Where is the gas intake?
By Elton Camp
Hiding the gas intake is a car marker’s delight
They might even manage to put it out of sight
At one time, it was hid behind the license plate
But the companies put it on the side here of late
Although whether the opening is right or left
In many cars of this simple fact you’re bereft
Why can’t the makers give customers a surprise
And its location agree that they’ll standardize?
Very few families own just one car anymore
It has become common to have three or four
Almost every time I pull into the filling station
I find am uncertain of the gas inlet’s location
If next to the pump is the wrong side of the car,
It’s most unlikely the hose will stretch that far
So there’s nothing I can do but sigh and frown
I get into the car and laboriously turn it around
Some cars now have an arrow below the gauge
So as to spare their customers needless rage
As great as the cost of their infernal machine
That feature is one that should always be seen
Car For Sale by Owner
By Elton Camp
With a used car dealer’s unsavory reputation
The ad, “For sale by owner” is a temptation
But if you decide to go this route, take care
Remember the caution, “Let the buyer beware”
In such a case there’s not any implied guarantee
If it breaks down at once, it’s out of luck you be
The owner says that, “Once a week it was used”
But not that his teenage son the car badly abused
A superficial look and you might not suspect
That five times the car was in a major wreck
And last time, the car was fixed by his brother
Front from one car and the back from another
If the seller mentions he’s active in his church
Get ready to be cheated and left in the lurch
So buy a car from an individual if you must
But always verify and never ever dare to trust
The Too-Small Car
By Elton Camp
Now that the cost of gas is on the rise again
People will be seeking a way the war to win
For sure, mileage of those monster-size SUVs
At near four a gallon nobody is gonna please
Occasionally now I see a car that is really small
I’m not sure that’s the really best way to go at all
And I don’t know how safety we could expect
If in one of those things we should be wrecked
And face it, some people are really king-size
Buying such a car by them couldn’t be wise
Before they can get down the road very far
Someone may yell, “Get out and carry the car.”
To see the picture that inspired this little poem, go to
http://www.scribd.com/doc/50316292/The-Too-Small-Car
Whatever you say, Dear
Do you have a skinny rear?
Do you sing country songs and cry in your beer?
Does your car stay in the same gear?
Is your car hard to steer?
Do you like me whispering sweet nothings in your ear?
When someone does something wrong do you jeer?
When you get hurt do you have a tear?
When something horrible happens do you have fear?
At dusk does the day seem drear?
At a football game do you cheer?
Do you go fishing off a pier?
Have you ever been to a seer?
When a song is sung, is it the words or melody you hear?
Do you think much about your career?
If you don't do these things is it *****?
Well don't veer!
Help will appear!
It will be this year!!
Whatever you say, Dear!!!!!!
*Written for Francine Roberts "Whatever you say, Dear" contest
The Car Salesman’s Dream
By Elton Camp
It had been hard a customer to spot
At Honest Uncle Bill’s Used Car lot
But right then, a better car to acquire,
Came Freddie the impulsive buyer
“A newer car I want to get today,
Please pick me out one right away.”
The lot owner had one two years old
It was one that much needed to be sold
“How about the white one over there?”
Freddie: “That one’s fine. I don’t care.
Get it ready for me to take home today.
Let’s go in to your office and I’ll pay.”
“But just how much do you want to spend?”
Freddie: “You know the price, my friend.
You may charge whatever it is you will.
I am sure that I can trust my Uncle Bill.”
“But are you certain it’s the one to take?”
Freddie: “It has power steering and brake?
I’m sure a good car’s all you have for sale.
I don’t really care about any other detail.”
An extended warranty Freddie bought
He accepted the offer without thought
Fifteen percent financing he found fair
Only about the payment did he care
And as Freddie slowly drove away,
The salesman let out a big “Horray”
Then he felt his wife give him a jerk
Bill, you better get up and go to work.”
The Sentry
By Elton Camp
A new recruit was sent to guard the gate.
Because it was a job that others did hate.
“Take this rifle and stand right out there.
And not a person to let enter do you dare.
The private had learned orders to obey.
A car came and he knew what to say.
“Whether you may be foe or friend,
I’ve been told to let nobody come in.”
Another private was at the wheel in front.
But from the back seat came an angry grunt.
“I’m a general so that doesn’t apply to me.
So you are ordered to step aside and let it be.”
The driver then put the car into gear.
It was what the young sentry did fear.
“Sir, if you try to drive on through.
Then you must tell what I am to do.”
“To allow you to pass is not my right,
Though in obeying I take no delight.
Since new, I am unsure what I do.
If I’m to shoot the driver or kill you”
My first car was a '67 Deville
I really thought I was cool
Til everybody started laughing at me
When I drove that thing to school
Then I bought a used taxi cab
With the sign still on the side
But everybody kept waving me down
So I finally got rid of that ride
I was still in high school back in 1979
When I bought me a pick-up truck
You could see the road thru the floor board
So when it rained I was out of luck
I ended up with Volkswagon bug
And, well, I'm 6 foot 3
So, you can probably read between the lines
It was a little too small for me
I was considered a ladies man
Well, until my car got there
Then I was cursed with the shampoo bug
They remembered they had to wash their hair
I didn't have much luck with women
But the good Lord knows I tried
I guess that's the end of my story
So tell me, what was your first ride
I went to the store with
My cousin and sister in the car
Wanted to do a little shopping
But didn't get very far
As we reached the store we got out
The car but I only had one shoe
She had a hole in the floor of the car
My shoe must have just fell right through
I had to limp to the store
And buy a pair of slippers
This was just to funny
To my cousin and sister
I was so confused I didn't know what to do
All I know is that I got in That car with two shoes
I tell you no lie this story is true
Where oh where is my other shoe
My wife came home with a big Cheshire cat smile
“I changed the car tyre, “I done it” “It took me a while.”
“Good for you,” I said.
Big deal I thought and want to bed.
Next morning I woke up early for my business trip,
Rushed out the door, thought I’d gave breakfast a skip.
Down route 66 been travelling for some time,
Mentally working on my poetry rhyme.
Then a funny thing flies past my car, letting out a squeal,
Some poor sod has lost a bloody wheel.
I look in the rear view while sipping tea from my cup,
Awaiting to see a massive car pile up.
Then for some reason my eyes dart to the ash tray, and there between the butts
Six shinny new wheel nuts.
Well it took three hours to cut me out of the wreck
All I suffered was a slight concussion, bruised ribs, two broken arms and a stiff neck.
So here I lay with the pen between my teeth
Writing this poem on the paper beneath.
Oh if you see my wife, tell her hubby said,
The next time I see her she’s bloody dead.
Driving up
Waiting in line
Squinting to see
The tiny writing
On the large menu
Rolling down your window
Shouting into the microphone a mile away
Giving the teenager your order
Listening while they repeat it
Yelling again to correct them
Pulling up behind what seems like a billion cars
Waiting for minutes as the car behind you honks like it's your fault
Getting annoyed with the person in front of you
Finally pulling up to the small window
Paying the teenager with the change you've had ready since you ordered
Pulling your food into the car
Realizing you didn't ask for barbeque sauce
Asking for some more
Waiting as the car behind you inches closer
Finally getting your barbeque sauce
Rolling your window up
Pulling out of the drive-thru line
Taking ten minutes to drive home
Walking into your kitchen
Dropping everything but your greasy bag and soda
Pulling out the food
Letting out a sigh of.... wait where is the ketchup?
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