Best Buggers Poems
*Been posting some heavy stuff lately. Time for a bit of levity.
"Hey babe, you're never gonna believe this. Crab fishing in Alaska has been cancelled for 2023."
"I don't understand, dear."
"Well, according to the paper, all the crabs have 'left the building.' It's crabs no mo."
"But where did they go?"
"Ahh, that's the mystery, indeed. Some are blaming sockeye salmon, whatever the flip that is. But I have my own theories."
"Sigh. here we go..."
"Yeah, I figure the little buggers finally figured out that not getting out of the way of the sweeping net is really sucky. Or maybe they all went on strike and decided that ending up on dinner plates was a crappy way to go. Then again, it's possible that alien visitors sampled the tasty crustaceans and transported the lot of them to their home world. Of course, the prevailing conspiracy theory has it that a certain former president with a craving for crab monopolized the fishing industry in Alaska and hoarded them all in ginormous freezers at his Florida resort. All I know is, I'm gonna miss our seafood Sundays. Shrimp and lobster just ain't the same without a complementary pound or two of crab legs. I really believe the end of the world is here."
"Poor, poor baby. By the way, seafood Sunday is on this weekend. I was able to snatch up a few dozen pounds before they all did the Elvis thing."
"Seriously? Kewl. Crab Armageddon will have to wait. Hey, have you noticed the price of beef lately? There goes my Saturday steaks on the grill. I've got some theories on the present crisis..."
"Yes, dear."
Categories:
buggers, humor,
Form:
Narrative
Welcome KMart shoppers blares through the air as a mosh pit of greedy Holiday buggers hurl themselves through the glass and aluminum doors—Obese bodies press (children jammed between white-bread). Trolls in strollers screech in pain and howls of Christ mask laughter. The shopper's feet bombard the glossy, line-oh-lea-ummm floors as the overwrought, over-privileged, truffle sniffers, poke through the hundred and fifty percent marked-up—mark-downs, for things they already own in triplicate.
canned music
jiggle bells the room:
torn wrapping paper
Categories:
buggers, holiday,
Form:
Haibun
Tom Cunningham says its not rash
For Russians to take out their trash
And the longer they wait
The more stink in their fate
But the buggers all want more cash!
Categories:
buggers, political,
Form:
Limerick
Men of Honor in the mist Kokoda 1942......
Men of Honor in the mist,...
Sometimes by a bullet kissed,...
Shoot the buggers they'd insist,...
Threeo plonked, lee enfield .303cal.
Japs dead, not missed....
Men in khaki dyed to green ,..
Kokoda men so bronzed and lean,.
Fought the bloody Jap so mean,...
Die did run till khakki/green....
Move in silence in the green,...
Keep your mouth shut, be unseen,..
Pull off a shot when you are sure,...
Head shot got him, yes one more....
Jonesy shot as we pulled back,..
Found him eaten on the track,..
Kill a Jap for sure today,...
Shoot the buggers make em pay....
Walk with death there every day...
Fix your bayonet, smell of hay?...
Keep your guard up, bayonet parry...
Butt slap drongo Jap, old Harry... Don Johnson
As Don Johnson2/25th Aussie Btn. said of his time on the Kokoda track in 1942, you would
smell the mouldy hay smell when the Jap was close. The dyed green Aussie uniform became 2
colours in the constant rain, green and khaki patches. (did we invent camoflague
uniforms)You heard the rattle as the Jap put a bullet in the barrel of his Arisaka rifle.
After his 5 shots the predictable Jap would come for you to bayonet fight you. So you'd
spike him or plonk him with unit .303.. The Japanese were losing many cargo ships to Yank
Submarines during the war, as payback they put American, British and Aussie prisoners on
board to be sunk to die on their way back empty to Japan....
http://www.scullywag.com/kokoda1942stoush
Categories:
buggers, adventuregreen,
Form:
Rhyme
I accidently let one loose today
I've cooked earth's goose its fair to say
I won't pretend it wasn't me
Soon it'll be clear for all to see.
Who even knew that was a containment field
and an innocent stumble would cause it to yield
its inhabitant singularity
was a well kept secret evidentially.
Til I let it go - chased it thru the door
- hole in one - then thru the floor
Two of the little buggers headed for the roof
they can multiply I have the proof.
Mathematical joy they did perform
Arcing thru cars, pipes, sieving up a storm
flickering jolts of fiery light
following their orbiting trailing delight.
So many now - not long to wonder
til earth's a faulty falling colander.
So, sorry for the whole untidy mess
But I did front up and confess.
Hadron Collider Cleaner
Written 8th July
For Charles Messina Contest
I accidentally let one Loose
Categories:
buggers, humor,
Form:
Rhyme
Going bush
So I suppose if the world explodes
With war and misery
I will go bush,
Atom bombs will push
Me away from the great city
Return to the fiftys lifestyle
Box of matches an a pocketknife
To live off the land
Be home again
Mongst Rabbit n Roo
without strife
Eat old sheep,
a feed for a week
Shrimp bucket will get me some….(pale prawns)
Drop a line in the creek
Yellow belly I seek
Or Codfish you’d only need one……like Groper
When Codfish does strike
He can snap your line tight
And jerk it out of your hand
Big buggers out there
A hundred pound, rare
Yet a hard battle to land
Dreaming of the old riverbank
With the Coolibahs overhead
Old snake stay away
I’m not here to play
Brown Froggy is mine to keep
He’ll catch me a Jew
a Yellow belly too
Codfish will snap all that creeps
So into the coals
near me billy of tea
goes the fish well covered to cook
eat him bit later with sweet potato
then into me swag I’m no sook (wuss)
Don Johnson
Categories:
buggers, adventureme, old, me, old,
Form:
Rhyme
I bet he's up there, his nag astride,
Ferret in sack, terrier by side.
I bet he's up there charming a lass,
Ciggy in gob and mild in glass.
I bet he's up there seeing united win,
Hollering and swearing " get it in".
I bet he's up there happy at last,
No pain no shame no regrets of the past.
I bet he's up there smirking at us,
Ye silly buggers whats all this fuss.
Categories:
buggers, brother, death
Form:
Talk to the Dead
When you talk to the dead,
They give you advice,
Buzz on your finger,
lightly touch once or twice,
I told Trish about dead Joan's Goldfish,
In her fish pond swimming pool,
When a loud voice said this,(to Trish)
They're bloody Koi not Goldfish,
You silly bloody fool,
Trish and Joan looked much alike,
And sounded alike,same voice too,
Same giggle and sense of humour,
Two parts of one soul connection,
Perhaps this is true?
And one nursed the other before her death?
After Sue died in April 2015,
she jumped in my body too,
And I felt as sick as a dying dog,
Till she jumped right out too true,
Later without her deathly illness,
It was ok for her to,
Jump into my body,
Possession is OK blue,
Sometimes a concept arrives in your head,
The impulse to drive a different road Instead,
Check out my old house Suey did say,
When I drove past house had gone away,
The point of her contact a thread,
You must ask a question,
An answer to get,
Cos they need an invite,
Then words you will get,
Though some of the buggers ain't nice.
Don Johnson
Guess I was blest with the seeing,
At 4 me Kero fridge just went Om Om Om,
The shutter in me head clicked open,
And a room full of Greys. Frowned upon,
Boogie man was I a seeing,
Grumpy Greys round my bed stayed too long,
Unfriendly grey men came at night not no friends,
Till I clicked the door shut, no more Greys in the hut,
Yes bugger off Grays don't belong.
Suey and I had long discussions about possession, and she said she wanted to jump inside me. After her death she did as in the top above poem.
A day before she died in my arms, we were joking about my Granny not paying back a loan . Sue spoke sternly to Grandma and I saw her face above my bed
Grandma was crying and begged my forgiveness, of course I forgave her.
Insight to the other side.
I asked Sue how old she was now,
She said I'm 10 and am confronting child molesting Grandpa
Also confronting her Father for doing nothing about it.
Seems you get to bring justice on the other side of the veil,
And possibly decide the punishment when baby's are Constantly reborn in the Earth, just doing your time, in little Hell Earth.
The time and the place what your worth,
Categories:
buggers, adventure,
Form:
Ballad
To get the multi-dudes to march as one,
to raise humanitys' flag, yet some,
don't think it cant' be done,
cos Facebook reaches all,
computers phones the thrall,
6 billion will agree,
buggers like you n me,
Equality is fun....Don
Categories:
buggers, adventure,
Form:
Ballad
A kaleidoscope of butterflies
passed right before my dilated eyes,
so while the colors blurred by
grabbing at them I did try...
fast little buggers to my surprise!
Categories:
buggers, butterfly, humor,
Form:
Limerick
Uh grasshopper I hate what you do
My lawn you sit and you chew
My spray called zits
It kills bloody knits
With my slipper I whip your ass to Timbuktu
Categories:
buggers, funny
Form:
Limerick
Every man, woman and child really admires
\The men and women fighting the bushfires
Some deliberately lit, the worst of all sins
The fires roar fiercely in the strong winds
Hundreds of square miles have burnt to the ground
Poor people watching their houses burning down
Just to see it on television is a terrible shock
Gone are farms, houses, buildings and stock
Feel sorry for these people, nothing at all left
Over sixty poor buggers have burnt to death
For weeks us Aussies have suffered dreadful weather
Stinkin' bushfires will bring people closer together
Loosing everything you own must be incredibly rough
The country people will survive, they are terribly tough
Why would anyone want to cause so much pain?
Bastards who lit these fires have no bloody brains
Bushfires are terrible, what an awful way to die
Not much we can do really, but to wonder why
Burnt out cars with poor buggers stuck inside
Couldn't beat the flames, had nowhere to hide
Everyone will be praying, of that there`s no doubt
Hopefully soon, all them damn fires will be out
As I write this, even worse than I`d feared
Whole Victorian towns have simply disappeared
With the winds howling the fires move faster
How can the lord let this happen, a natural disaster?
Mother Nature has dealt out one hell of a hand
Fires in two states and floods in Queensland
Only thing I can offer, not much that is true
To all you poor buggers, my thoughts are with you
I can`t remember anything worse in all my years
Nobody will look, without shedding some tears
Not much we can do to help ease the pain
Guess I`ll pray to God, send down some rain
I think tonight, everyone will be saying their prayers
Hoping the fires are out, that none of them flares
Categories:
buggers, depression, evil, fire, life,
Form:
Rhyme
Cat's are not my favourite animal for reasons I shall tell
I don't like how they look or how they actually smell
And they kill all the beautiful birds that I love to watch fly by
They defecate in my herb garden that just makes everything die
Then they bring them dead birds into the house as a loving gift
And they don't care if it's a Pidgeon, Blackbird, Robin or a swift
Evil little buggers!
They cost a fortune in tinned and packet food
They rub their bottom in your face which I think is rather rude
And sticking their claws in your legs puffing you up like a cushion
And the sudden pain makes you kick out like a dancing Russian
Yeah, Cat's are not my favourite animal for many a reason
They're so selfish and unloyal they should be tried for treason!
14/9/2016
Categories:
buggers, cat, funny, nature,
Form:
Rhyme
Some cat entered my room one night
I thought it was a ghost
It smelled like something had just died
But I must oblige my guest as the host
I turned on the light and there it was
An obnoxious opossum at best!
Whoa! Forget my host duties, cous!
Take the room—I’m an unhappy guest!
I left the house with a shutter
Before I realized I was heavily surrounded
By cats on all sides, up and under
The house they had all just rounded!
In truth I was perturbed on all levels
That I began to realize in horror
That damn opossum had spawned these little devils!
And tonight I must end this terror!
I then ran straight to the kitchen
Aware of the opossum inside
If I give up the tuna and ditch um’
Perhaps I’ll escape this night alive
The persistent cats scratched at the holes
Those buggers—those meddlers!
They could have been thieves—if not trolls!
Their yowls would scare sumo wrestlers!
Worst of all in this dilemma
Tomorrow was grocery day
There were no more cans of tuna
All my fish had swam away!
Somehow one got in
And the rest came barreling through
I ran toward my room to him
The opossum looked so distressed and blue
The little beady eyes pierced my soul
And I knew from then on he was my friend
He only meant to hide from the furry little trolls
And escape a most pitiful end!
I made up my mind at last
And picked up my trusty broom
Come on in—I dare yah tah pass!
Ain’t no feline coming through this room!
Glowing eyes burned with intent
And the yowling grew loud as hell
The little bullies think they can take my guest!
They’ll fly like birds they will!
That night was a battle like none other
A battle I will proudly say I won
I gained the friend of my life—a brother
My pet’s a load of fun!
As much as I love a neighbor cat
They are a little scary as a race
Thankfully a broom will push them back
And put them in their place
My opossum is a sweet little thing
And I protect him with my life
I’ll never judge a critter again
Till actions bring it to light
Categories:
buggers, adventure, animal, bullying, cat,
Form:
Quatrain
I am sick and tired of these shoes
He kicks something, I always get a bruise
The buggers are tight
And they keep me outta sight
I'll trip him up the next time his out on the booze
Categories:
buggers, funny
Form:
Limerick