Long Tarty Poems

Lost Soul

We’ve gathered here to say goodbye
to yet another boring guy,
kept on yelling for attention
till it gave him hypertension.
Now in the box beneath the shroud
he’s got the eye of all the crowd,
best leading role he...

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I'm flattered by Nina but need to take her to the cleaners,
and splat her inbetweeners with fluid from wieners.
Don't mock or beat down Bath when you're Bristolian,
you were all conceived in a seat in the...

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(for Wentworth Miller)


… jewels of the jungle,
gems and trinkets strewn 
across sacred, stained altars of the mind, 
desire whimpering and simmering 
like cats on a hot tin roof never 
meant to be cooled by rain,
Night...

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The sixth of July, the postman passed by
The stork brought little old me
Come rain or come shine I’d want to know ‘why?’
And wrote my name when I was three 
I’d read and I’d write whatever...

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a sweaty mugginess 
                 falls to the scent of showered skin
        ...

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Growing Up 
When I was eighteen or nineteen, I discovered beer
Dance-restaurants and women generous with their wares
I didn`t eat sweets anymore which was good for my teeth.
Alas, beer made me talk and women laugh I...

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We groomed him to perfection
lured him with our lights
cooed him with our sizzles
blurred his dreams and sights
We slotted him in awkward
hampered his imput
laced his drink with moonshine
on his fingers shut
We cautiously immersed him.....while his mind...

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My Aunty, Patricia, she travels the land,
her bag of in-cases gripped firmly in hand.
The contents of which are largely unknown;
although just a few I've sometimes been shown:
One small first aid kit
in case of a cut,...

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Lanccelot went thro' the lists ticking off heads,
lost count of how many that he'd had in his beds,
handing a garter to the queen was wrong gender,
although he supposed that she could return to sender.

That brat...

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Let us have a swapping party		
I’m not placing any bets;		
This could be so eco-friendly		
Money saved and no regrets!		

We can try a bit of swishing		
Let us have a swapping party		
Unlike shopping no guilt feeling	
Choices range from...

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"I have dipped my pen in the sublime, it is my gift to you . . ."
                  ...

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Answerable to none

He waltzed across the party floor
A rosy cheek, a kiss
Dainty lady or tarty whore
Not one would he miss

Divorce had come and gone
As messy as it could be
With no dictator to look upon
He could...

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