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If I have to talk about Love
If I have to talk about love
I don't think I will be able to
As I don't believe I have fallen in love yet
The powerful, all-devouring and most importantly requited kind
The warm hugs, late-night conversations and the days spent together kind
The kind that I yearn for - I haven't found it yet
But if I have to talk about love
I'll talk about the butterflies I felt in my stomach when he held me for the first time as I stumbled
I'll talk about the electricity coursing through my veins due to the slightest contact our arms made as we brushed past each other
I'll talk about the hours I spent waiting in the crowd for the slightest glimpse of him
I'll talk about the bus rides and our conversations - short-lived but still a reality
I'll talk about the way my heart was beating as I spoke to him for the first time
I'll talk about the ecstasy I felt as he tried to hold my hand
I'll talk about the sleepless nights I spent replaying each and every moment I spent with him in my mind, until he disappeared, and only his memories remained
But if I have to talk about love
I have to also talk about falling out of it
I'll talk about the butterflies I felt in my stomach as he raked his eyes over my body after I wore something he wanted me to - only this time, the butterflies were accompanied by an incomprehensible anxiety
I'll talk about the times I sat, listening to his advice knowing damn well that everything he said was an attempt at moulding me into the kind of girl he liked
I'll talk about the moment he refused to speak to me, for reasons beyond my knowledge or understanding, reasons that will forever evade me
I'll talk about the way I cut my eyes away after seeing him, even though I spent an hour in his wait
I'll talk about the triumph I felt when I gathered the courage to delete his leftover traces from my life - and it felt like an achievement
I'll talk about the moment the realisation dawned on me that I was never loved, just used and manipulated - and the shame I felt after
I'll talk about the day my heart let go of him and I finally became free from the love I felt for him
I'll talk and talk and talk
And in the end, I will make myself believe that it was never love in the first place; just lust.
Copyright ©
Vedangee Kadam
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