly couldn't
send a page to one another an yet we
kelp a constant line of communication
operator can you please connect this call
sharing each other's hopes dreams
listening to each other's bad days
good days finding solutions to make
each and every day okay remember that
against all odds my favorite song
and nothing can come between us
funny right well I have to admit I've
been so desperately trying not to feel
that friendship I must believe it was
only for the ages that famous saying
for our time maybe our times just
wasn't ours at all it was his hers theirs
we were an endless conversation for
everyone around us waiting watching
the crucial destruction of trust giving
caring so deeply for one another I never
fathomed just how it felt to share such
a love I didn't know it was love because
I needed a friend so did you we couldn't
even use love then not in those days not
the way love should be used the love
catchers on thee other hand snarled
gnarled pulling our hands apart like two
little children playing in a field of dreams
like we weren't allowed this made me lonesome
very very lonesome trying to figure out why
you couldn't show yourself why you just couldn't
come out i know now we weren't supposed to
become friends we weren't supposed to fall in
love this must have sent the fbi into a freinzy
it had to be destroyed killed i understand now
why you began sending strangers inside my
home to read my personal journal I wondered
why you didn't just knock this eerie eerie truth it
frightened me to death I can't believe I never
stopped writing you letters I never sent decades
of poetry they became a grand novel a complete
scrapbook of our lives together apart while you
became invisble i overstand why you could never
ever hug me hold my hand wink at me ever again
you were never my friend i was only this tool i
certainly wasn't important enough to save just a tool
I can't imagine I was even seen as human at this point
a tool keeping that line of communication open
to get you out of prison early part of a payoff
a deal that required me to where wires around
my unborn babies buying weapons and drugs
the fbi told me how dangerous you were to so
many people I couldn't see that then I guess I
was a cleshe that lonely battered woman in use
there were times I believed the fbi were my best
friends it didn't always seems like a job we went
to eat as a family laughed the supervisor even sang
my girl to my kids to distract them in case I was killed in
a hostage situation today god only knows how many
violent offenders expectations to be released early
under my wearing wires pregnant for the FBI
i wonder do they know me do they hate me are
they coming to kill me again I never know who
they are i just listen for gunfire maybe a blessing
maybe a curse sense my injury I can read our letters
and embrace yet a beautiful time when I needed
this imaginary friendship of ours to manage grief
pain and suffering and when it began fading I
began writing holding nothing back it was easy
coming to the realization that it wasn't real
the greatest gift that came from it all my real
true friendship with your mother Mary and I
we spent hours talking about everything family
life love children flowers cards and friendship
I miss my friend Mary mostly during holy week
we never missed sending out the cards not once
until she got too sick she just loved sending out
Birthday Christmas and most of all Easter cards.
Copyright ©
Yolanda Nicholsen
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