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Addiction Part 2

You ask how I really am when you damn well know,
My world is crumbling right now.
But I'll be fine,
Just give it some time,
Just take it one day at a time.
This isn't the first time,
Nor will it be the last,
That I've fought against myself.
It's okay to stumble,
That's part of the struggle.
It's not how often you fall,
It's how many times you get back up. Every day when I wake up
I have the choice,
To continue fighting the good fight,
Unafraid to fail.
I am capable. 
I am adequate. 
I am enough.
Despite the lies my mind tries to create 
To fool me.
I am flawed,
I  up sometimes,
But that is what makes me human.
I don't always cope with stress well,
I get overwhelmed easy,
Little things can send me into a tizzy.
I have a bad habit of catching a case
Of don't give a ,
And that makes me unstable and dangerous.
I like to dip my toes in the water
When I know I can't swim.
I doubt myself,
My ability to not drown,
And , I'm so tired of just treading water.
I've spent so long self destructing
That it's become second nature to me.
My soul is sick,
From all the secrets I keep
And the substances I seek.
The chaos is merely a symptom of the disease,
Don't hate the addict, 
Because I plea insanity. 
Chronic relapses plague me,
Sobriety has always been terminally temporary.
I keep ending up back at ground zero,
It's a habitual hiatus,
Stuck in my ways,
It's slowly killing me.
It's a vicious cycle,
Will I ever see it end?
Maybe if I add some follow through 
To my action plan.
Better yet,
Don't drop the act.
I expect different results,
How when I'm still dealing with the same demons,
Just wearing more intricate disguises.
Damn this instability, 
Recovery slowly drifting out of reach,
Depression detonates saturating my being straight down to my bones,
I'm praying for the day mania flows,
Motivation is zero,
Like I mentally disturbed zombie
All I do is sleep. 
I am so deep is this low,
Ashamed of how easy I gave up,
How quick that guilt hit,
Fed up with all these sad days,
Finding myself spiritual bankrupt again
God stopped answering me,
And I'm isolating away my days. 
Forgive me for I have sinned,
I'll repent directly after this go around
With insanity comes to an end.
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,
So I skip another dose, 
Take a sip off this bottle
To soothe the pain within me.
Excuse the odd hours, 
I'm mentally exhaused,
On the road towards needing help because I'm flirting with active addiction
And those stimulants just make me weak.
The on again off again relationship with dope makes me dream of death,
There are times I'd welcome the end,
I'm slipping more mad more
And I don't have many more recoveries in me,
Especially when all I wanna do is run away.
I wanna go ghost,
Right down the rabbit hole I go.
I haven't yet,
But there's no telling though.
When mania hits my rational thinking may be the first to go.
But for now
I'm putting in just enough effort to sneak by,
I put on a show so good 
That I almost escape my reality,
Normal is surreal.
How long will they buy it?
When I'm on my 
It's like I get to a certain point
Then inevitably I do a massive backslide...
Every ing time.
So close to making it,
But my subconscious fear of success
Stops me in my tracks,
Sending me 1 step forward 
And 10 steps back.
Self sabotage at it's best,
Oh, save me the speech,
There's no saving me from me.
I guess I find security in the fact that
No one can hurt me more than me,
And I've survived everything.
If I want to have a future,
Worth living for,
So many elements have to change,
But changing is out of my comfort zone.
Stuffing emotions,
And then numbing that nonsense out
Is the norm.
Suffering in self inflicted hell,
Being too stubborn to tap out has been the safety net that's saved me.
The irony in the struggle,
It's the pent up pain,
The suicidal rage that saves me.
Yeah, I've come to the shocking conclusion that maybe I'm just a little ing crazy. 

Copyright © Nikki Pruitt