Best Slicer Poems
“Amazing tradition. They throw a great party for you on the one day they know you can’t come.“
Quote by Jeff Goldblum.
JOHNNY SPICER
In this tomb are the bits and pieces of the butcher Johnny Spicer
Got distracted whilst cutting meat and fell into the meat slicer.
JAMES.D.BOWLER
In this crypt are the flat remains of James.D.Bowlar
Tripped crossing the road into the path of a steam roller.
FREDDIE ALBRIGHT
In this grave is the head of surfer Freddie Albright
It was all that was left when he encountered a great white.
JIM BYRONS
Buried below are just the bones of hunter Jim Byrons
His rifle jammed and his body eaten by lions.
THE COMEDIAN
Hear lies Sid the comedian who thought it was funny
Kicking the bucket and owing the taxman money.
WILLO THE WISP
Lying below are the charcoaled remains of fire eater Willo The Wisp
Who drank too much petrol in his act and was burned to a crisp.
EMILY GRAF
Interred in two pieces is the magician's wife Emily Graf
Something went drastically wrong, and he sawed her in half.
PETE THE BUILDER
Above this grave is just the statue of the builder Pete
Fell headfirst into a cement mixer whilst mixing concrete.
JOE McNAIR
The loud crackling you can hear in this grave is of the killer Joe McNair
Too much power was used when they executed him in the electric chair.
Written on 11th August 2024.
Categories:
slicer, dark, death, humor,
Form:
Epitaph
Old
Digger, lifter, mover, slicer
Friend of ScoopDog and Dugger Graves
Lover of landscaping, building, and gardening
Who feels less sharp, disused, and edgy
Who fears dull blades, broken handles, and rust
Who would like to see verdant gardens, straight fence posts, and freshly laid sod
Resident of the junk section on the old wood fence just outside the tool shed
Shovel
Categories:
slicer, change, life, lonely, memory,
Form:
Bio
Slice ham so thin, your in-laws will never come back
This pearl of wisdom came my way
So many years ago
A TV ad that to this day,
The funniest I know
It sliced and diced, did everything
A kitchen chef could seek
In fact, it claimed that it could make
ONE tomato last a week!
But best for me as I recall,
Laughed so hard, I could die-
Onions it could dice so fast,
You don’t have time to cry!
From “The Miracle Slicer”
Categories:
slicer, humor, humorous,
Form:
Rhyme
We were golfing in the morning
It was me and my friend Bill
We were on hole number seven
Everything was going well
I drove my ball straight down the fairway
The shot was pretty nice
Bill leaned hard into his shot
But he had a tendency to slice
It disappeared toward the Condos
We could hear a frightening crash
The picture window tinkled down
Pieces lying on the sash
He said I must go and apologize
To the lady in the place
He found her lying in her chaise lounge
Dressed in frilly things and lace
He went in to check the damage
That he’d done to her place
He came out two hours later
With a big smile on his face
She said don’t worry ‘bout the damage
I already have been paid
My day has started very nicely now
What a difference it has made
I may have lost a window
But the breaks been very nice
You can stop in any time
It has been a slice
Categories:
slicer, funny, golf, humor,
Form:
Rhyme
My Grandfather's Grocer Shop
I was born in Liverpool - England and
I remember back to when I was a child
how I marvelled at the way things were done
in my Grandfather's Grocer shop. in the early 1950s.
I saw him getting a portion of butter and
by using two paddle boards, knock up the butter
to form a block of butter, then wrap it up in
white shop paper, and then he would go to this
large bacon slicer which operated by turning
a huge wheel with a handle, then removing
the bacon from a butcher's hook and then
carving large slices of bacon on it, he would then
hand slice the cheese and wrap it by hand
then give it to the customer, eggs had no cartons
back then, so they were just put into brown paper bags,
customers would often return over broken eggs
and want replacements, if children came in they
would spend the pocket money on a bag of broken
biscuits, straight from the large tins they came in
as there were no packets of biscuits during those
early years of the 1950s, the shopkeepers would
often give free samples out to promote new products
as advertising was very rare and visual advertisements
were often seen on counters or on walls, I used to go in
my Grandfather's shop and was given a large peice
of cheese or some chocolate biscuits as a family gesture.
I watched in amazement as my Grandfather would count
the days takings out of the old fashion till, he would
turn a handle and the draw would pop out, it did not even
have push keys like the more modern cash registers of the
time, but it was vintage in every way, my Grandfather is
now gone, his shop has been knocked down for redevelopment
as many old businesses went the same way but
I will never forget the wonderful memories of my
Grandfather's Grocer Shop.
Categories:
slicer, nostalgia,
Form:
Narrative
Brain strain – A kitchen adventure
Broken ladles scattered about the new granite countertops
Veins of years gone by, prehistoric earth tremblings, spotted composites
in a vast array of colors, wickedly smooth and hard as rock (go figure)
Silverware sings like wind chimes on the tile floor,
cast aside in frantic search…long drawers, endlessly hiding that utensil,
somewhere behind the egg slicer, yellow plastic (what would I do without it?)
Meat thermometer (that sounds nasty) Tupperware tops for what?
Plastic reminders of meals past, no longer fitting their
spaghetti sauce discolored partners, in assorted sizes (used now as makeshift cat food bowls)
Pots and pans, why is it always pots and pans, never pans and pots,
hell in alphabetical order it would be, who thinks up this stuff?
And then those damn lids that never stack (handles, who needs them?)
A blender, a mixer, a dicer, a juicer, a toaster and an apple peeler. An apple peeler?
Brownie tins shaped like a labyrinth, but look at all of those corners…chewy
Not good for the diet but make the perfect Christmas gift. (much more than an apple peeler)
There it is, finally, behind a 5 lb. bag of potatoes and the old Mr. Coffee machine,
tarnished silver, at least a hundred star patterned holes, three little worthless feet…my colander
The one I use to strain my brain, removing all of the bad stuff (so the only thought left is you)
4/6/17
Written for the Go Ahead…I Dare Ya!!! poetry contest
Sponsored by John Lawless
Categories:
slicer, imagination,
Form:
Free verse
Garage Sailing Today
Buckle Up—We are Off…
Jackie, Elias, Winry and me,
Us and the kids—What fun it will be.
A Clothes rack is flying--
Move out of the way …It is a windy day.
A little girl screaming--she has a tight grasp
On my new cheese slicer...
An odd thing to want--if you are a child.
Her mommy said no--I had already paid.
I would offer to share--but it has a sharp blade.
I found a bread box—the old wooden kind.
5 bucks that is a steal…I sold it for 10--what a deal.
No said Jackie...They have enough toys...but I said
To infinity and beyond…Buzz Light Year…Is free.
From sale to sale—not much did we find.
The Children are hungry and we need some coffee.
You know Jackie’s got creamer.
Cheetos Do Fly...
I love you all dearly we will do it again sometime…
Copyright © Merri-Merri/fonda anne….
Categories:
slicer, family,
Form:
Free verse
5/16/22
Here let me paint you a drawing
My skin crawling
Something stirring and calling
As the leaves begin falling
It's appalling
That people are always squabbling
And gossiping
Yet another mauling
It's no longer enthralling
The temperature of the water freezing or scalding
People aging, greying and balding
This process has no halting
Most spills their guts like a geyser
Life's a , but I like her
With every fiber
Many think they're the , but they need a diaper
I got the job done with or without a screwdriver
Close and far from barbwire
While occasionally sipping hard cider
Or Budweiser
I'm no liar
Or one to preach to the choir
Nearby a campfire
And 4 car tires
I stood with a Rottweiler
Feeling lazy or hyper
Harmless like a Sandpiper
Damgerous like a Pit Viper
Harmless like all these ass wipers
Dangerous like a sniper
Harmless like a Striper
Dangerous like a Tiger
Harmless like the town crier
Dangerous like a Black Widow or Red-Back spider
Harmless like always being nicer
Dangerous like the edge of a pizza slicer
It's time for the next shock
Most thought they could fix it with a pep talk
Meanwhile close by flew a red hawk
Before I decided to jet off
Dealt with pests lots, put them in a headlock
Then they came to a dead stop
Nearby the bedrock
It's revolting
Far too much overindulging
And information withholding
Dangerous like exposure to molding
In all directions it's pulling
I'm still mulling
Meanwhile they continue at lulling
So that they are the ones controlling
In pitch blackness
Full of sadness
Reaching a state of madness
The pattern becoming erratic
It's nearly always tragic
With endless havoc
I almost had it
And went bat
But I partook in Black Magic
In a basement as well as an attic
In the end the outcome was anti-climactic
Categories:
slicer, dark, deep, life, poetry,
Form:
Rhyme
Mandolin slicer
rubbing my heart on its blade
Tomato red bowl
Categories:
slicer, sad
Form:
Haiku
the square
was packed
& the high street full
meat&veg seemed plentiful
market barkers
drew the queues
with jokes
impromptu
shoppers filed
neat& formal
in sainsburys greggs
& home colonial
the bacon slicer
shuttled back& forth
rashers scaled
in halves&fourths
bread mealed smooth&strong
butter patted shaped oblong
cheese cut with twangy wire
toasted later on an open fire
ham sliced from the bone
spuds bagged weighed in stones
tea from open square tins
packet-served with a welcome grin
'woollies' snackbar smells
'elevenses' hunger time to quell
one mug of ovaltine must'nt dally
so shortcut thru' market alley
where auctioneers tones rise&fall
above the sheep&cattle stalls
then off homewards at a trot
last pennies spent in feaseys sweetshop
on the train bridge 'spotted' numbers new
waited whilst the 'cutler' raced thru'
along pebble brook time to climb a tree
on this day shopping was made coupon-free
Categories:
slicer, memory, nostalgia,
Form:
Rhyme
Spicer Enticer
Spicer enticer;
Never have things been nicer;
Should chop tie with slicer.
Did you read the latest
best seller Great Escape
from Trump. Stump the
Trump would also be an
interesting game if you
are game. It wouldn't
take to much to do it.
Jim Horn
Spicer imitations on Friday
Night Live were incredible.
Categories:
slicer, humorous,
Form:
Haiku
An oversized vintage T-shirt is
My weekend attire or
More like my mainichi attire
My face bare
Exposing an unnamed galaxy of freckles
The bottle of
Cheap combini
Apple sparkling wine
Feelin like a millionaire
A neon highlighter between my lips
A novel in my hand
While the others wait its turn
Lounging around in piles
All over my room
The mismatched mugs
With the coffee or tea
I didn’t finish drinking
Sitting cold
Flipping through different playlists
Am I feelin like the present
Might be better to
Throw it back a little
To the better days
When the places I commuted to were
Not only
My desk chair in the morning
And
My bed at night
Gazing up at the
Skies of my ceilings and walls
To see the stars of impressions
I’ve found light years ago
Will I find other vibrant constellations
That are none like the rest?
I stare at the blank walls
As if I can magically materialize
Somethin
Just a little different somethin
To make the days
Pass a little faster
My scars on my hand are healin
The scars of last summer
Dangerous carelessness
A slip of the hand
A slip of the slicer
A bit of blood but no foul
It was all my mistake of the making
Silly silly mistake
At least I’ve been fortunately given
Given the gift of time
To heal
To grow
And face em front fearlessly
Some days breaking down
In nightmares
With unknown meanings
That cannot be depicted
Some days breaking down
Into grateful laughter
The colors of my nails changing like the
Changing of the seasons
The quiet but solemn translation
From spring to summer
Sakura pink to
Silver scales of mermaid lagoons
Dreamin of the day
To return to sea
The waterfalls of rain
Spraying my windows
The trees bellowing in the wind
Come golden beans of sun
With the cicadas
Announcing the first day of aelin
Opening the curtains to midsummer
The season of magic and fairies
Yet
I stay on my chair
Undisturbed by the chaos
Outside my window
Writing the verses
My heart tells me
To compose
The feelings
That cannot be fathomed
Into stars
The abendrot sun
Sees through my smile in the daylight
The nyctophilic moon
Solemnly watching my
Silent cries at night
They both keep my secrets
As I keep composing
My operas of comedies and tragedies
Categories:
slicer, addiction, books, loneliness, lonely,
Form:
Free verse
Late 1940s England
the square
was packed
& the high street full
meat&veg seemed plentiful
market barkers
drew the queues
with jokes
impromptu
shoppers filed
neat& formal
in sainsburys greggs
& home colonial
the bacon slicer
shuttled back& forth
rashers scaled
in halves&fourths
bread mealed smooth&strong
butter patted shaped oblong
cheese cut with twangy wire
toasted later on an open fire
ham sliced from the bone
spuds bagged weighed in stones
tea from open square tins
packet-served with a welcome grin
'woollies' snackbar smells
'elevenses' hunger time to quell
one mug of ovaltine must'nt dally
so shortcut thru' market alley
where auctioneers tones rise&fall
above the sheep&cattle stalls
then off homewards at a trot
last pennies spent in feaseys sweetshop
on the train bridge 'spotted' numbers new
waited whilst the 'cutler' raced thru'
along pebble brook time to climb a tree
on this day shopping was made coupon-free
Categories:
slicer, nostalgia,
Form:
Rhyme
Our final night in Montreal,
To take a break from fries,
We saw a nice Italian place
We thought we’d patronize.
We ordered salad, beer and wine
And, perfect for our sharing,
An interesting pizza
Which they took their time preparing.
When it came out, we were surprised
For, though it looked enticing,
It was a perfect circle
Which no one had started slicing.
The waitress then provided
Not a slicer like we know,
But a special sharpened scissor
Which went smoothly through the dough.
The pizza was delicious,
Cooked to absolute perfection,
Which we happily devoured
As we snipped each brand-new section.
A tiramisu finished off
A most amazing meal,
With our unexpected scissor-slices
Part of the appeal.
Categories:
slicer, appreciation, food,
Form:
Rhyme
The Early Years
She is to entertain 20 people
I fried up 20 cucumbers
5 lbs. Of okra
In a grit and Parmesan cheese
And bits of bacon in the batter
Some spices, mace, cayenne , paprika
Garlic and onion powder in the
Bater*w/flour and eggs baking soda*
I roasted a teriyaki style pork loin
And sliced it thin with commercial
Mixer, I mean the slicer
A creamy sauce to top it
With vinager , jalapeno, lime
Cream cheese and sour cream
With a touch of fish stock and a
Drop or two of gin, extra dry honey!
Fixed some cheesy grits
Fried some green tomatoes
Steamed some shrimp
And made crab balls
And a pot of
Hollindise
With lime and tequila
and cayenne, Sweet Missie
Slap my ass!
Strawberry shortcake
With
A rummy strawberry sauce
Whipped cream
And vanilla ice cream
Ya'll that's ah party!
Slurp the white zinfendell
And tug at your drawels
She got to take
Notice of this
Mans efforts!
Biscuits sweet like cookies
Dix's wanna pound sum
P*ssie!
I"it'ss s ah love thang! "
Categories:
slicer, adventure, culture, dance,
Form:
Alliteration