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Living with Agoraphobia
Coping with Agoraphobia well you are basically pent up
in your home for me it finally took it's toil my therapist
came to my home because I was basically limited spending
hours in a room peeking through maroon drapes keeping my
home dark besides the daylight hurt my sore swollen eyes
always trying to hide I wasn't crying my children said mom
has the crying disease because the tears flowed then panic
sinks in for me it was the domestic abuse wearing the wires
pregnant for the FBI the emotional trauma of hearing my fetus
heartbeat so very loud I never understood that except to say
god reminding me of my living fetus in my womb the guilt of
allowing the FBI to install the wires on my unborn baby as a
catholic mom I am dreadfully in shock thee going deep inside
hostage situations buying weapons and drugs from junk sick
city officials with guns I couldn't show fear then one of my
therapist said when I left that situation working on the Airforce
base feeling safe and relaxed when wham a table fell on my foot
I relived the nightmare of wearing the wires for the FBI pregnant
in that moment I had a severe panic attack this truly emptied
my mind into my throat I couldn't swallow heart racing thunder
in my chest that began the severe anxiety Agoraphobia but I'm
very blessed medication management helped a lot healing coping
fearing for my life whose coming to kill me who knows me as an
informant am I safe is that a hitman or an insurance guy recovering
from being a confidential human source in a world of full blown
terrorist witnessing a murder meant for me that my abusive
ex an arson murderer of 9 my stalkers gang leaders I will never
ever feel safe again reading license plates looking for threats from
the arson murderer of 9 his corrupt city officials reading to run me
over afraid of crowds panting palms sweating afraid of having
another panic attack in public and losing my way getting hurt because
nobody understands my disease I really hated that people just didn't
understand me some people thought I was a snob staying in my
room reading Mrs. Dalloway a room of her own John Keats or
William Butler Yeats looking out the window watching life happen
outside I cried because I couldn't go to the grocery store I cried
walking to go pick up my kids from school reciting for the all the way
sake of his sorrowful passion have mercy on us and on the whole
world living in procession clutching my rosary why I cried in front
of teachers they were kind understanding practically rushing into
the medical van to hurry back home rocking back and forth balling
myself up in a fetal position reciting 100 for the sake of his sorrowful
passion have mercy on us and on the whole world just from leaving
the house but that was progress it was progress I didn't need it
always landed me in first responders alert trucks panting so
embarrassing people victimize you when you're this vulnerable
you're only relax around your disabled peers persons with a
disability some you see some you can't but somehow there's
a spiritual human connection to assure you are safe that I too am
healing coping surviving only family members could take me out
to doctors pharmacies which was where I shopped because there
was no crowds there, I had to get meds. I've come along way with
support from Veterans Military order of the Purple Heart the am vets
the American Legion through my catholic church family through
consistent treatment away from crowds I feel safe until my next
doctors appointment when the license plates began as soon as I
put on my seat belt click I blink my eyes focus on the license plates
I've started wearing my night mask when my husband drive me
to my doctors it really helps or simply remove my glasses since
my eye socket was crushed and reading license plates uncontrollably
for all these years has caused blindness which is quite the blessing
not being able to see them helps with my anxiety disorder Agoraphobia
For we walk by faith not by sight
Copyright ©
Yolanda Nicholsen
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