Best Masseuse Poems
That mammogram! That mammogram!
I do not like that mammogram!
Would you like it on a couch?
I think that I would still say ouch!
Would you like it with champagne?
I think that I would still complain.
I do not like that mammogram.
I’d rather eat green eggs and ham.
Would you like it with no squeeze?
I think I’d still be ill at ease.
Would you like it fully dressed?
That I think would be the best.
That mammogram! That mammogram!
I do not like that mammogram!
What, then, would you most prefer?
Maybe others would concur.
If I could have a cute masseuse
Who sounded just like Dr. Seuss,
Perhaps that yearly mammogram
Would not be such a cruel exam.
Then I would like it on a couch
And wouldn’t act like such a grouch;
And I would like it with champagne,
Ignoring that annoying pain.
I would enjoy my mammogram.
I’d be as happy as a clam;
But ‘til that time, I will protest
Each time that tech does squish my breast!
Categories:
masseuse, health, parody, , cute,
Form:
Rhyme
She is super, she says. After I leave there, I feel great!
This is my friend Louise who is trying to convince me to sign up for a massage.
I suspect if she gets a friend to sign up, she will win a pony or something.
I had a massage once, I say. The woman was rough. I was screaming in agony.
Kip is not like that, she says. She is wonderful! You would love her massages.
She put her thumb out on my back, I tell her. From pressing too hard.
Kip is gentle, she says. Really gentle.
You would have to kill me and drag my dead body to her table, I reply in the loveliest way.
I am not kidding, she says. She makes me feel great. Do you want me to make you an appointment?
I look at the bag of candy I am eating. Only 65 calories for a mini-Almond joy, I say. Not bad.
She looks up from her vegetable burger. Only 65 calories for what?
An Almond joy.
She takes another bite of her flat ugly unappetizing vegetable burger. Back to my masseuse, she says.
I really would like to make an appointment for you.
I would rather jump off a cliff into a vat of wild boars who have not had lunch, I say.
She really is terrific, Louise says. You owe it to yourself to try it.
I owe it to myself to find a different lunch partner is what I am thinking.
Categories:
masseuse, for her,
Form:
Free verse
Llfeproof, I see your gauntlet thrown down
Is my life rough enough to smash your crown?
Are my depths so deep to make you drown?
If I leave you on the dash when I’m in town
Can you take the heat; will you melt down?
I’ll pitch you to my son; he’ll knock you downtown
Maybe even all the way to Cooperstown
Take you on a sweaty run, sun-up to sundown
Wear you on my hip when I ride ‘round
Subject you to every ride on the playground
(But modern playgrounds are all padded down)
Dance all day and night at a howdown
Take you to Tombstone for a showdown
Pick a fight with a boxer of world renown
Ask a pro wrestler to see his best takedown
Drop you at the ranch in something brown
Leave you in a wok in Chinatown
Then take you to a masseuse for a rubdown
If I can’t defeat you, should I be let down?
Not rugged enough, should I wear a gown?
It appears that you survived, what a comedown
At least my phone’s safe, but still I frown
It’s ringing really loud, not in shutdown
Telling me not to be such a fool clown
4/14/15
Categories:
masseuse, humor, silly,
Form:
Monorhyme
Ever have one of those days
where you just have to get away
from the daily work grind...
where you can just kick back,
relax a little,
and finally unwind,
tomorrow is that day for me
because I took a personal day,
where I'm going to sleep in till noon,
wake up and shower and dress
and watch a little television
if I'm in the mood,
then eat a leisurely lunch
with a lot of crunch,
and savor every bite,
afterwards have a nice dessert,
like some sherbet,
that'll really hit the spot,
then drive to my appt. in town
and get massaged by a masseuse,
go get a manicure and a pedicure,
shop for a new dress,
and go get my hair done by my hair stylist,
later at home check my e-mail
and see whats on the soup,
laugh at some of the funny poems
because they can be so humorous,
read some of the serious ones,
and feel the corners of my mouth suddenly droop,
then after that I'll maybe take a walk
and stroll around the park,
but by then it'll probably be getting late
and the dusk will be turning to dark,
so I'll go home to my family,
and I'll say good night
and go retire for the night,
where I'll go into my sanctuary,
change into my pajamas,
watch some t.v.
and turn off the light,
but I know most if this is just a fantasy,
but it really doesn't matter
since I'm not really into all that glamour
why I'm just your average Josephine,
like a lot of folks just trying to stay afloat
by making ends meet,
Because when I look around
there's 1001 chores to be done,
especially the housework,
where I'll be washing dishes,
feeding the cats, dogs and fishes,
cleaning windowsills,
dusting and vacuuming,
mopping floors,
wiping down doors,
doing the laundry,
and shredding some old bills,
But hey, I'd rather get these mundane
chores out of the way on a Friday,
so then on the weekend
I can do what I want
and go out and have a fun day!
Categories:
masseuse, adventure, fantasy, work,
Form:
Light Verse
A skeleton walks into a bar and says
“Gimme a beer and a mop”
Show me where Joseph Stalin is buried
And I'll show you a communist plot
My masseuse rubbed me the wrong way again
Fired her though she had good skills
A duck in a bar orders a couple of beers
Says, “Just put it on my bill”
About seven million people are overweight
These, of course, are round figures
Where would you find giant snails I ask
On the ends of a giant's fingers
Studied over four years to become a doctor
But I didn't have any patience
A Buddhist refused Novocain from his dentist
To transcend dental medication
Had a job working in an orange juice factory
Got canned 'cause I couldn't concentrate
Also worked for a pool maintenance company
Too draining so getting fired was my fate
Thought I'd try working as a tailor a while back
But the job wasn't suited for me
Can you please tell me the purpose of reindeer
It makes the grass grow, my sweetie
Enough is enough so until next time we meet
Thanks for your indulgence once more
I will definitely want your honest critique
But please be gentle, I implore
© Jack Ellison 2014
Categories:
masseuse, humorous,
Form:
Quatrain
Help wanted. See the details below.
I’m lookin’ for a part-time assistant, and a life skills mentor,
A Quick Books accountant, and an exercise partner,
And a neat housekeeper that can do windows.
It helps if you’re a sink un-plugger, and a flower arranger,
And a calendar planner, and a good back scratcher,
And an organic gardener that can make things grow.
Later I might need a daycare provider, and a taxi driver,
And a paramedic, and a pre-school teacher.
You’ll be the go-to person that everyone knows.
It helps if you’re a gourmet cook, and a chic hair stylist,
And a party hostess, and a homework tutor.
Your duties will expand as the company grows.
There’s a retirement package no one else can match.
But I gotta warn you that there’s just one catch.
So if you think you could handle all of the above,
This is a twenty-year contract for a full-time love.
So if you want the position, click the link above!
Might be a thirty-year contract for a full-time love.
Maybe a forty-year contract for a full-time love.
I really need a secretary, and a home decorator,
A shiatsu masseuse, and a fashion coordinator.
There are no limits to how much you can grow.
I can offer you some health insurance, maybe college tuition,
Free company housing, and used transportation.
So what do you say, why don't we make a go?
Help wanted. Click the link above. Help wanted. Find somebody to love.
Categories:
masseuse, funny love, humorous,
Form:
Lyric
the garden pond
carefully placed....
see frozen goldfish
frozen goldfish--
coolly await
spring thaw
spring rain
falls softly --
a wet massage
the masseuse
strong fingers but--
no candy
the candy store
millions of flavors--
calories counted
food cops
now in schools....
can’t read
the writing spider
writes your name and you die....
no spell check
checks and balance....
is only found
In banking
Mexican food
source of the winds...
bank on that
the winds
creeping in silence....
very deceptive
deceptive haiku
just had to get noticed....
now paying price
Categories:
masseuse, life
Form:
Haiku
Here's the Good News, our world is awash,
in wonders and beauty life cannot quash;
Like laughter and love, kind words, Turtle Doves,
Bar Mitzvahs and birthdays, baptisms and first dates,
Promotions, Grand Openings, healings and yodeling!
Still more Good News...
Our world is awash, in kisses and hands held,
Tests passed, graduations, and money found;
Quiet moments of solitude, with friends in coffee shops,
Good moods rise above, and a dog’s unconditional love!
And still more...
A cat’s warm fur, trips to masseuse or masseur;
Reports of remission, Broadway shows and magicians,
Art galleries, symphonies, faith and homeless ministries;
Be ye conscious of good news, often awash,
Overwhelmed by negative, it simply gets lost.
Just a heads up--Good News Sells too!
March 22, 2020
Categories:
masseuse, appreciation, cat, dog, happiness,
Form:
Free verse
There’s Just One Catch
Help wanted. See the details below.
Help wanted. See the details below.
I’m lookin’ for a part-time assistant, and a life skills mentor,
A Quick Books accountant, and an exercise partner,
And a neat housekeeper that can do windows.
It helps if you’re a sink un-plugger, and a flower arranger,
And a calendar planner, and a good back scratcher,
And an organic gardener that can make things grow.
Help wanted. See the details below.
Help wanted. See the details below.
Later I might need a daycare provider, and a taxi driver,
And a paramedic, and a pre-school teacher.
You’ll be the go-to person that everyone knows.
It helps if you’re a gourmet cook, and a chic hair stylist,
And a party hostess, and a homework tutor.
Your duties will expand as the company grows.
(Chorus)
There’s a retirement package no one else can match.
But I gotta warn you that there’s just one catch.
So if you think you could handle all of the above,
This is a twenty-year contract for a full-time love.
So if you want the position, click the link above!
Might be a thirty-year contract for a full-time love.
Maybe a forty-year contract for a full-time love.
Help wanted. See the details below.
Help wanted. See the details below.
I really need a secretary, and a home decorator,
A shiatsu masseuse, and a fashion coordinator.
There are no limits to how much you can grow.
I can offer you some health insurance, maybe college tuition,
Free company housing, and used transportation.
So what do you say, why don't we make a go?
(repeat chorus)
Help wanted. Click the link above.
Help wanted. Click the link above.
Help wanted. Find somebody to love.
Categories:
masseuse, allegory, cute love, humorous,
Form:
Lyric
March middles and meanders
while munching on mild marigolds and
meekly mumbling melancholy meanings
about the miserable maladies of
migraines from mostly grasses and pollens.
Meanwhile, mealy mouthed moguls
make monotone messages about
monopolies while meandering
around the metropolis, moving
morosely like mundane mensches.
Maybe a masseuse with a
mustard mustache could
manipulate and mop up the
madness that has multiplied
over this mixed up millennium.
Mostly, though, we must march and
move to mitigate the mad man monarchy
or make a mad dash to Monrovia!
Categories:
masseuse, fun, silly,
Form:
Alliteration
hotsy totsy cutesy
does the watutsy
on your backbone
touchy feely girlie
serenades senses early
with design of her own
deep tissue
is the issue
fingers probe and prod
kneading, rubbing
muscles in a wad
heavenly bliss
mind seems to kiss
edges of the mirage
now fully awake
no mistake
afterglow of
a massage.
© 09 Dec 2010 Charles Henderson
Categories:
masseuse, health
Form:
Rhyme
If all writing is, indeed, a mere ruse,
Why do I need an inspirational muse,
or editor my syntax to masseuse
Mind's eye is vapid and obtuse;
My brain is calling an immediate truce
Inane pretenses no longer refuse,
and with sixth sense consciously fuse
Mundane fare is now abstruse;
Morose wit critics dare not abuse,
or for lack of purpose, design accuse
Metaphors, metonymies tightly noose;
Colloquial sayings, truisms freely infuse
Slang terms, archaic words out of use,
In remediated discourse common, diffuse
Choppy meter, bland rhyme schemes choose;
No rhythmic patterns, contrived forms to confuse
Do not need with limericks, riddles to bemuse;
Trite puns, silly jabs will laughter's tonic effuse
Categories:
masseuse, art,
Form:
Rhyme
A wild pagan, the wind, a spectral masseuse,
Blunt cudgel and claw dipped in liquid frost,
To corrupt and ravage the pit head columns,
As black trees threshed and leaves were tossed;
Slapped against satanic steel mill backdrops,
Thrust over crusty cracked fissures of rock,
The rattling rain gunned down the mountains,
Scattered the sallow, forsaken flock.
In the forks and tines of lightning stabbing
To bomb the moon and shivering stars,
Ivories tickled by ozone and aftershock
Shrilled in a sky of splitting white scars;
The harpsichord played on a stormy night,
A melody wracked and cracked with disease,
Jagged enough to split open the heart,
For nothing and no one were sat at the keys…
Categories:
masseuse, death, music, nature, passion,
Form:
Rhyme
Love, whose will hasn't shaken
Leaving all in your path blazing
Not a victim, yet this heart has been taken.
An infinite wonder which's simply amazing.
Seems that I recall your fragrance.
Say I'm crazy, well we're both insane
Desiring has me brimming with impatience
A fatal attraction nearing us to pain.
Full of hurt, love isn't seemingly superb.
Inducing me with you touch like a masseuse
You caught my heart, love is not just a verb.
Reeling me with your eyes, you seduce
This love forbidden, like the sweetest taboo
Safeguard my heart as I bid adieu.
Categories:
masseuse, i love you, love,
Form:
Sonnet
Roses are nice to have but they soon die
Obviously chocolates are a fave but go to my thighs
Many cute stuffed animals pile up real fast
And that song about diamonds only makes me laugh
Nothing says I love you better than a massage
Tantalizing muscle relaxing helps me sleep like a log
If you want to keep your woman learn how to be a masseuse
Can't deny its worth a try so I can snooze….Zzzzzzzzzzz
~Not for the contest~
2-15-18
Categories:
masseuse, romance, silly,
Form:
Acrostic