Best Funnydaughter Poems
When my daughter was young
She went to a ballet school
The teacher thought it would be fun
To teach some fathers ballet too
She found all of six of us
Who were willing to take her dare
As long as we promised
That at her recital we would be there
She knew it would be humorous
But she wanted the dance steps done just right
So we practiced for six months
In secret late at night
We learned the many positions
We learned leaps and plies, too
But we did draw the line
None of us would wear a pink tutu
On the night of the recital
“Special Guests” is what the program said
“A Performance you won’t want to miss”
Is all the description read
So right after a first grade tap
And before a junior ballet
We flittered across the stage
As music from Swan Lake did play
At first the audience was tepid
Not really interested in a routine
With none of their little ones in it
Until they realized what they had seen
When once again we appeared
In tennis shoes and shorts
Doing plies in third position
Came the snickers and the snorts
We danced our little hearts out
Doing the steps technically precise
While old and young were laughing
At those guys under the lights
We ended our routine
With me doing a split
And stuck in that position
They carried me out for our exit
And now these many years later
My daughter still tells the story
About her ballet recital
When Dad got all the glory
Clean out that garage, said my wife
Cause we're gonna have ourselves a sale
The baseball game had been rained out
So I thought I'd might as well
I found my very first set of golf clubs
I swung them for a minute or two
Then I packed them back up with a price tag
That said $50 bucks you can take 'em with you
I dug a little deeper in a worn out box
When I saw a pair of great big eyes
I grabbed for the bat and took a step back
And I was gonna catch him by surprise
Well to my dismay he didn't even move
He just sat there staring at me
I picked it up and dusted it off
And thought no it couldn't be
When I had killed this possum long ago
It caused my wife to go into labor
On the way to the hospital I saw a taxidermist friend
Who just happened to be my neighbor
The day he died my daughter was born
As all those memories came flooding back
My daughter cried and the poor possum died
When the doctor and me gave a little whack
I felt like a proud daddy all over again
Though my daughter is already grown
I wanted to cry as I looked him in the eye
But then my nose would've need blown
He's not for sale I told my wife
He sits in the back window of my ford
I made me a sign that says you better drive careful
Can't you see there's a possum on board
Way back in a long forgotten swamp
Lived a woman who was feared
But she pretty much stayed to herself
Til some boy went and called her "weird"
That's when all the trouble began
For she ventured out of her shack
We tried to get him to apologize
But he just wouldn't take it back
That old lady was angry
And she was out to get revenge
The hairs stood up on the back of your neck
It even made some people cringe
That old woman was a fearful sight
Some say, she even wore a wig
And her nose looked three feet long
I'm telling you, that sucker was big
Her teeth were as yellow as banana peels
And her eyes were bloodshot red
They even tried to bury her once
Cause they thought the old hag was dead
Anyway, getting back to my story
That boy was getting mighty scared
He said, "Please will somebody help me?"
But there was no on who even dared
For that old lady was looking for a husband
To see her daughter become a bride
There was no place for that little boy to run
And no place for him to hide
Now, that woman's daughter didn't look that bad
And her teeth were as white as a pearl
Her hair was long and flowing like silk
She was just an ordinary girl
That old lady finally caught that boy
And they had that wedding in the fall
Now, I know what you're all thinking
But it wasn't my mother-in-law
Well, I guess the moral of this story
Is never call an old lady "weird"
Even if it's like my mother-in-law
Who really needs to shave her beard
The Gossip
By Elton Camp
At a meeting where my family attend
Comes a woman acting as a friend
“There is something that only I know.
Conscience makes me tell you though.”
To her words I give a suspicious eye
But not because she’d deliberately lie
Paper on windows keeps demons out?
That belief makes her word in doubt
Young as her son is her present mate
Makes me suspect what she may relate
Control of her own life she must learn
If respect for her report she will earn
“Your teenage daughter I saw on a date
With a boy whom I’m sure you’ll hate.
I think you shouldn’t let her do that way
So get her in hand and make her obey.”
What she reported I already knew
Because I had been at the mall too
Away from us daughter didn’t slip
Rather, she was taking a class trip
She walked away from the rest
Up came a boy she does detest
As she was trying to take a walk,
He followed her and tried to talk
The Gossip came along just then
That is how her story did begin
The facts she assumed she knew
Without seeing if they were true
I called my daughter standing near
Her wrath the Gossip should fear
A tongue-lashing I did foresee
“Now tell her what you told me.”