Long Panic attack Poems
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Dusk dawns noticeably earlier each night in Schwenksville, Pennsylvania - yup
Which trend will continue some days before
winter solstice 2021 in Northern Hemisphere,
Tuesday, December 21 10:58 AM.
Yes, interestingly enough earliest sunset date(s)
along eastern United States
will occur December 7 and 8, 2021 at 4:28 pm EST.
Similar respective phenomena
takes place across globe.
Winter solstice constitutes
shortest day of the year in terms of daylight,
but does not have latest sunrise
nor earliest sunset of the year.
This prevails because discrepancy exists
between modern-day timekeeping methods
and how time is measured
using the Sun known as the equation of time.
The equation of time comprises
east or west component of the analemma,
a curve representing angular offset of the Sun
from its mean position on celestial sphere
as viewed from Earth.
I thoroughly enjoy onset of early darkness
unperturbed courtesy
seasonal affective disorder (SAD).
Alas and alack
matter of fact yours truly
optimally thrives when pitch black
skies immerse bookworm as impetus to crack
open a novel and/or read
one of my favorite (MAD) magazines
versus basking in sunshine which doth distract,
thus I while away hours appeasing
sixty plus shades of gray (cerebral) matter
processing criteria at greased lightning speed
considerably faster than once
venerably touted supreme ENIAC,
whereby mine figurative pistons
incalculably subvert additional
superfluous irrelevant flack
spurring me to burrow
deep inside invisible gunnysack
cause ordinary stress I could not hack
conveniently latched onto
ninety sixties counterculture mantra
"turn on, tune in, drop out"
popularized by Timothy Leary in 1966
essentially only in body not spirit
throughout academic foray,
I occupied space and time
paid dear price, cuz
submissive behavior heavily did impact
writer of these words a jejune Jack,
who during formative years
never dated, nor got jilted
cuz he possessed
unquestioned unhealthy uncanny
fealty and deadly eating disorder
body dysmorphia knack
positive image of self I lack,
an existence punctuated
by one after another panic attack.
haint gonna mock ridiculous science
asper to be bled
dark practices to leech out mailer daemons,
not so laughable nor in cred
double, when oppressed diabolical dread
oompah loompah fealty l'chaim fled
as hand grenades explode within my head
mettlesome monsters
make mercuric chrome dome feel like a led
zeppelin with fractured stairway to heaven in stead...
delivers me zombies, where angels fear to tread
cuz, the devil and psyche did wed
shotgun Swedish crow did house mafia style
wrenched, wrested wretched
mental state most intense (no croc) dial
shattered, slewed, splintered sanity,
thus practitioner with "FAKE" know how aisle
apprentice Aunt Roadie,
who will skewer me evil spirits den da deuce
till I beak home one sacrificed overly cooked goose
a burnt offering shish kabob
no longer able to raise cane on the loose
like a red bull
rocky on the shoals of a frantically angry moose
livid with rage
(akin to diary of mad a housewife)
entropy written, where death will be only truce
pyromaniac qua ramshackle shanty (tinderbox)
unleashes wicked zeal
hellacious incendiary juiced ride
up plies noisome rubbery odor,
sans hot wheel
along the outer limits of functionality explosions
precipitate like drops of molten steel
routing hunger, searing nostrils,
tearing tenuous fragile tethered tendrils
self cannibalizing via tooth and nine inch nail
linkedin with nauseousness as thine meal
exemplary asper full blown panic attack
lodged within mine genetic
blooper imprinted within
threaded helical deoxyribonucleic acid deal
like a thunderbolt out of the blue
sympathetic nervous system
thrust in high gear with no warning and/or clue
finding spouse helpless asper what to do.
Gunfire,
Shots.
Screams.
Bloodshed.
Bodies.
Bodies.
Bodies.
Except one -
The shooter,
Who - was - white
The victims,
DEAD,
All the victims -
Black.
The police,
Arrive,
Ten - twenty minutes late.
The excuse -
Traffic,
There was no traffic that day,
They lied -
They didn’t care that Black life had been taken away
They arrived late,
Red and Black,
It was an egregious attack -
What was worse,
The faces of the police -
Stone cold -
Devoid.
The shooter was spared,
He was white after all,
They didn’t shoot -
In their words it would be ‘un-called’ for
The shooter lived,
The shooter - acquitted,
Why?
He was white -
And the victims Black
But obviously the courts did not say that,
They said he was mentally unwell - had a panic attack,
That it would be unfair for them to criminalise that -
After all this was his first offense, so he can’t be that bad,
Oh, also he has a family which means they need him back
The victims families saddened,
But not surprised - as history shows this has already happened
Why Little Red Riding Hood
Seems you're steppin' out
Dodgin' bullets and pullin' clout
And what happened to the Grandma stop
Did she want you out?
The whole forest heard her shout
So come on, what was that all about?
Ohh my hooded and cloaked babydoll
You are a vision of vixen
An icon of dazzling brilliance, beautiful and thrilling
Your hot breath on my neck is chilling
Blackness, Darkness in a jar
Your Ying with my Yang
Playin' chicken in different cars
Together we could go so far
So why then are we slammin' shots in this dive bar?
Little Red Ridin' Hood, with thigh-high red leather boots
Long red gloves, blood-red lips, and eyes of black
A David Bowie moment or a panic attack
Take it all back
Cuz diz fairy tale been cracked
And a poetic daybreak is a matter of fact
So you go girl
Little Red Ridin' Hood hit that trail, I got yer back
And the brothers Grimm - well they'll be checkin' in
Dealin' Sin and with the help of all things heinous and supernatural
Let the games begin
White horse, black heart, Little Red Ridin' Hood
Take your start
Still reeling (albeit figuratively) after amidst realization...
keys to apartment and 2009 Hyundai Sonata went missing
Yesterday August tenth year
two thousand and twenty one,
I experienced blitzkrieg of explosive panic
shattering an ordinarily calm veneer
me (a doubting Thomas) resorting to *****
re the higher power to rescue me sanity,
inducing absent appetite
and subsequent loss of weight
(think irritable bowels),
which shell shock spurred tête-à-tête
with divine creator yours truly did state
salvation to post traumatic stress
courtesy raging conflagration
within webbed wide world inside me pate.
Both yours truly and the missus
suffered major panic attack
analogous experiencing great fall
whereby figuratively our respective heads did crack
proxy war kickstarted incessantly bombarded
with blitzkrieg of emotional flak
bonafide doggone fusillade
without rhyme nor reason knick knack
rained down and thundered paddywhack
futile against railing training expert bombardier,
(no matter gunnery pro inside my head)
raining one after another blow,
I quickly lost track
impossible mission regarding wrack
con a sense, thus yak... yak... yak...
Continues poetaster describing his arc
of woe spiraling into endless anguish
and thinking worst case scenario did seize
thought processes, whereby
an unsuspecting individual found
and pocketed our treasured keys,
which would allow, enable and provide him/her
to steal aforementioned vehicle
and/or perhaps even access entrance
to apartment unit b44
threatening/killing both of us
referring to das scribe and his wife.
No such tragedy occurred
only rather humdrum end to saga
because wise
notion lodged itself
within sixty plus shades of gray matter (mine)
to rifle thru soiled clothes,
I hastily tossed into opened space
courtesy when bypass closet doors opened
and lo and behold sought after items beheld!
COPING HEALING SURVIVING MENTAL ILLNESS IN AMERICA IT DIDN'T START OFF THIS WAY GOD KNOWS I DIDN'T ASK FOR I WAS SUFFERING IN SILENCE MASKING DEPRESSIVE DISORDER MASKING PTSD TRIGGERS ANXIETY DISORDER PANIC DISORDER PANIC ATTACKS I WAS SO ASHAMED OF MY DIAGNOSIS SO I SUFFERED BEHING MAROON DRAPES WRITING POETRY KEEPING A JOURNAL BROKEN I WAS BLESSED TO HAVE A NETWORK OF SUPPORT BUT NOTHING COULD QUIET THE HEARTBEATS I CAN STILL HEAR MY FETUS HEARTBEAT WHILE WEARING WIRES PREGNANT FOR THE FBI BUYING WEAPONS AND DRUGS FROM JUNK SICK COPS WHO NEEDED ME DEAD ON YES CLAERLY I WAS DEAD THEN FROM 1984 THROUGH 1995 WIRES INSTALLED ON MY UNBORN CHILD I BELLY WOULD TREMBLE I CAN STILL FEEL HER HANDS INSTALLING THE WIRES THEY WERE COLD DISTANCE I LOOKED IN HER EYES AND I ASKED HER WERE THEY COULD TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY HEART BEAT ANDBTHE FETUS IN THERAPY I SUFFERED FULL BLOWN PANIC ATTACK I COULDN'T BREATHE WHY DOES THIS MATTER WE SURVIVED AN YET I'M STUCK HERE FOREVER WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THIS I CLOSE MY EYES HEARTBEATSNI SING IN CHURCH HEARTBEATS TAKE A HOT BATH HEARTBEATS FINALLY SEDATION RESTING I AWAKEN TO HEARTBEATS SO LOUD LIKE SIRENS BLARING GUILT BEING CATHOLIC I CARRY THIS GUILT I ALLOWED THE FBI TO VIOLATE MY FETUS DOES THAT MAKE SENSE I CAN NEVER EVER BE WHOLE AGAIN FILLED WITH SO MUCH MEDICATION DECADES OF MEDICATION FOR MY LIFE WOUKD SURELY END WITHOUT IT AN YET I FEEL LIKE ENDING MY LIFE STOPPING THE HEARTBEATS I ADORE MY PSCHIATRIST MY THERAPIST THEY TELL ME I'M BRAVE HOW I'M NOT BRAVE I'M BROKEN I THINK OF THE FETUS INSIDE MY WOMB EVERY TIME THE DEVICE WAS TURNED ON THE FETUS WOULD ROLL UP INTO A BALL I FELT CONTRATIONS LIKE THE FETUS WAS TRYING TO EXPELL ITSELF I HAD TO KEEP GOING FINISH THE JOB FOUR OF MY OTHER KIDS SEATED WITH THE FBI SUPERVISOR SINGING MY GIRL I TRULY BELIEVED I WAS MAKING A DIFFERENCE I NEVER DREAMED I'D BE INTIMIDATED I NEVER DREAMED JAMAICAN DEALERS WOUKD ARRIVE TO END MY LIFE PARKED IN FRONT OF MY TOWNHOME BY GOD'S GRACE GUNMEN EMERGED SAVING MY LIFE I SHOOK LIKE A LEAF MY HEART POUNDING PANIC DISORDER
Some days I’m living in panic
Panic like I cannot move
Panic like there are hot metal chains
wrapped tightly around my ribs
Trying to talk feels like breathing in smoke
On the verge of tears
And all I want is to curl up and cry
Until my eyes turn red
But I can’t because
I’m in school
And everyone will see how much
Of a fool I am
So I have to look like I’m ok
But I’m not
Because later that night
That night of the panic attack,
I got so close
I even made a plan
I planned to cut in groups of three
Cuz three is my comfort number
That day I chose 27 cuts
Because nine times three
Nine times I lacked the comfort I craved
I remember it distinctly
Nine times three
Cuz nine times I felt hurt that day
One I was in trouble, two I got yelled at,
Three I woke up late, four,I was called rude for talking
Five I’m so immature, six, I had extra chores,
Seven I couldn’t eat lunch, eight Alex hates me
And nine I hate myself and I don’t matter anymore
When I went to bed that night I was so scared
because I got so close to SH
I got so close this time
*Inspired by Edward Ibeh's wonderful poem titled Sniffing Flowers:
Santa had a panic attack!
There was too much to do
Too little time
Presents piled up, lists overflowed,
Too much stress, too many requests!
Too little time
The weather didn’t look good
The reindeer didn’t feel well
Rudolph’s nose wasn’t so bright
Mrs. Clause said, “Wait a minute”
“It is not Christmas yet!”
“Sit down and have some cocoa.”
Then she took his hand,
They walked to the pond nearby
They asked the elves to come along
They brought some skates and music too
They told everyone to take a break
While the reindeer rested
They skated with glee, to a nice melody
Santa felt calm and then he could see,
He had let his mind take off on him
Like the sleigh in the sky
He knew everything would be ok,
When he stopped worrying why!
Heidi Sands
12/16/18
Beautiful angels,
can't you see me?
Am I invisible?
Much like you.
I feel your pain,
but I still love you freely.
You know this to be true.
So why do you leave me?
Have I done something sinful?
I'm trying my best.
Trying to keep my chin up,
while you put me through these tests.
When will my struggle end?
Beautiful angels,
I'm dying inside.
I need a light to guide my soul.
If you could just appear,
before my eyes.
I'd hold you so dear,
I promise it's not a lie.
My word is worth more than gold.
I don't have anything to offer, I admit.
I hope my company is enough for you.
I've been under a lot of stress,
and I just need someone to talk to.
Beautiful angels,
please don't dangle,
the light in my face.
I know I've been living in disgrace.
Smoking weed, drinking a bit.
Sitting on my bed,
soaking up all my regrets.
But will you please,
just listen to me.
You're presence is all I need.
I have a problem I can't solve.
The voices in my head have all gone.
I know I asked for this,
But at the time they were overwhelming.
Now I'm lonely in the dark,
The emptiness is challenging.
Beautiful angels,
please come back.
I think I'm having a panic attack.
Every second of every day,
I sit here and wait.
For your signs, and your wisdom.
To me you are great.
I'll listen to every word you have to say.
Please don't leave me in this place.
It's been three years since her last panic attack, she is getting them again. Last time it was cause of the pastor's wife who threatened her. Now the brown eye girl is getting them due to someone else. This time it's the photoman who is doing the threatening to her. For two nights she has nothing but nightmares and no sleep. The brown eye girl is afraid she going to get sick again just like last time. Always looking over her shoulder thinking someone is going to get her. Not being able to eat has already started. Her head goes to a sad place, a dark place where it's hard to get out of. Afraid something will happen to her; she tries to shut out the world and do nothing at all. She believes it's time to be fake again.