Q: When a woman is having a baby, what do you call the periods of time between labor contractions?
A: Pregnant pauses.
Q: What happens when a restaurant doesn't sell all of its "soup du jour"?
A: It goes on tomorrow's menu as "soup du yesterjour".
Q: What do you call a group of witches doing their own laundry?
A: A self-cleaning coven.
Q: What did the prostitute say to the sympathetic arresting female officer from Buenos Aires?
A: Don't cry for me, Sergeant Tina.
Q: What did the cannibal chief tell his people when they were defeated by another tribe?
A: If you can't eat 'em, join 'em.
Q: What did two gay knights tell King Arthur when he asked them if they were dating?
A: We''re not a couple, we're joust friends.
Q: What's the difference between a vase and a "vahze"?
A: The price.
Q: How can you tell if a politician is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: How would Hollywood describe a remake of "Day of the Dead" set in old Tucson with a score and lyrics by Andrew Lloyd Webber?
A: A zombie western musical.
Q: What might be the motto of a cannibal police force?
A: "To dissect and serve".
...more stuff and nonsense...
Q: Why would it be a good thing if wood were used as money?
A: It grows on trees.
Q: Who was the star of last year's Christmas Drag Show?
A: Felice Navidude.
Q: Why was the adult film director upset when one of his actors couldn't get it up for the "money shot"?
A: It left him one prick shy of a load.
Q: What do you call it when radical moms and dads allow and/or encourage their children to be suicide bombers?
A: Bad parenting.
Q: What was one of the things King Solomon was most famous for?
A: Split decisions.
Q: Where were the toilet facilities located on Noah's ark?
A: On the poop deck.
Q: What does the Dental Fairy demand before she'll leave money under a kid's pillow?
A: The tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
Q: What do a Giant Angora and an old analog TV have in common?
A: Rabbit ears.
Q: What did the press call the group of women boycotting a famous musical revue in New York?
A: The Radio City Blockettes.
Q: What is a support group for recovering poets and writers?
A: AA (Author's Anonymous).
Q: Who is the young man who takes care of a child with no parents?
A: Little orphan's manny.
Q: How can a meth addict contact his supplier more quickly?
A: Put him on speed dial.
Q: What is the sharpened pole upon which the "sea eagle" impaled himself?
A: A tern pike.
Q: What do you call a sheet of glass eaten by a donkey?
A: A pane in the ass.
Q: What is it called when one ethnicity at work gets a larger office than another?
A: Racial spatial discrimination.
Q: What do you call a kid who demolishes his Cheerios instead of eating them?
A: A cereal killer.
Q: What did the call girl call the midget when he didn't want to pay her for her services?
A: A little prick.
Q: What's the one exercise Mitch McConnell can't do at the gym?
A: Chin-ups.
Q: What is the antique lawn statue near the door of my plantation in Lexington?
A: My old Kentucky gnome.
Q: Where did the first Mrs. Bing Crosby keep her love for her family?
A: Deep in the heart of Dixie.
Q: What would Roy Rogers have been called if he had been a singing farmer?
A: King of the Plowboys.
Q: In the Beowulf saga, who was a male child of the hag Grendel?
A: A real sonofawitch.
Q: What's the slogan for an ad campaign for a certain fabric in Copenhagen?
A: "Something is cotton in the state of Denmark".
Q: What is fear of joining a fitness club?
A: Gymtimidation.
Q: When she worked onstage in a comedy, what could actress Elaine do for an audience?
A: Keep it in Stritches.
Q: What might you call the LGBT version of the glass slipper story?
A: "Transgenderella".
Q: Also for theatre and film buffs--What would you call public transportation in a ghost town?
A: A streetcar named Bizarre.
Q: Why did the man tell the 911 operator to please send help quickly when his spouse appeared to be choking?
A: It was a matter of wife or death.
Q: What is someone who hitchhikes across the country studying different dialects?
A: A roads scholar.
Q: How did the Glasgow "Evening Times" reporter headline the story of the party boat that sank after hitting an iceberg?
A: Scots on the rocks!
We've become moaners,
Grumpy and groaners,
We talk lots of piffle
We cough, and we sniffle.
We mumble and grumble,
We are not very humble
Sighing and crying
There's no denying
We've become apathetic
That is pathetic
Time for some more sillies
“D'ya know what burns my ass?
A flame about THIS high!”
Heard it before?, I ask
Got about a million of 'em
Stay tuned, here's some I chose
“If a cow laughs really hard
Does milk come out its nose”?
“Do vegetarians eat animal crackers”?
“Is it good if a vacuum sucks”?
Did I just hear you say “what groaners”
That's why I'm paid the big bucks!
“Do bald men wash their shiny heads
With bar soap or shampoo”?
Good question never thought about it
Shinola is what they should use!
“Does a mailman deliver his own mail”?
Do we actually still have mailmen?
“Why say 'bye bye' but not 'hi hi”?
Never thought of it, dear friends
“If feathers tickle us human beans
Do feathers tickle birds”?
“Do deer only cross at those yellow signs”?
Now that is totally absurd!
No more poems about poops and bums
Worn them right out, on to jokes and puns
Know what MNDI stands fer
Stands for your MIND out of order
Got bunches of silly groaners to post by the ton
© Jack Ellison 2015
Time for some more sillies
“D'ya know what burns my ass?
A flame about THIS high!”
Heard it before?, I ask
Got about a million of 'em
Stay tuned, here's some I chose
“If a cow laughs really hard
Does milk come out it's nose”?
“Do vegetarians eat animal crackers”?
“Is it good if a vacuum sucks”?
Did I just hear you say groaners
That's why I'm paid the big bucks!
“Do bald men wash their heads
With bar soap or shampoo”?
Good question, never thought about it
Shinola is what they should use!
“Does a mailman deliver his own mail”?
Do we actually still have mailmen?
“Why say 'bye bye' but not 'hi hi”?
Never thought of it, dear friends
“If feathers tickle us human beans
Do feathers tickle birds”?
“Do deer only cross at those yellow signs”?
Now that is totally absurd!
© Jack Ellison 2013
ENOUGH!
Hark ye preachers of doom lovers of despair
Enough about the blue rose!
Enough I say enough!
Enough about that harbinger of heartburn
that flatulent burner of forehead and cheek
that lurker in tenebrous places – abandoned old houses
banks of the Styx
That lurker must die of morbid thirst!
I champion I give you the white white rose
that late light comer
brightener of every corner
that white hope when hope is nearly gone
Hear you serial moaners
weepers
groaners
Behold if you dare
(I think you secretly love your blue misery)
Behold the white white rose
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