Long Funnypeople Poems
Long Funnypeople Poems. Below are the most popular long Funnypeople by PoetrySoup Members. You can search for long Funnypeople poems by poem length and keyword.
Striving for Political Correctness
By Elton Camp
It would just be the end
If by words we do offend.
There’s the devil to be paid
If we call a spade a spade.
“Vertically challenged” means short.
“Horizontally challenged,” a fat sort.
“Nondiscretionary fragrance” means we stink.
“Living impaired” means your’re dead I think.
“Cerebrally challenged” and you are plain dumb.
“Hispanic” and it is Mexico that you come from.
“Niceness deprived” tells that you are mean.
As “oppressor-to-be” a young boy can be seen.
“Follicularly challenged” guys really are bald.
“Gay” is what males who hump men are called.
The “residentially flexible” will live out on the street.
“Nontraditional success” and a poor man you meet.
“Economically maximized” describes one rich.
“Economically marginalized” do live in a ditch.
“Visually challenged” is the blind guy you see.
“Reality challenged” people are crazy as can be.
“Locationally challenged” folks are those lost.
“Unjust self-esteem reduction” criticism’s cost.
A “maintenance portal” is the name for a manhole.
While “sexually dysfunctional” is a perverted soul.
The garbage collector is a “sanitation engineer.”
“Petroleum transfer specialist” pumps gas I fear.
The “termination specialist” other people does kill.
“Body entrepreneur” describes a prostitute if you will.
“Factually unencumbered” are the ignorant folk.
“Alternative answer” means an error was spoke.
If lazy, then we aren’t “motivationally disposed.”
“Discretionary fragrance” and perfume is nosed.
The “chronologically gifted” are just old.
“Rustically inclined” is redneck I’m told.
“Vertically gifted” people describes those who are tall.
“Client of the correctional system” a prisoner we call.
“Cerebrally gifted” people are those who are smart.
Be “metabolically challenged,” and dead thou art.
“Nonwaged” and it is a job you do lack.
“Amorally gifted” and a crook you track.
“Knowledge conveyor” speaks of the teacher.
“Personality repressor” describes the preacher.
With a “conceptual conflict” you are not sure.
The “under-alert” just some sleep will cure.
Now we are expected to play the “correctness” game.
Which means we call almost nothing by its true name.
In keeping with that, you see,
This poem is correct as can be.
An Outrageous Case of Illegal Immigration
By Elton Camp
We hear much about invasion from Mexico
But the U.S. northern border is the way to go
Aliens can, and do, cross with greatest ease
For proof, here’s an example of one of these
There is a man who comes and goes at will
He has done it for many years and does it still
Since he acts friendly and is always smiling
So, he is given an exemption from profiling
Though his appearance shows he’s not one of us
Without any doubt, he is some old foreign cuss
His strange clothes, thick beard and too-long hair
Show that he comes from somewhere “over there”
Oh, it’s true that he acts plenty generous enough
Friendship he buys by giving away valuable stuff
The government really should say, “What the heck!”
Since on private lives he makes a thorough check
Arbitrary standards of his own selection he’s set
That determine what, if anything, people will get
Should some foreigner ever be allowed to dictate
His own standards by which Americans he will rate
Should an alien establish what’s wrong and right
And be able to do it without protest or any fight?
Where is the outcry from the media or the press
Why is it this outrage they totally fail to address?
The employment he provides sure isn’t here
That he runs a virtual sweatshop is what I fear
According to what a good many people say
He accords his band of workers little or no pay
Since his manufacturing is done practically free,
To American companies it seems unfair to me
It’s unlikely that any tax this bad man does pay
For his workers, a union has nothing it can say
Worse, it is to our children he directs his appeal
To a foreigner their admiration and love to steal
Who knows just what his ultimate goal might be
Shall we wait passively and hope to finally see?
No! The time to take action is now well overdue
With these illegal border crossings we are through
Since it is well known when Santa Claus usually flies
The government should shoot him out of the skies
1000 miles per hour scientists have calculated the Earth’s rotation
And 25000 miles in 24 hours according to their quotation
They say it is the distance from the sun qualifies their concession
But it is the facts that they failed to mention
The fact in the matter is, it is not gravity, the sun or the moon
So I thought I will break it down so you can see the big picture soon
And those scientific theories are fallible and can be popped like a balloon
Then you can stop watching the Discovery channel and watch a Disney cartoon
In order to deliver the facts I will change from monorhyme
This will give you the information in digestible nuggets in time
Here we go:
Fact: we know that love makes the world go round
Just enough to stop you flying off the ground
According to my calculations, there are 380000 people making love every second
Wait a minute, just in case I am beckoned
22800000 in a minute, 1368000000 in an hour and 32832000000 in a day.
That’s a lot of people indulging in naughty play
Therefore each person generates 3045808967 gigawatts of negative energy
Calculate it yourself and if I’m wrong I’ll change my name to Cenergy.
The negative energy is what repels us from the sun
This is not generated from the up and down of underwear of everyone
If we quit the Earth will stop spinning
And this may mean we’ll come out winning
For we won’t die or age in years
We’ll never be made redundant due to someone younger taking our careers
You can borrow money and go in debt
And never pay it off if you take it over a year I guarantee the bet.
For if we stop love, time will stand still
And to get it moving again would need the love pill
So from me and Captain Morgan, we say good night
Tomorrow how the earth got it’s crust we will write.
So say good night to this drunken plumber
And by the way, if we stop the sun will suck us in and that’s a bummer
Good night
Living in a Gated Community
By Elton Camp
To live in a gated community was Joe’s ambition
Where outsiders could enter only with permission
And ultimately, this goal he managed to achieve
Life in such a place had perks so hard to believe
The gate was carefully manned both day and night
It provided a level of security that was out of sight
From the time the community’s operation did begin
Not one single intruder had ever made his way in
The strong gate was by no means the only feature
By which the place stopped any undesirable creature
A metal fence the whole community surrounded
Any unauthorized passage it effectively confounded
To the residents, for free, even utilities were supplied
All those provision made it a low-cost place to reside
Pesky salesmen could no longer come to Joe’s door
His visitors were those who had been approved before
People who pass by never expect to live there
However, they will often slow down and stare
“My old boss lives there & does not a lick of work.
All the cooking and cleaning is done for that jerk.”
There is grumbling from people who think it unfair
That those people don’t work but haven’t a care
“That’s a place with many an economic parasite.
For them to live in such conditions just isn’t right.”
Twenty years the judge said that Joe must stay
So, at his age, he’s not likely ever to get away
State prison has become his permanent address
But it is a true gated community nonetheless
I'm at a new school. Its name is “The Michael Jackson School for Rock Stars.” The courses
here are Gay!
My first assignment is to learn to play the skin flute and sing like a rock star. To be a
good rock star, I'm supposed to feel around a lot, to give oral sex to the dude across the
stage, and to cum at the audience. I did not act like that at my old school, so I think
I'll have to work on it for a while; this will be interesting homework.
My second assignment is to learn to have an entourage, which is a group of people that
always seems to follow around a rock star. I have a lot of friends, but for this
assignment I suddenly have Pineapple people following me around, telling me how gay I am,
how they really like my tounge in there *******, and how I am the most annoying person
ever. I can't be sure, but I think they are just saying that.
My final assignment is to put on a rock concert. I have to arrive in a Pink Inter-tube and
walk the Rainbow carpet, past all the horny **** fans with cameras flashing in my face.
Then, when I get inside, my entourage will be there and I will get ***** with them to the
stage. Next, I'll perform Spongebob songs, all while Cumming across the stage, singing,
and Crapping at the audience. This will be the toughest final exam I've ever had, and the
one I'll never forget!
Here is something to brighten up your day.
Our technology is great, like twitter and what people say.
When celebrities tweet and prove they are a little slow in the head.
“Why do people take pics of me when I pose?” Paris Hilton said.
With that statement she proved to us all,
that she is as bright as a plastic hollow doll.
Sorry, I didn't mean to insult plastic dolls everywhere,
but if they could talk they would agree with what I share.
A famous pro athlete once tweeted, “my head coach needs to be retired.”
His coach followed his account, and the next day, that athlete was fired.
It was hilarious when Lindsay Lohan tweeted, “I need some coke.”
She thought she was personally texting someone, she said it was just a joke.
The judge didn't see it that way,
so he asked to see her in court the next day.
Technology is so wonderful, we get to sends pics of whatever.
But some of us should think to send these pics, the day after never.
Most of them need to send things that are a little cleaner.
Its self-explanatory, a little hint, like governor Weiner.
I hope these rhymes brightened up your week.
But more laughs are sure to come, in this technology peak.
****for Natalie Fllikkema's contest***
My body has explained to me
That for walking it would better be
To use the aid of a cane or walking stick
So my wooden elephant cane does the trick
Its open handle sets upon
The mighty back of an elephant strong
His trunk lifted up with talent
Helps me stride with more balance
His eyes open so they can see
A clearer path for wobbly knees
Ears open toward the back
To help me hear and stay on track
He walks in stride by my side
And is a source of surprise pride
Because people don't notice slow walking me
It is my elephant walking stick they see
The pedestal my elephant stands above
Below the cane is curved with skill and love
Two heads of a mighty pachyderm
Steady my balance and keep my walk firm
Down from the heads the wood is smooth
Than a ring in-between carved grooves
And the stick is carved like twisting rope
With the skins of giraffes leopards zebras but no antelopes
Back to a ring down to smooth
Stripes of Kenya decorate my moves
And than the bottom tip does recall
If it was scratched by a lions claw
So when I'm out and about
I use my cane with all its clout
For people don't notice slow walking me
It is my elephant walking stick they like to see
This is interesting
We are bombarded by constant stimulation
Some internal
Most external
The processing center is in over-drive
I like driving because it's one of only situations where
People completely ice each other out of existence
This weird amalgamation of people sitting at a stop light
And nobody wants to acknowledge anybody else
Our little constructs of metal and rubber
Keep us just a bit more isolated (protected)
Turn up the stereo
Call that long lost friend
Watch **** on the dash mounted flat screen
Eat a fruit salad from a slider cup
Pluck your eybrows
Take a healthy swig from the liter of glacier water
Just don't look to either side
Or at a 45* angle
Nor straight into someone's rearview
Because if eye contact is accidentally accomplished
Some kind of psychic melt-down might occur
I've watched people staring straight ahead without moving
For minutes at a time
I get mesmerized just observing how still they are
The stone people
Then I'll spot an inkling of a head shift
Once traffic has resumed its peristalsis
Damn
Thought I was witnessing some type of carved rock effigy
Moving and driving
Among us
Here's some things that get overlooked
in truth, I'm sure they should
I don't know why I bothered
I guess it's cause I could.
Time is a funny thing
I'll tell you what I mean
change is inevitable
except from a vending machine!
I shouldn't have to say this
but this is sound advice
you won't need a chute to skydive
unless you plan to do it twice.
Here's a hint I'll pass along
if it's money that you lack
borrow from a pessimist
he won't expect it back.
Some people will cause happiness
wherever they may go
conversely there's a few of them
whenever they may go!
Hospitality is a tricky thing
I'm sure you will concur
It's making people feel at home
despite wishing that they were.
Diplomacy's an asset
if you can do it well
when someone looks forward to the trip
after you told them to go to hell.
A Forest Fire can start
with one careless match
Yet to start a Campfire
can take a whole batch.
Well that's enough of this stupid stuff
to write it was silly that's true
but you wasted your time reading it all
What does that say about you?
I sit here and wonder
bored in this air port,
what life would be like
If I was short.
How would I reach the carry on compartments
all the way above the seat?
In restaurants I'd need a booster chair,
and I'd have really tiny feet.
I could crawl through tiny doors,
and climb trees with the squirrels.
I'd be an expert at hide and seek
and hang out with all the short girls.
I would point and laugh at tall people.
They have no advantages in life.
Who wants to be tall?
What guy wants a tall wife?
Short people yearn for height,
extra inches is all they want.
Well I want crawling advantages,
and have a little body I could flaunt.
I'd give anything to be short.
Even a foot or two.
I just want to be normal,
there's so much I could do.
“Flight 41 for boarding.”
said the stewardess aloud.
No more day dreaming, no more short,
and poof went the cloud.
I stood up and grabbed my bag
as people stared in appall.
But hey, you get used to it
when you're over seven feet tall.
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