Being Bob
Being Bob
Bob, is just an ordinary guy in every sense of the word. Five ft eight inches tall, a little on the chubby side and has lost most of his hair. No one pays much attention to Bob, that’s just the way it has always been. Until one warm day in June he wakes up in an alternate reality.
The day starts like any other weekday. He wakes up at 6:30 shuffles to the bathroom with his eyes closed to take a piss. He hopes to maintain that groggy sleepy feel so he can go back to bed for another hour before he gets ready for work. He thinks “Maybe I’ll just call in sick and take a day for myself.” Bob hates his job but he always makes it to his desk exactly five minutes early. Writing copy for dog and cat food isn’t exciting work, but it pays the bills.
Bob’s ex wife trained him well. She didn’t like when he dribbled on the floor. So Bob pees sitting down. You might think that when she left him, Bob would have gone back to standing up. But “Regular Joe” Bob, is a creature of habit. When she left him she said, “I need someone more spontaneous.” Ironic when you consider that she sucked every ounce of spontaneity out of him.
As Bob sits on the toilet, he feels like it is somehow further down. Not only that, it feels smaller. He finishes, wipes himself and flushes the toilet. Even the chrome flush handle feels small in his hand. He shuffles over to the sink, washes his hands and splashes water on his face. Then he runs his fingers through his hair. His hair feels thick and soft like back when he was a teenager. This makes Bob open his eyes. The reflection in the mirror is a complete shock. There on the other side of the glass is a tall man with thick dark black hair. Instead of wearing Walmart cotton pyjamas he’s wearing luxurious satin ones. He unbuttons the top to look at his body. He looks like a Greek God with a chiselled physique. He pulls out the waistband of his pants to reveal what’s below and is pleased to see it is impressive.
Bob’s pretty sure he’s still dreaming so he thinks. “I hope I don’t wake up.” Just then a beautiful woman walks into the bathroom wearing nothing but a wedding ring. She walks up behind him, wraps her hands around his waist and says “Good morning darling.” Memories of the two of them come flooding back to him. He turns around and embraces her, his new found vigour pressing into her abdomen. She responds by removing his pyjamas and leading him to the shower. All the while Bob is thinking “Don’t wake up, don’t wake up!” After their shower she drys him off with a towel, smiles and says “It’s time to get ready for work.” Bob looks into the bedroom and sees the digital clock by the bed reads 7:45 am. He has to be at work by 9:00 am.
While he gets dressed she makes him a slice of toast. She gives him an open mouth kiss and is out the door in less than 15 minutes. He’ll be out the door a few minutes after her. Bob’s never been a breakfast guy, so the toast is just fine. After shaving and getting dressed, he’s on his way. Other than his new body, full head of hair and gorgeous wife, everything is pretty much the same. Same house, same wardrobe, same car and he’s guessing the same job.
As he pulls out of his driveway, he can’t help but notice his next door neighbour Simon and his wife Stella are extremely good looking. Simon waves and says “Good morning Robert.” In fact even the milkman looks like he’s stepped off a runway in Paris. Bob is struck by how good looking all the people he encounters are as he drives his Dodge Dart to work.
When Bob gets to his office he wonders if anyone will notice the change in his appearance. There’s a spring in his step, Bob’s never felt more confident. As he makes his way to his desk it seems like no one even notices him. If not for the fact that he almost got run over by the mail cart, he would have made it to his desk without any incident. The pretty girl pushing the cart said “So sorry Robert.” He responded “No problem.”
As he sits down at his desk he notices a copy of Peoples Magazine sitting on the corner of his desk. It has a picture of an average looking guy, bald, slightly overweight and of course not very tall on the cover. The title under the photo reads “The Sexiest Man alive.” It seems even in an alternate reality, poor Bob is destined to be just an ordinary guy.
Copyright ©
Richard Lamoureux
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