Best Swatter Poems


Premium Member An Evening At the Home

Written: March 5, 2012
Updated: March 11, 2012


Listen to nurse's report including the news 
that Joe and Wilma like each other.

Check all rooms and find that Roger is out of his bed
and down on the floor again.
  (Hip not broken yet.)

Answer Wanda's light to calm her justified paranoia 
because she knows that she is somewhere other 
than her home but just can't figure out where that is.

Answer Jeremy's light to help him sip his water 
while he giggles at his favorite T.V. show.

Accept his thanks and feel your heart break again to see a 
45 year old man who can no longer control his limbs be so 
appreciative of such a small act of kindness...big act of kindness.

Check on Jack even though he doesn't turn on his light 
because you hear suspicious noises coming from his room.  

Help Jack to bed after you find him swatting an 
imaginary fly with an imaginary fly swatter.

Try to re-position Emma so that she is comfortable 
even though her limbs are fetal-position frozen.

Kindly lie to yourself about her comfort so that you can 
control your guilt when leaving the room.

Go into Jackie's room when she starts her usual screaming 
that "she doesn't want to be here, and her family hates her 
and that's why she's here."

Kindly lie to her and control your shame because you know that 
what she is saying probably is true.

Answer ex-model Mabel's light and listen to her story about 
how she could have married Groucho Marx, but that she married 
her true-love instead.

Feel a sense of sad pride when Anna proudly explains to you 
how she keeps track of her day by tracking her activities as she 
would have for patients when she was a nurse.

Keep taking care of and giving these people (not patients) 
love every chance that you get.

Gail's notes: Portrait of Joe and Wanda is the sequel to this.  To protect the privacy of those who have lived before us, the names have been fictionalized, and the events semi-fictionalized.
Categories: swatter, caregiving, life, people, light,
Form: List

Lord of the Flies

Harassing me for days now
Landing on my eyelid
Nosing up my nostril
Tickling my ankles
and every other exposed body part
Little bastard...

Fly-Swatter? Jack be nimble, Jack...
Folded bath towel? (Lamp destroyed)
Raid? Sprayed til I sneezed and choked
and had to quickly retreat outside
(I may have poisoned myself)
Little bastard...
 
Last night it buzzed me awake
I injured various body parts
(Bloody nose, ruptured eardrum)
Little bastard...

I want to murder it
I want to assassinate it
but I want to capture it first
pull off it’s puny little wings
and watch it scramble on the floor
all the while crawling behind
laughing, shouting and jeering
'How you like THEM apple peelings?'
before I jump to the ceiling (Boink)
before I stomp and then grind
in a mad and homicidal rage
Little bastard...

Epilogue:

Whew! I’m feeling pretty okay now
The medication helps immeasurably
I know now why they’re called Asylums
They are refuge from a brutal environment
a world dominated and controlled by---Bssst!!
Little BASTARD...
Categories: swatter, angst, insect,
Form: Light Verse

Ordering Online

To prove we haven’t given up,
We order things online
Since objects meant for future use
Imply that we are fine.

A sweet dessert, a case of beer
Or scotch or gin or wine
Can elevate our kitchen meals
To ones at which we dine.

Some nitrile gloves, a spiffy mask
Of chic and cool design
Remind us that to safety
While in style we can incline.

A buzzing insect’s gotten in?
To Amazon, assign
The sending of a swatter
So that fly will toe the line.

For every penny that we spend
Is proof that we still pine
For a future that our purchases
May somehow thus define.
Categories: swatter, future,
Form: Rhyme

Book: Radiant Verses: A Journey Through Inspiring Poetry


Land Ho-Ku

dragons fly
burning fodder
land hoe.

sea gulls fly
over water
"Land Ho!"

pesky fly
dodging swatter
"Land! Ho!"

deborah burch©
4/11/2012
Categories: swatter, funny, life, nature,
Form: Haiku

Eye Knew It

Eye knew it

The dirty fly has compound eyes 
It sees in all directions
A swatter swats it anyway
So much for eye protection

Randomling Contest August 30, 2015
Categories: swatter, humor,
Form: Rhyme

Premium Member Little Miss Poet and Spider

Little Miss Poet, Sat at her computer, typing the morning away.
Along came a spider, climbed down her screen, and frightened Miss Poet away.
Little Miss Poet, fell on her duff, as she tripped, backwards over the dog.
When she got up, the spider was smart, and ran into the keyboard.

Low and behold, the fly swatter wouldn’t work, for the spider was safely below.
The spider peaked out, eyeing her as if in a huff, as Miss Poet jumped up and down.
With murderous intent, she flipped over the keyboard, and bounced it up and down.
Just at this point, the spider jumped out and scurried, with his life in his hands.

But the damage was done, the keyboard was unplugged, and terror reigned again.
Little Miss Poet, would have to crawl under the desk, to where the wires began.
There was no doubt, she’d switch to wireless now, but here that was a mute point.
She knew the spider was there, but hidden somewhere, in the stuff on top of her desk.

Little Miss Poet, crawled under the desk, checking and fixing, every wire and plug.
When she came out, there was no spider about, so both relief and worry set in.
As Little Miss Poet, looked down and around, the spider appeared on her arm.
With a scream and a jump, she flicked him off, and tripped over her chair this time.

Unfortunately for this one, the problem wasn’t done, so she attacked jumping forth.
The spider jumped free, but her toe was in need, as her foot connected with the desk.
A few words were uttered, as she jumped around, with foot held high in the air.
Broken toe or not, she vowed to get that snot, so she shouted for her hubby’s help.

He was down stairs, with the trolls you know, and couldn’t seem to come up.
So she swatted with flair, as the spider jumped back, yes, into the keyboard.
At that moment, a Troll walked by with a club , and decided to help her out.
Everything smashed, the problem solved, she sat down at her sons’ computer spot.

Tears in her eyes, at her computers demise, Poor Little Miss Poet, began to write.
This computer was next, to the one from before, and the spider was there, again!
Yep, you guessed, in the keyboard he sat, staring and more pissed than ever before.
The moral my friend, is that you can’t always win, even on a peaceful, beautiful morn.

Little Miss Poet, finally limped away, retreat was the better answer, by far.


PS. This happened, without the Troll, of course.
Categories: swatter, adventure, computer, fantasy, funny,
Form: Light Verse


Children of Lahore

CHILDREN OF LAHORE
(Easter Sunday 2016)


Arms flailing
From
Her
Blue burka,

The woman
Jumps

Like a checkerboard
Piece
Up and over
The white squares

Of bedsheet
       To bedsheet
To bedsheet

Each
Draped
Over a
Red blossom
Bump
Lumped
And soaked on
The gravel dust
Fairground
Floor.

Like a game of peekaboo
Between mother and baby,
The woman
Lifts
A corner of sheet

Howls

Then pins it back
With her fingernails
And just as quickly
Jumps
To the next
Small
Square
Hump-covered
Sheet

Lifts

Repeating
The move
Three hundred
More
Times.

“Ibrahim!
Ibrahim?”

A police officer puts her in handcuffs.

No, her husband
Is tackling her.

Actually,
She is a fly swatter
Crazed, swinging at new yellow ghosts.

She
Tears
Her hair
Out
From the back of her head
Like overgrown grass
Grabbed
From a mud puddle
In clumps
Clamped
In her garlic-laced fists,

Even the dirt is surprised,
Hanging
By its bloody roots,
Dripping
In the air.

That is what a bomb, does.

She was a mother
An hour before,
Before she lost her shoes,
While she sat to the side, chatting
With friends
On a bench
As the Merry-Go-Rounds
Went round and round
And round
In the safe distance
And the painted horses
Panted
In the yellow dust.

The children stood in line,
Waiting their turn,
Sharing candies
From pockets and purses,
Checking time
From their phones.

The mother’s shoes
Were spooked
Away
Like fish behind a glass

At the moment
Of the hot flash and swish.

That man,
Yes
He knocked on the glass,
He knocked on the glass,
He pressed his narrow face
As he peered in,
Yes,
He knocked on that glass
Just before
He pulled the cord
Wrapped
Round his waist.

Oh, beautiful God
How could you allow this?
How could
Even the Devil
Do it?

Only a man.

Only a man
Of unfaith,
Of course,
Could smother the sunlight, like that,
Blowing to smithereens
A playground full of children.
Categories: swatter, bereavement,
Form: Free verse

Premium Member The Irritating Fly

The Irritating Fly

      The irritating fly zoomed round the room
      Not stopping anywhere as I planned its doom.
      It flew up and down, and buzzed round and round,
      Pestering me with that annoying sound.
      It zipped by the window and hummed by the door
      Then it buzzed back around the room once more.
      I picked up a spray, taking careful aim
      But that relentless fly buzzed just the same.
      I chased it with swatter, I chased it with spoon,
      The end of that fly was going to be soon.
      It zoomed round the kitchen and buzzed round the hall,
      It flew round the ceiling and settled on the wall.
      A well aimed swipe then a sudden splat;
      For that irritating fly, that was that.

       Barry Stebbings
         31/05/2016

       Entered into Contest, 'Just Make Me Laugh.'
        Sponsored by Christine Lehman.
Categories: swatter, flying, humor, insect, sound,
Form: Couplet

Premium Member Swat

wire and plastic
so fantastic
probably the first real 
weapon we'll use

wire attached to 
plastic mesh
made specifically
for flying pest
yet rarely this rule 
is abused

the fly swatter
which is commonly known
ironically shares it's name
one an organation fighting crime
the other it's plan to maim

the fly is a creature
that constantly annoys
buzzing in our ears
that incestant noise

when it lands
it lands on your face
when your sleeping
it's some other place

then at dinner 
there's that one lone fly
constantly circleing the table
waiting to light just for a bite
where to swat i am not able

they know we're watching
they know it's war
they know about the swatter
and what it's uesd for
sometimes a tool 
sometimes a toy
sometimes it's serious
and sometimes it's enjoyed

one fly can fly and  hide
a dozen swings or so
it knows it's being hunted
yet and still it refuses to go

it's not a game it's a war
i might kill hundreds
outside on the porch

the deadly device
doesn't think twice
about life or what it's getting
no gun or sword could claim
the lives  the swatter 
claims by just hitting

we have what we need
to enjoy the hunt
a clear concious agreed
that death is a must

 a mission at the dinner table
or sport on the porch
the death of a fly 
is a good report

a special weapon and tactic
to be deployed
wire and plastic
from the annoyed
Categories: swatter, bullying, dark,
Form: Blank verse

I, Said the Fly

I said the fly, "Have the need to pry,
my best point of view is your ceiling.
There I can spot any swats your concealing.
Us flies still can not understand why,
you humans find swatting so appealing?
Have you not wonder why wasps try
to build nests in your ceiling,
why female mosquitoes bite, why?
Okay, some facts I am revealing:
As a fly we need you to die,
as food for our babes before pupating.
So we contaminate your food, well try.
We die quite soon after procreating!
Wasps, as you might know, are not a fly,
but their sting is also to food relating.
Used also as a defence, a sting to defy.
“Shush, my human out loud ruminating,
So while I can I'll buzz you goodbye"!

Swish, gee that fly is so frustrating!
Next time with a bigger net I'll be waiting!
No, I'm not a fly swatter, but you'll still
hear me shout out when I net it, a very
loud, 'GOTCHYA'!

My first personification, buzzin!
Categories: swatter, nonsense,
Form: Personification

I'M Just Me

Some say I'm arrogant, the rest say I'm cocky,
But the funniest thing is that no one said it right to me,
They talk behind my back like it has at least one ear,
And as soon as I turn around they all disappear,
Its just my confidence, is there something wrong,
Well if yes the wrongs make me very strong,
I'm just being me, impersonating myself,
Too bad you can't be me, the copier is high on the top shelf,
I’m high on my pedestal, high on my own stool,
Looking down at you all, you all my students welcome to my school,
To be like me you have to keep a straight A average,
Doing extra credit just to get some leverage,
I isolate myself from all you fake people,
Solitary confinement, as I strengthen and you weaken,
All you want to be is fly with some huge swag,
Where's my fly swatter? Oh its right here in my bag,
Just sit and watch as I SWAT all you flies,
Special Weapons And Tactics, then everyone dies,
They say only monkeys are cute, then call me the ape,
Roaming through the jungle to find my female primate,
As I look in my palm, there I see the world,
Then I scan through it all to find the perfect girl,
I search the globe to find her, I wasted my time,
When there she was under my nose, now she's mine,
She's at my level, and we all know that's far,
And I'll search the world again to find you, where ever you are......
Categories: swatter, introspection, uplifting, visionary, me,
Form: Ode

Imaginary Friend

I can see him clearly in my 
head.
He's a fragmented image 
against the wall.
Like a fly beneath the swatter.
His voice, I hear, makes my 
skin crawl.
Sometimes I wonder why I 
even bother.
Sometimes I'd rather not live at 
all.

He's a figment brought to you 
by delusions.
He's only real to me.
He'll never reveal himself to 
you.
His echoes cause contusions.
He only speaks to me.
He'll never talk to you.
His voice brings me 
convulsions.
He's a danger to me.
He's a danger to us all.

Get him out of my head.
Help me now.
This very well could be the end.
He wants things to die down 
now.
Get him out of my head.
He's my imaginary friend.
Categories: swatter, absence
Form: ABC

Premium Member The Flies and the Bees

The Flies and the Bees

The sun has risen and set; another season has been resolved
and many acts of aggression that might never be absolved
No podium will be awarded for the deletion of kick the can
Unfortunately, we all now see, the true measure of that man

There are bees and there are flies, both buzz around the skirt
The bees work hard for honey, but the flies just love the dirt
Bees help pollinate, they make our world thrive and grow
Flies are filthy creatures that crave and lust for guano

Bees are essential for life, without them we all would die
Unfortunately, that’s not the case for the nasty little fly
The bee is well respected and works to save our land
The fly is just a nuisance, so keep your swatter close at hand.
Categories: swatter, analogy,
Form: Rhyme

Premium Member December Fly

december fly buzzing by
how on earth did you survive
frozen cold outside
snow drifts waist high
how are you alive
december fly

december fly buzzing by
my naps slumber you deny
bzzz bzzz bzzz
over my head you whiz
how i wish you dead
but you wing me instead
hovering over my naps bed
december fly
why why oh why
are you still alive
nasty noisy naughty december fly

december fly buzzing by
erasing my afternoon lullaby
happily you swoosh by
dive bombing my tired eyes
waving hands, a moan and sigh
up i slouch sitting on the couch
swing a pillow at the nasty fellow
december fly now you hide
peace and quiet now reside
i know your game so coy and sly
mean so mean december fly

i place the swatter on the coffee table
i recline to rest feeling able
if he dares awaken me again
i'll swing and swat the life out of him
beware december fly
this very afternoon you die
but a yawn and pillow soft
i again nod off
BZZZZZZZ!!!!
SWAT!

the portrait of our dear aunt bernice
now has a smashed fly in her teeth
hope i clean it after i finish my rest
could be a story for our evening guest
sweet dreams and goodbye
in deep winter no longer alive
rest in pieces little december fly
Categories: swatter, december, funny, repetition, sleep,
Form: Rhyme

Holy Diluted Cold Water

holy diluted cold water
did you see that there
its, little grandma mini 
streaking, in her Sunday's best 
tighty-whitie underwear 

come on now
lets catch her quick 
before, she completely lose it 
or she strips right out of her 
JCpenney sundaies brand new underwear 

oh! my, someone get grandpa 
well! I think he's still in the Crapper 
grandpa, just sitting on the can
hold-en a beer in one hand 
and a fly swatter in thee other 
say-en she come home 
when she good, and ready 
or she gets mighty hungry

so we grab a sheet 
off the old washing line 
and dash left to the right
right to the left right down 
the old dirt street 
lucky for me and cousin Jeb
her old knee injury slowed her down
made her stop
and take a breath 

we all most had her
but dam if she isn't
faster than catfish 
trying to jump off the line
she moved so fast 
it looked like she was 
doing movements 
in movie time
like some kind of ninja 

but after 20 minutes
me and cousin jeb 
just sat down in the grass 
and grandma just laugh

and the moral of the story is 
if grandma goes a streaking 
wait 20 minutes before 
you go a seek-en 

and happy de va ju 
to you too...
    
(a tribute to Jeff Foxworthy)
Categories: swatter, black african american, caregiving,
Form:
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