Attitude with latitude
Attitude with latitude
originally written January 19th, 2019
and tension defines the dynamic
Valiant prince sip pulled effort
rebuffed, snubbed, thumbed
courtesy eldest daughter
uncontested vainglorious woke
mine genuine apology,
viz sincerely yours truly
psyche asper paternal overture
toward aforementioned offspring
smitten with opprobrium
figuratively smacked upside the head
delivered sucker (judy shuss) punch
crashing off "FAKE" pedestal,
her emailed response
rather disquieting cruel rebuttal
set me unsettled beyond
any experienced grief
upon conscientious soul bearing
headline message to "star student"
starting "mother informed me my attempts
to convey sentiments difficult to decipher,
I (an average sixty four year young)
Caucasian earthling, albeit married
yet negligent emotionally endoersing marriage
hope this endeavor expresses more clarity."
Metaphorical wind knocked out of my sails
found mine mindset
fitbit spinning sentimental flashbacks
comprising affectionate adulations
those bygone days
papa atop the world
within perceived minecrafted
dada's doting domain
killed crash test dummy
herewith vitriol now entirely excerpted:
Personal communique from progeny:
"I'm not sure what to say. My goal
wasn't to make you suicidal, and I
don't hate you guys. It is really quite
demanding of you to ask me to forgive,
when we're talking about 18 years of
trauma. I believe that you both regret
it but I don't know how that is supposed
to change the impact of emotional/physical
insecurity during some of the most
formative years of my life. I wasn't
raised to have a close relationship
with either of you; I was often pushed
away until eventually I gave up.
I don't know what sort of relationship
you want, to be completely honest.
We were never the type of people to
sit around the dinner table together
or talk about what I learned in school/clubs.
In fact, you often locked your door on
Shana, and I until that forced us to learn
to pick your lock. And mother shut herself
off similarly. Do you simply want to hear
the words "I forgive you" so you can stop
feeling guilty about what you did to us?
Do you just want to be absolved of the
lasting impacts I've dealt with all my life?
You raised me to become distant, and
the only reason Shana isn't as distant as
I am is because she hasn't fully built the
community of friends to lean on that I have.
I am genuinely asking (not a rhetorical
question): what sort of relationship do
you want? Or do you just want me to
make you feel better by saying everything
is forgiven?"
The above daring deed done dirt cheap
to allow, enable and provide
understanding utter heartbreak,
when she replied
tummy pained poetic expression
previously aired, yet also
repeated to experience
albeit vicariously, how
I hammered out metered footnote
to ease mental exertion
titled "No Matter Papa Repents..."
appended as helpful afterthought
firstborn fizzled fielded
filched bonafide heartfelt risk
which olive branch flamed out
into burnt offering.
No Matter Papa Repents...
Every blasted acrimonious misdeed
aye indelibly perpetrated
affecting ye and the Punim for life
hounds me doggone soul night and day
venomous wrath torments, strangles, racks...
every bone in mine entire body
suicidal ideations haunt every
waking and sleeping hour,
perhaps previous attempts to communicate,
(albeit poetically - for no rhyme nor reason)
fell short, asper yours truly
to claim accountability,
culpability, responsibility...
unwittingly subjecting thee, a prized progeny
with legacy, where
diabolical, emotional,
financial psychological... trauma
compromised your care free growing up years
namely while residing
at 1148 Greentree Lane
exacerbated by mine self absorption
countless hours misspent
whiling away precious time
mesmerized more so
with computer technology,
versus prioritizing fleeting moments
with "mother" and/or offspring
yes..he now pays heavy price
pursuing amorous liaisons
gallivanting, flirting, emailing...
impacting (obliviousness
pitifully lame retort unacceptable)
feigning much ado about nothing
snappishly barking anger
such vitriol (mine)
sabotaged once in
lifetime golden opportunity
to foster, kindle pinterest
with spouse and daughters
subsequently deepening rift
rivalling Mariana Trench
love's labour's lost forever
frittering away compounded
half heartedly seeking employment
even though - NO LIE
inexplicable debilitating anxiety
buzzfeeding panic attacks
plaguing my psyche
since...birth, incapacitating
maximizing potential abilities
playing havoc pledging troth
with counterpart exhibiting
mental health challenges
unfairly begetting deux darling lasses
thee bearing brunt of pennilessness,
at aforementioned residence
unlivable, horribly untidy,
toxic with mold, cluttered...
such offal sight, sounds of screaming,
(when Shana nonverbal), stench...
now suffer (PLEASE BELIEVE)
suicidal ideation plagues my conscience
pointed objects quite inviting
remembrance of things past,
a worse fate than sentenced
to death at Sing Sing Up Pore!
PLEASE FORGIVE DADA...?
Copyright ©
Matthew Harris
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