Best Maladaptive Poems
And maybe tonight in feasting
I'll inhale the flavors of my meal
and exhale colors in the wind
I have not been chosen
beyond our understanding, it just is
It’s the quiet that scares me
so I'm a puppeteer of the shadows
Dancing near the light source
to feed my lonely
I breathe this naturally
Another dimension
Another time
More laughter
I'm pacing and spinning
Yelling and singing
I'm in control
until the arch of my feet gets weak
from chasing the muse my bed becomes
And I'm tired
In prayer I lay
The only air left to breathe is the regret of wasting the day
It was never us
Just me filling the spaces of those I want to love
They are not here now
They cant share this with me
I'm only weak
It's only me
I unplug myself from reality;
Dissociate myself from everything.
Put my body on aeroplane mode
To go back to the daydreams and delusions
Just so I could feel something.
But when I return I always find everything shattered
And so I try to pick everything up
And get back on track
Only to find I've lost everything in me.
The bits and pieces I've tried to connect
Were long gone before I knew.
Hallucinations, dreams and reality
Look all the same to me.
No longer able to tell them apart
I lose, once again, every sense of reality
Just to be an empty vessel numbed with nothingness.
A hand full of bliss,
with life’s contentment, I
woke up desolate.
Everyone was begging me to do something about my anxiety.
So I got into meditation.
So I mediate every day.
It was all on them.
Then it was all mine.
Forever, all mine.
As sad as it is,
It gets less daunting over time.
And more like-
This is heavenly.
And more like-
I will live forever if I keep this up.
For hours and hours,
Then more hours.
Then weeks go by, and it’s like-
I don’t know what a week means anymore.
I can’t remember what makes me weak, or what makes me strong.
But it’s all good, it’s all healthy.
And I don’t complain anymore.
And they don’t complain anymore.
The flashing lights grow closer,
but the cries of my 6-year-old sister
have quieted.
To my left, I see the car driver, my brother,
lying motionless in the road.
Rain hits my legs.
No.
Blood drips down my body.
I can no longer feel my own pulse.
Relief washes over me;
I won’t have to face the agony of losing you.
I think I die.
I hope I do.
But the light never ignites,
only an empty darkness
that feels like home.
We can’t lose her either
I felt the rejuvenating pulse throughout
my whole body.
I resurface,
broken but breathing.
Turning onto the gravel driveway,
I wipe the tears from my face.
Bracing to greet my parents,
I plaster on a genuine smile
masking my sorrow.
Taking my keys out of the ignition,
the story crumbles.
I made up the car crash
simply to pass time.
No glass, no screaming.
No loss, no love.
The pain is just as real, the guilt, the confusion
of inventing a nightmare
just to escape my mundane routine
of school, work, study, sleep.
I stare at the grey house in front of me,
like it’s a stranger.
I wonder if I am the kind
of person who needs tragedy
just to believe I matter.
I never wanted to survive this quiet life,
wanted only to stop pretending
I’m okay.
I walk inside, the beige walls welcome me.
I say hello like I haven’t imagined
my own eulogy.
I eat dinner, talk about school
and about work.
No one knows that I die
every day in a place
they can’t see.