Just -- Trust Me - 1st HALF Text plus FULL Audio
Here's the deal, folks...
This is, as indicated, the 2nd HALF of this fairly lengthy poem. Due to Poetry Soup's file-size limitations, this piece had to be posted in 2 parts.
The 1st HALF can be accessed, of course, by going to - "Poems by Mark Stellinga" - on the Soup. Sorry for the inconvenience...
Thanks for reading, or listening, or both...whatever the case may be -
It’s been about a month since I received a morning phone call from someone with a rare, old car for sale.
The fella claimed he had to sell the car to raise the funds to get his sister’s brother out of jail!
The name he gave was one I’d never heard, and I was busy, so, naturally, I started getting mad.
But, damn it…I just couldn’t resist remaining on the phone - at least until he’d told me what he had.
He claimed some guy who knew that I bought oddball classic vehicles suggested he approach me with his ride.
I asked him who had told him and he said, “I don’t remember…and anyway…I’m pretty sure he died!!!”
Everything about the call was “fishy.” You know…weird. But, nervously, I let him spill his guts.
And by the time he’d told me what it was that he was selling…I knew the guy was full of crap…or nuts!
He said, “The car’s an ‘Edison’…and that’s who built the car, and everything about it is unique.
And even though it’s gorgeous, it was never mass produced. I guess you’d have to call the thing - a freak!
“I think he got a patent, but, in 1884, I doubt if many guys were making cars.
Of course I hate to sell it, but it tears my heart in two to see my buddy’s face behind them bars!
“It runs and handles flawlessly, has torque you won’t believe. It’s powered by a....tri-cam - V-13!
Its chassis length is thirty feet…with seven tires per side, has 40 forward gears --- reverse....16!
“It’s got a roof that’s tamboured, which completely disappears inside the rear-seat’s back - like desks you’ve seen…
A tailgate style of windshield - that withdraws into the dash - where long revolving brushes scrub it clean -
“Nitro-burning retro-rockets - deep inside its fenders…enhancing how it steers and how it stops… And telescoping cylinders embedded in its corners that lift the car…the way they do in shops!
“Tandem axles - rear - and front…with large hydraulic pistons to force them down so…when you blow a tire…
Bumper jacks and wrenches - (made for taking off the lug nuts) - ain’t no longer needed!” WHAT A LIAR!
“The carbon fiber engine,” he continued with his spiel, “re-circulates the gasoline it burns
To heat the tires, which makes them grip the road when peeling out, and helps improve the traction in the turns.
“A check valve in the oil pan - with linkage to a float - that lets you use a pump to change the oil,
And small pneumatic solenoids that - governed by the air flow - will - as is needed - raise and lower a foil.
“The body’s made of stainless steel…its bumpers - solid graphite - which means, of course, that rust is not a factor.
Its non-slip differential interchanges - while you’re driving - to give you all the power of a tractor
“When pulling something really big, and even lets you change - electric’ly - for reaching higher speeds!
And, yes, the car is loaded to the gills with all the features that most believe the “perfect auto” needs.
“Of course there’s - air conditioning…and power everything…including heated seats and rear view mirrors.
And all the seats are lined with tiny motion sensing diodes - so when the driver runs ‘er through the gears -
“Every single person in the car is unaffected. It feels a bit like floating.
What a ride!
Even on the roughest roads you’ll swear they’re silky smooth, and on the curves, there is no -- side to side!
“She’ll go, with ease, three fifty, and - wide open - close to four…and, best of all, she’s really great on gas.
In town she’s never gotten less than ninety-five per gallon!
She’s got it all…the looks…the power…the class!”
Well, everything this wiener claimed just made no sense at all, and I, of course, was not the least enticed…
But harder yet to swallow was the crap he fed me next, when - just for kicks - I asked....“So - how’s it priced?”
“Maybe I’m a little high,” he started his response, “but cars as rare as this are hard to find.
And, trust me…there’s no way in hell I’d ever let ‘er go if I were not in such an awful bind.
“It’s never been for sale before, and parting with her now is very nearly more than I can bear.
The price is not negotiable, but once the car arrives, I’m sure that you’ll agree my price was fair.
“I’d let you come and see it, but there simply isn’t time, ‘cause, even if you flew....it’s just too far.
And I would email photos, but my Polaroid is broken. Just - trust me…you’ll be thrilled you bought this car.
“This price is only good for cash. No checks…and no receipts. I’ve cut it to the bone. I’ll need it all.
Just simply Western Union me the funds by noon today. I’ll ship the car tomorrow…then I’ll call.
“I know you’re gonna love it, friend, and trust me, this will be - of all the deals on cars you’ve ever made -
The wisest one by far…so my advice to you is this: ‘Get down to Western Union....get me paid....
“Then hang around the phone, so I can call when it's been shipped. And trust me, friend…I’ll ship it right away.
The price I need is - seven hundred dollars. That’s his bail! And, like I said....I need the cash today!”
Now, don't miss the surprising 2nd half, it's one of my all time corniest story-poems -