Best Hit The Deck Poems
The bats in the steeple were feeding on people
By sucking the blood splattered wood
That came from the coffin a vampire dropped off in
When he’d drunk all the blood that he could
Here in my basement, my permanent placement
I lurk since the day that I died
At rest in my casket, my skull in a basket
My hideous grin gaping wide
Rats and mice squeaking a rusty hinge creaking
A slither of light from outside
My long severed head was rotted and dead
But gasped as the door opened wide
I lifted my lid as some hooded kid
Crept sneakily into my crypt
He soon spun about and he might have run out
If only he hadn’t have slipped
As he hit the deck he shattered his neck
I thought he was bound to be dead
But then as he stood, he lowered his hood
And then he un-swivelled his head
He gave me a wink as a hideous stink
Came gushing with smoke from his ears
He then started hissing through teeth that were missing
He looked like he’d been dead for years
I climbed from my tomb and stood in the room
Where demons would hide out all day
Until in the night they’d screech their delight
And frighten the vicar away
But this little fellow with skin that was yellow
And nails that were long curly claws
Let out a howl, an unholy wail
Then went back and bolted the doors
Like rattles at Wembley, my bones were all trembly
My teeth were all chattering too
My wee wee was dribbling and let’s not be quibbling
I thought I was going to poo
It’s usually nice that we can’t die twice
So people down here dwell forever
I then realised that everyone dies
And now I’m not feeling too clever
For my turn came first, to enter the hearse
My beautiful love left alone
In these years apart she’s been in my heart
But hell’s darkest hole has no phone
So how could it be this thing before me
Could desecrate my sacred rest
I needed it banished, It had to be vanished
Along with the worms in its chest
I watched every worm wriggle and squirm
I jumped at the twelfth hour chime
In life we take knocks through the ticks and the tocks
But we can’t fight the passing of time
So...
In spite of the stink, I started to think
Which gave me the fright of my life
I had to make room in a new double tomb
For that hideous thing was my wife!
Entered October 2021 in Your Personal Favorite No 2
Sponsor L Milton Hankins
Putting my kisses all around your neck,
Obligates you to do the same to me.
Electrify my soul and I will be
The one whose knees will quickly hit the deck.
Destroyer, I am now a nervous wreck,
Expected to pay the ultimate fee,
Selling my soul so I can set your free
To bounce, as if you had been a bad check.
Restitution will have to be paid back,
Or I may never pleasure you again.
You can take my payments off of your rack,
Extending the time to pay for a sin.
Royalties will always be in the sack,
So that I can always secure a win.
Residue
Wrapped in cellophane and ribbon
mocking burned down evergreens
Screaming at the shadowed walls
as nightmares spurn your toxic dreams
Lurking near the bottles filled with
endless empty molten fears
Dampening the diapers as a
mother cries her countless tears
Broken weave of tattered sleeve behind the darkness to believe
That midnight forms what we conceive in moments cast to only grieve
We’ll go dancing nightly
in the attic
while the moon is rising
in the sky
If I’m too drunk tell me,
I’m so scared your little
head will come off
in my hands
What the heck did you expect for just a speck, a tiny fleck
Now hit the deck you wretched wreck as long ago we did suspect
Counting money residue on
blackened smoldered fingernails
As billion dollar babies sing
in toothless whining rancid wails
Toddlers of the devil’s creed wear
shiny plastic floating eyes
Now staring at you while you sleep
these monsters gather in disguise
This poem was inspired by one of my favorite songs,
Alice Cooper’s “Billion Dollar Babies”
The italicized lines are lyrics from that song. Here is a link to the song: https://youtu.be/6sD8sO0B97I
And in case you didn’t know, the other voice you’ll hear singing on the song is Donovan (Mellow Yellow)
Have you ever seen a duck come in to land… on land
It’s an eventuality that nature never planned
For ducks that land on water such a graceful splashdown make
But should they land on terra firma… it sure ain’t Swan Lake
Each one does a belly flop, a cartwheel and a stagger
They get up and compose themselves, but ducks weren’t made to swagger
They have no shame so simply waddle with ungainly gait
Toward the back door of my house where they all stand and wait
This morning there were six of them, I watched them all crash down
“They’ll need a pint or two of seed,” I muttered with a frown
Their heads were first to hit the deck, their rumps stuck in the air
I went out with a jug of seed to find them gathered there
As I stepped outside I felt like Moses on the shore
The ducks made space for me to walk and not a hair’s breadth more
Two partridges were standing by and I also fed those
And when the pecking finished, well, I almost checked my toes.
Bird seed by the quarter-gallon gobbled up each time
I wouldn’t mind but it ain’t half a kilo for a dime
But it gives me pleasure and as I stood there this morn
Two more kamikaze ducks crash landed on my lawn.
The aide will aid you right away
Names of guests are guessed today
Wines not allowed, don't whine aloud
Drop your watch and watch the crowd
Don't nod your head you may be gnawed
And still be still and not applaud
The band is banned to play Do- Wop
Don't break the brake or you won't stop
The course is coarse so hold on tight
That last phase may faze you tonight
A scent is sent for you to smell
Remove your rings to ring the bell
You will go forth at fourth by heck
If a herd is heard then hit the deck!
A Mix-Up on Payday
By Elton Camp
Get acquainted with Senator Rich
To control spending he does itch
Changing Social Security is his way
“It’s far too expensive,” he does say
Especially the cost of living increase
The senator would like to have cease
The elderly folks he’s willing to frighten
“Your belts you’re going to have to tighten.”
He doesn’t hesitate at all them to tell
They make enough to live right well
One day he was found at his desk dead
Before him lay the thing he had just read
A social security check replaced his pay
Though an error, he died of shock that day
For his heart stopped & he hit the deck
Seeing what he thought was his paycheck
Running in the dark I tripped and fell
Copper in the air, all I could smell
Fear and terror touched my head
Hope I wasn't just left for dead
Up ahead was some kind of light
Saw some movement prepared to fight
Thats when I saw the look in his eye
Had to be strong or I knew I would die
He said follow me I know the way
If you want to live you'll do what I say
That's when I saw the horns and the tail
I knew right then I could be only in hell
I turned and ran as fast as I could
My body felt rigid, almost like wood
I could feel heat on the back of my neck
A blow to my head and I hit the deck
As blackness pulled me down in a hole
I knew that my life wasn't all that he stole
As hideous laughter brought me awake
I knew it was over, my soul he would take
What do you want was all I could say
He said with a smirk," You may want to pray "
My mind snapped and I began to squeal
The last thing I heard was " Let's make a deal "
Tinkerbell , Tinkerbell
My grandmother would shout
Oh dear , Bloody hell
She's let the damn thing out.
I knew that it was coming
There was no more to be said
Whoosh , There she goes
Phtttttt Thar she blows
and she'd pooped upon my head.
No she wasn't a fairy
but she was vicious and scary
and that damn canary
Really hated me .
Next time I went round there
I wore my baseball cap
I'm a brave lad from Yorkshire
and I'm not taking any crap
but she landed on my shoulder
and gave my ear a peck
I managed to fight her off
and then I hit the deck
Whoosh , There she goes
Phttttt , Thar she blows
and she'd pooped upon my head
No she wasn't a fairy
but she was vicious and scary
and that damn canary
Really hated me .
She's sat upon the curtain rail
Surveying her domain just like a queen
but I know she is evil
and a disgusting poop machine
She's got more ammunition
than a battleships magazine
Whoosh . There she goes
Phtttttttt , Thar she blows
and she's pooped upon my head.
No she wasn't a fairy
but vicious and scary
and that damn canary
Really hated me.
A man from the Canadian Mounties
Joined the Strathclyde police,
Seconded to tame the gangs
Of the inner Glasgow streets.
But on one sunny day
In Southern Lanarkshire,
A horse escaped from its stable
To bring some local fear.
So they called our Canadian pal
To see how he rides a horse,
And if he could tame the stallion
In the style of the Canadian force.
As he approached the GG
It let the man sit on its back,
Who bragged to his uniformed pals
"See I ain't no Mountie hack".
But slowly creeping behind
Sergeant Jock gave the horse a wack,
The horse responded in kind
And bolted with its rider bear back.
To the shock of our Mountie friend
Being scared he'll hit the deck,
Grabbed the horse real tight
With sleeper hold around its neck.
But the horse just panicked more
And ran as fast as it could,
With the pride of the mounted police
'Round it's neck straight into the wood.
So the rest of the police on duty
followed the horse and its jockey,
Laughing and running so hard
Thinking of jokes that could mock him.
They eventually found the horse
Without our Mountie friend,
For the horse threw off Canadian pride
When their run had come to and end.
Now if you ask our Mountie friend
"Do you ride horses anymore",
He'll smile and wink as he tells you
"I've never ridden a horse before".
Note : this is a true story. A Strathclyde (Glasgow) policeman told me so it must be true
" Sci-Fi Bar Jokes & Riddles ... "
( 1 Tim. 1: 11)
(1.)
"Star Wars Bar ..."
A Jedi Knight and a Wookie, walk into a bar ...
The Jedi tells the bartender to keep the drinks coming.
Around dawn, when the Jedi is too drunk to think,
the bartender, then tells them both, its time to pay
their tab. Then the Jedi, turns to his buddy, the Wookie
and asks, "Do You Mind?"
------- ------- ------ -------
(2)
"Dune's Sand Bar ..."
On Arrakis, the desert planet known as Dune,
A Duke and a Baron, walks into a bar ...
Now, which one orders the biggest bottle of Mezcal?
------- ------ ------- -------
(3)
"The Matrix-Mixer Bar ..."
Neo and Morpheus, walk into a bar ...
On that night, every patron, gets their first drink free
Now, the selection is between two drink choices on
the list: They can choose either the 'Crimson Cocktail'
or the 'Blue Kamikaze' ... Which did Neo pick?
------- ------- ------- ------
(4)
"Stargate Symbol Bar ..."
Col. O'Neill and Teal'c, walk into the Stargate
and wine-up in a bar (he-he) ... in a world
very much like our own. While there, they
socialize with the locals, sample strange brews
and get very intoxicated. However, not to worry,
on this world, the bartender is used to visitors
who can't handle the native liquors ... So,
the bar has their own taxi, on standby
for such occasions. So he dials the cab.
But before the cabdriver comes, the taxi
has to be gased up. The question is:
"What gas station does he use?"
------- ------- ------- -------
(5)
"Barsoom/Mars' Whiskey Bar ..."
A Thern and a Thark, walk into a bar ...
They join John Carter, who was drinking Cutty Sark
and a Martini. Also there, is The Princess, who
sips on deja-blue water and a shot of Royal Crown.
The Thern, gives his order for a glass of Jameson & Gin
And the Thark, orders: Jim Bean and Jack Daniels
... and a Bourbon ... and a Beer
------- ------- ------- -------
(6)
"Star Trek's Hit The Deck"
As They Journey Into Darkness & Each Distant Star
Kirk & Spock Walks Into The Enterprize's Bar
And Tho' The Ship May Shake & Warp-Drive-Drop
Mr. Spock Keeps As Cool As A Glass of Ciroc
And Captain Kirk, Just Orders A Scotch On The Rocks
('Cause Scotty Takes Care of All The Enterprize's Stock)
------- ------- ------- -------
Poem/Jokes by: MoonBee
Vertical Sea
Arise horizons tell us what you see
Vertical rain comes on high wave conclusions adrift in mist
Fortunes waiting out on the sea for men who come in ships
So much rain came in from all directions in one instance
Sanity was questioned at a distance along with risk
Vertical rain broke portal windows with such force
Eighty mile winds crashed in as well
Distracted men at playing cards, drinking rum for fun
Now huddled in fear within the thin skin cabin
No one slept inside the dead of hour’s darkness
Troubles bounced up and down out there
Pirates in the past fumbled their rich existence down
A new crop of water warriors can be found to take their place
Doubloons are buried in dark quarter’s underwater world
Above and below deck, inundated with storm and fear
Between each plank the storm took out more men
No thick skinned seasoned soul could harness or hold on
No salty language sailor could be heard
Above the tumultuous storm
The fierce beast rolled in on angry nature’s back
With it, folding over fifty foot waves, came torrential rains
Which pounded heavy on the bow
Churned up rogue waters on the vulnerability of sea life
Nature itself turned on them in adept ferocity
In violence it flipped the ship
Showed contempt for every soul on board
With total disregard for life and limb
And complete indifference towards the sailors
The blackness, void of light, could not help these tyrannical conditions
The monstrous storm consumed more than the rain
It drank up men and drowned them
Others flew in all directions
Most of them broke necks, died before they hit the deck
Instantly killed, dragged into the cold dark depths as well
All steps were in the wrong direction, in favor of the waves
They could not even cower in the craft or say a prayer
The boat and men turned upside down
The ship had splintered into nothing and flew into the gale
Only three men remained, bobbing on the giant waves
Flapping their arms like molested chickens on the sea
Tossed in every direction but straight ahead
Rogue waves were in control, in hysterical rage and agitation
No one knew what happened to the crew
They were never seen again
I was silently watching the two Mary’s sigh and cry,
When the earthquake hit and I just wanted to cover,
The ground nearly parted and there was no-one to chi,
I hit the deck for stones from the tomb threw over.
Covering my head with my hands and laying tight up,
I was aware of the two Mary’s moving over speedily,
To the tomb stone to take advantage of the windup,
Which just contributed to the terror weighing heavily.
After six minutes it ceased, and peace did administer,
The two of them were straight at the caster right in there,
But I needed another while to recover from the disaster,
So just sat looking firstly at the grass, then over there.
By the time I got them they’d given the body determinedly,
To the gardener who already had lit it and was fanning it,
So I ran as fast as a chicken away from a fox very quickly,
Up the mountain to get my head straight to think about it.
I worked it out that I had to talk with the two Mary’s,
Because I also appreciated what Jesus did when alive,
Since he had cured my cousin from quadriplegic paralysis,
Such that this cousin’s possibility was now to thrive.
So I did decide to accept Mary’s plans of ingenuity,
For the continuation of her son’s work with the poor,
Which would change medical services directivity,
From the rich monopoly over to with anyone to moor.
The two woman’s plans would ignite a movement,
Start a Society, organisation or group to proclaim,
That the way to live was through love’s enrichment,
Not by class prized, but by living everyday in His name.
So we talked, and the two women promised me silence,
About my failure to keep the stone which sealed the tomb,
If I kept silence about them having a stealing licence,
And about their real physical action of removing the womb.
So that was how the resurrection myth took off, started,
That was how it began, it did come from two parties,
From the Roman soldier representing the state above,
And from Jesus’ kin representing the people’s armies.
I don’t think Christianity would’ve occurred without,
The soldier man Roman guard of the tomb believing,
In Jesus plight and in the right of a movement, shout,
About Jesus, through the religion of Christianity aging.
will it pass this way again?
nobody knows because the community
library
has to many paperbacks and the clouds
to many sins.
will twain swirl in the rain?
will steinbeck hit the deck?
will it pass?
will a folk singer from the north play the
harmonica
piss into a gutter and give some simple
remedy?
Now there is baptist marmalade in the
sun.
Now there is rye bread in the oven,
but in a cafe on main street
there is still.....
black coffee.
white porcelain cups.
thick calloused fingers.
all the regulars gathered there just like
every other day.
an old tv flickers over the counter just off
to the left of a
warped mirror that has labor union and
mason stickers
from the early 90s on it.
Id and ego are in retreat
have not been able to defeat
The bliss seen in the morning sun
A smile seen by everyone
A life without someone here to hold
An emptiness that can't be told
It's faith that keeps your mind in check
Soldiers all believe, hearing "hit the deck"
People will change and grow in life
God always protects your soul from strife
If unconditional love is what you need
Only faith and trust will grow that seed
for "Faith" contest
As we rallied to the Falklands cry,
And prepared ourselves to fight and die,
Some willing, some pressed, some volunteers,
All with deep down hidden fears.
Gangways gone, Hawser sip,
Sail Intrepid, fighting ship!!
Long hard days, sleepless nights
Working hard to get things right.
Ascension passed, Falklands closing
Argentine threat, everyone joking.
D Day troops- we pushed them through,
Still we laughed, so little we knew.
For us the war was still not real,
How could we know just what we'd feel.
Sympathy, hurt, pain and fears,
revulsion, hate, horror and tears
Bombs exploding - war is raging,
Begin to realise what we're facing.
Rockets loud and missiles firing,
Heroes living, heroes dying.
"Hit the deck" we hear the cry,
Please dear God I dont want to die
Air raid over, planes depart,
All quiet, that was just the start.
Weeks go past, countless plans
Intrepid:- Battle hardened veterans
Air raids come and air raids go
British Victory? Hopes they grow,
Ships hit, ships sinking,
People hurt, it gets me thinking,
So much pain and so much sorrow
Christ: it could be me tomorrow
Now at last Port Stanley taken
Argentine hopes, all are broken,
Britain has won, or have we really?
Peace has been paid for, very dearly.
Thousands of lives have been lost,
How can one start to count the cost!
Shortly, back to Britain will be the course,
Set by the victorious:- Task Force!
Into the arms of the waiting newsmen,
To be out on page one to page ten.
But when the publicity has all passed,
As I'm sure you know it cannot last,
Who'll remember the fallen lads,
Who gave their lives for the Falkland Islands.
The distant land no-one recalls,
Except when they bother to take a slight pause.
So take heed Politicians, look back over history,
And forget the Chivalry and the Glory.
They don' exist - lest not in this age,
Or can they in any future war we may wage.
Before you set forth on any crusade you may persue,
Remember the servicemen, you need to back you.
From this Epitaph, let one thing remain,
Don't even let one man have died in Vain!!!!!!
AEM(M)Clifford
20.6.82