Best Torturously Poems
"The Young and the Breathless"- TV soap opera about youg emphysema
patients unfaithful to their doctors.
Candid- Something you could do, and did do.
Phone Call- Bidding your phone to come to you.
Binary- What you can purchase with nary any money.
Nascent- Odorless.
Philosophy- Phil Silvers designing soffits.
Surcharge- Driving down Rt. Number One on the Big Sur at 70 mph.
Surplus- The addition of the above's wrecked car to the cliffside base below the
aforementioned highway.
Supplant- Burying the idiot victims of the above, around dinner time.
Sunglasses- Drinking vessels for our Solar companion.
Sunspots- Where my male offspring hangs out.
Gnome, Alaska- The city in Alaska where the Travelocity icon was found frozen
solid.
DVDs- Defective BVD shorts.
Tuba-fish- Edible fish from an all-fish marching band.
Leak-Proof- Applying Super-Glue to the tip of one's *****.
Leave of Absence- Finding your mate has disappeared into a pile of leaves.
Eavesdrop- Falling off the edge of your roof.
Ecosystem- A ritualized style of producing an echo in a jar.
Sentiment- when a Mob boss orders cement for a mob "funeral".
Cyclone- an artificially duplicated person's mild vocalization of sadness.
Elfin John- Small, bespeckled gay singer/songwritter.
Elongate- Turnstyle in the NYC subway system, to the "E" train, expanded in size
for fat people.
"It Takes A Leaf"- How to catch poison ivy.
Hopin' to give a smile to Christy in her time of trouble.
12)Coddle- Two fish enrapt in love.
13)Mustard- A diarrhea victim who can wait no longer.
14)Jam Session- A gathering of sweet-toothed weirdos with various jams and
jellies.
15)Coffee Table- An occasional table made of stale and hard coffee beans.
16)Condom- A very stupid prisoner.
17)Confederate- An inmate who nourishes his cellmate with food he sneaks
from the mess hall.
18)Condiment- A mint left on the pillow of Condolezza Rice's hotel room bed.
19)Metaphor- The reason you met her.
20)Meteor Shower- Cleaning meteors in your shower.
21)Osmosis- A female relative of the Osmond Brothers.
22)Gradute- A successfully educated studend ingested by a cannibal.
23)Grab Bag- A purse snatcher's job.
24)Wind Instrument- A guitar lifted and tossed in a hurricane.
25)Destitute- A broke prostitute.
26)Easygoing- Being tied in a wheelchair and pushed down the steepest street
in San Francisco.
27)Castrated- Judging who belongs in what pecking order in the movie cast.
28)Animosity- Dislike of mice.
29)Barn Dance- A group of barns dancing in a hurricane.
30)Carpeting- Gently stroking an automobile you love.
31)Chirk- A Cherokee idiot.
32)Coddle- Embracing your fish prior to frying.
33)Extraterrestials- Coming from another planet, or from Camden, New Jersey.
34)Hail Mary- A religious woman bombarded in a hail storm.
35)Hair Dresser- The absurd practice of putting dresses on one's head.
36)Homely- When poor ugly Lee is home.
37)Antacid- A psychological hallucinogenic drug favoered by hippy garden
insects.
38)Moron- An overdressed person of limited intelligence with far too much
cologne on.
39)Precession- The last days leading up to an economic downturn.
40)Martial Arts- Paintings done by Western town Sheriffs.
41)Spouse- A married rodent.
42)Consort- Dividing criminals by crime categories.
43)Debaunchery- When de bunch of us Brooklyn guys goes out on de town.
44)Drag Queen- When us guys from Brooklyn beat up and haul around
somebuddy from Queens.
45)Dragoon- Da dumb guy from Queens dat we got above.
I went to buy an R.V.
They said all I could afford was a Lose-a Beggo.
I bought a pair of alligator shoes.
But then I started wandering off into swamps.
Finally, I had to toss them, they were
really biting my feet.
I got arrested for tossing
an endangered species.
I got a fantastic price on a
1995 calendar.
I discovered the Missing Link.
(Of my broken chain).
Were cell phones invented for prisoners?
I bought a hot dog from a street vendor in NYC.
I guess he didn't like my looks.
He offered me mustard gas.
Speaking of hot dogs, I bought a $500
hot dog roller-grill machine.
But then I could no longer afford the hot dogs.
I'm so dumb I used to think hot dogs
were Dobermans left out in the sun.
The waiter asked me if I wanted some
mussels. I said I couldn't afford the
gym membership.
What's in a name?
Letters, I guess...
I use Military time, cause I
thought the o'clocks were just
for Irish people.
Did the Ottoman Empire
build forts out of armless sofas?
Someone told me they wanted to see Tibet.
I said, "Why?...No one will win."
I couldn't afford the colon cleanser, so I got a semi-colon cleanser.
Why do they call those big eighteen wheeler trucks "Semis"?
Where's the other half?
Whoever said "All good things come to those who wait" must've had a different
postman.
My neurologist calls me Mr. Numskull.
Someone asked me what my net worth was. I said I pay $9.95 a month to be
online.
I have so many electric pianos the electric company had to build another power
plant.
Amazon doesn't like me either. I ordered an 8mm camera- they sent me a
loaded 9mm gun with instructions on suicide.
Have a good one, more on their way.
(If you wish to unsubscribe to Tom's
Terrrible Tibits, Tough Nookies!)
1)I've visited Pool Halls at least 100 times, and I ain't yet found a pool there. I got
so disgusted, I stopped carrying my bathingsuit around.
2)My girlfriend sent me an Afghan, but I don't speak his language. Her note said
he was supposed to keep me warm, but I couldn't use him for that- he smelled
kind'a funky.
3)Affidavit- When David pissed me off and I was out to get him.
4)Commercial Bank- A bank primarily concerned with safely storing TV
commercials.
5)Congo- What happens when a prison inmate escapes.
6)Commodore- An entranceway covered with a grammatical symbol.
7)Kinetic- A blood sucking insect attached to the skin of a relative.
8)Kinship- My uncle's yacht that I'm not allowed on.
9)New Delhi- A start-up delicatessen.
10)Wimp Van Wrinkle- A dry-cleaner who is abused by his wife.
11)Tally Ho- A pimp takes inventory.
46)Gangsta' Rap- When a wanted felon knocks on your door.
47)Nostalgia- A towel specifically for one's nose.
48)Breakfast Schnook- An idiot who will eat carpet tacks when asked.
49)Scorpion- A bullseye when urinating on a schmuck.
50)Eye-Shot- A dummy so drunk he tries to take a measure of whisky through his
eyeball.
51)Postulate- When the damn mailman finally shows up.
52)Short-Ton- A 4 foot, 3 inch woman who weighs in at 2125 pounds.
Torturous to lose one of these staples
Lying flat is not pleasant
Need my pillow back please
Russell Sivey
Torturous to have one of these staples
Piercing through my tender skin
Need to find remover
Russell Sivey