Best Boaster Poems
A braggart for sure
The top best at everything
Amazing stories
A hit at a few parties
Until we could not stand him.
He always loved the roller coaster, the Triple Loop
Rode it seventy times and never puked
Hands in the air going down hills
He never tired of upside down thrills
He was a vet of the roller coaster
Not a newbie, or rookie, but a bona fide boaster
So proud he was, so sure of the ride
That he paid no attention to the signs on the side -
The ones that tell you to never stand up -
Well he did, and paid the price soon enough
He was decapitated within a second or two
His head flew like a ball, into the blue!
Screams of fun turned to screams of terror
As everyone realized the rider’s grave error
Blood spattered shirts, hair, and faces
Came in with his body, slumped in its place
The M.E. called it, “accidental suicide” -
Citing it as the ride of his life
And unfortunately, the ride of his death
But at least he died happy, shouting “Wheeee”, with his last breath
11/27/11
for "die a fun death" contest
BOASTER RAP
Sometimes the guys used to sit around chugging bird-beer
Boasting of chicks they’d held dear.
Some British guy started in... Well, I was going out with some nice birds
We said - Oh man, don’t use those British words!
Listen, there was this chick once, lemme tell ya the tale.
She liked to chatter all day and flirt
But man she was one piece of tail
Her name was Robin - always wore a sexy red tee shirt,
And hey, I knew this Rhode Island who was always looking for a roll in the hay
Claimed she was a-looking for her eggs.... oh yeah
Well Man, birds of feather flock together ( Shocking ! )
We sure did a lot of flocking
Till she flew the coop with some guy, some pal
Who was a helluva snappy dresser - always kinda formal
Evening dress coats - used to swim in cold water a lot you know?
Crazy swimming dude, liked winter, ice and snow
She was forever trying to get me to build a nest
I said no way baby and strutted my colourful stuff – the finest.
Shucks, it wasn’t gonna be permanent, but I could wing it with her
Then go south, take a powder, disappear
For a while, you know - bit of diving and soaring -
And maybe sometimes scoring
British guy came back with this comment, like I never heard
Oh really? Well I have had a Rough-faced Shag
And a Northern Screamer and a Wagtail who really knew how to wag.
But now I concentrate on only one bird, my T-bird.
These Brits always try to over-awe.
You know, that really sticks in my craw
I am magical, I said. I can control her.
You cannot!
Yes, I can, and I do.
You do not!
My eight-year-old twin is angry now, with a mean face.
I do not back down. Want to see?
How?
What do you want me to make her do?
Make her come down those stairs.
During Jeopardy?
I am backing up now.
Our mother loves Jeopardy, it is the only TV show she believes in.
I cannot control her during Jeopardy.
I wrack my brain
and it quickly comes up with a plan.
I smack her favorite blue glass vase off the top of the TV set.
There is a loud cracking sound.
My sister’s face turns into a horror movie.
She runs off, screaming “MAWWWWWWMMMMMMMM!”
Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.
See? I think stupidly.
I am magical!
Impulsivity is my middle name.
An Old Roster Needed a Booster
had been boaster
about booster of a booster
for an old roster
from head to his tail
while whiling away a whale
behind left big trail
why did his behind
have left big trail or maybe
big trail left behind
went out on a lamb
when I had heard that Instagram
sure was such a sham
much food on platter
caused me to become fatter
record did shatter
there once was a dunce
liked making punts and pulling stunts
would do only once