Long Funnypeople Poems
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I thought that my painting was a masterpiece.
But the bad critiques of it never ceased.
My brother said it was a masterpiece of sh**.
I was so upset at him that he got hit.
I thought the people who saw it were going to turn into the Incredible Hulk because their
faces turned green.
When those assholes said that it stunk, I thought they were being mean.
When it was being sold at an auction, the people puked.
I was so mad that I told them to put up their dukes.
But somebody bid on it and I was tickled.
I didn't even mind that it sold for a nickel.
But then something happened that made me feel ashamed.
The buyer didn't want the painting, he wanted the frame.
Instead of hanging it over the fireplace, he threw it in the fireplace.
Everybody said that it was for the best but I think it was a disgrace.
(THIS IS A FICTIONAL POEM.)
-------------------------------I failed English in High School
Could not understand the writing rule
If I say, when it reigns it pores, people agree
Yet when I write the same phrase people say what’s wrong with me
I before E (accept) after C less it sounds like an a as in neighbor or weigh
Where do the words foreign and sovereign (steigh)
Do they stay with a goose among geese or with a moose among (meese)
Do they live in a house with a scavenger mouse or something much bigger
Is there several (hice) with several scavenger mice
I'm so late for work; this line is just crawling along
With only two windows now open here out of ten.
Though silent, inside me, I'm wailing a misery song
and wishing I lived in a century way back when. . .
Far back to a time when a person might buy untaxed land,
When air still was clean and the number of people was small.
Neighbors were friendly and offered to give you a hand
and probably people did not need a license at all.
But now we have all become numbers that wait in a line;
And yearly you pay for the right to keep driving your car.
Yes, honor Big Brother, or you will be faced with a fine,
and nor does it matter in which of the states that you are.
I think I would rather be driving an old Model-T
than be standing in this frigging line at the dang DMV.
Why don't people say what they mean?
or at least mean what they say,
the language we use can be misunderstood
and becomes more confusing each day.
I keep seeing these adverts for travelling
you can go by road, rail, sea or air,
I would like to see a demonstration
to show me how it's done,if they dare.
For travelling by road is just suicide
I doubt you would get very far,
unless of course what you really mean
is that you are going by car.
Going by rail is a balancing act
in which you have nothing to gain,
you might find it much less stressful
if you simply went by train.
Of course some people will go by sea
if you're swimming here's a good tip,
give it up and save your energy
it's much easier to go by ship.
To those who prefer to go by air
this method is really insane,
unless you've learned to fly like a bird
you're much safer catching a plane.
1000 miles per hour scientists have calculated the Earth’s rotation
And 25000 miles in 24 hours according to their quotation
They say it is the distance from the sun qualifies their concession
But it is the facts that they failed to mention
The fact in the matter is, it is not gravity, the sun or the moon
So I thought I will break it down so you can see the big picture soon
And those scientific theories are fallible and can be popped like a balloon
Then you can stop watching the Discovery channel and watch a Disney cartoon
In order to deliver the facts I will change from monorhyme
This will give you the information in digestible nuggets in time
Here we go:
Fact: we know that love makes the world go round
Just enough to stop you flying off the ground
According to my calculations, there are 380000 people making love every second
Wait a minute, just in case I am beckoned
22800000 in a minute, 1368000000 in an hour and 32832000000 in a day.
That’s a lot of people indulging in naughty play
Therefore each person generates 3045808967 gigawatts of negative energy
Calculate it yourself and if I’m wrong I’ll change my name to Cenergy.
The negative energy is what repels us from the sun
This is not generated from the up and down of underwear of everyone
If we quit the Earth will stop spinning
And this may mean we’ll come out winning
For we won’t die or age in years
We’ll never be made redundant due to someone younger taking our careers
You can borrow money and go in debt
And never pay it off if you take it over a year I guarantee the bet.
For if we stop love, time will stand still
And to get it moving again would need the love pill
So from me and Captain Morgan, we say good night
Tomorrow how the earth got it’s crust we will write.
So say good night to this drunken plumber
And by the way, if we stop the sun will suck us in and that’s a bummer
Good night
My body has explained to me
That for walking it would better be
To use the aid of a cane or walking stick
So my wooden elephant cane does the trick
Its open handle sets upon
The mighty back of an elephant strong
His trunk lifted up with talent
Helps me stride with more balance
His eyes open so they can see
A clearer path for wobbly knees
Ears open toward the back
To help me hear and stay on track
He walks in stride by my side
And is a source of surprise pride
Because people don't notice slow walking me
It is my elephant walking stick they see
The pedestal my elephant stands above
Below the cane is curved with skill and love
Two heads of a mighty pachyderm
Steady my balance and keep my walk firm
Down from the heads the wood is smooth
Than a ring in-between carved grooves
And the stick is carved like twisting rope
With the skins of giraffes leopards zebras but no antelopes
Back to a ring down to smooth
Stripes of Kenya decorate my moves
And than the bottom tip does recall
If it was scratched by a lions claw
So when I'm out and about
I use my cane with all its clout
For people don't notice slow walking me
It is my elephant walking stick they like to see