Narrative Humorous Poems | Narrative Poems About Humorous

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Chopped III - Humor

i narrate me own story in a fake english accent. the bloody typewriter is 
broken, it can't capitalize. i'm out of coins for the heater. i can see me own 
breath. it must be really bad . it's summer here in london. i'm a tough guy who 
carries a gun. don't mean i don't want to look good. i freshen up my lipstick,
light up a cigarette and offer one to my secretary. she is hot really hot.
like i said it's summer. she don't wear lipstick it wouldn't help. in the 
encyclopedia under the word butch is her picture. 

i put out my cig in an ashtray overflowin. i'd tell her to empty it but she scares me. 
she only wears one gold earring. who does that? i'm workin on a case, already 
drank half the beers. by the way i'm a dick a private dick. the name is rock,
rock hard. there's a knock at the door. this could be bad she has two fourty fives, 
she's also got a gun. 

she's holding an airline ticket. no reason. she says she just likes it. 
whatever! maybe it has to do with some kind of contest. 
she says we're going for a ride. we are driving when she gets a flat.

i pump she pumps then we get out  of the car and fix the flat. never liked 
cars, horses are more convenient. less breakdowns. she takes us to a 
party everyone is jumpin for joy, so joy gets up and leaves. bet you wish 
this was going somewhere. it's not. like i said i'm a dick.

Contest: Chopped III
Sponsor: craig cornish

Copyright © Maurice Yvonne | Year Posted 2014

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The Stoned Pen - Humor

I feel privileged. I have been chosen by the Government as part of a group testing something called Edible Clinical Marijuana. Honestly I half expected it to look like a Burrito because the name sounds sort of Mexican. It actually looks more like a brownie. I’m am about to take a bite so hold on. Yum, tasty! So here is the point I am suppose to consume one half of a brownie then fill out this sheet giving them my feedback. Hold on I am going to have a few more bites. Okay, no wait, milk would go great with these babies. I’ll be back. (after a long while) OK, sew sorry I was gonna while I was staring inside my fridge\ for a while' tying to remember I think I wanted a glass of ink% aktiually I’m dinking from the bodle@ I am eating my forth brownie as I was instructured to do; Did they say four or? ate cause these. are tasty And/ aaaahhhhhhh,, tasty^ tayysstee^ hahahahahahahahaha"" a program on my compuwhatyoucallit keeps underlyning my words with read squiggles= hahahahahahahahaha but it diidn’t underline squiggle# hahahahahahahahaha wel dats stoopid squiggle isa perfect lee good underlying word* stoopid Bill Gated^ hahahahahahaha?haha sorry I ment Will Gated~ so watt was I saying ] oh yeah+ fill the sheet) hahahahahahahahaha I don wanna sheet, tha is gaross[ heeres a pen quesshun= Sex easy! ansir; yes- please) hahahahahahahahaha ?why m i bein so polite hahahahahahahahaha queshun! oh wow Blues Brothers on my TV what was I spose? to do oh yeah watch tv why am i so angry hahahahahah++ hahahahahahahahaha i mean hungary haahahahahah h u n g r y dere hungry> hey look brownies? those look good hahahahahahahahaha i con't tipe with mai mouth full dats rood/rood i'll get bak too dis later.. sew as they say hahahahahahahahaha two bee contitnude< hay lookk browniies Mo Rice Why Vone 144~13~20/20 Sponsor: Carol Eastman Contest: Humor

Copyright © Maurice Yvonne | Year Posted 2014

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Well guys I’m going to tell you a secret
You don’t really know me
I have not been honest 
I am not who I say I am
Yesterday I discovered the real me…
I’m a ninja – yes honestly I’m a ninja
I have proof from
Ninja Salol …………………….…..Jan Allison

So I thought I’d have fun with a few names here
Hope no one is offended.. but they are quite amusing!

Casual Pull …………………...... …… Paul Callus 
Diarrhetic Ande ….…………….Andrea Dietrich
Archaean Cans …………… …….Casarah Nance 
Ard Man ………………………….......……. Armand 
Hmm is Tit  ……………………....…….Tim Smith 
Savour Hart ……………………...…. Arthur Vaso 
ill can Jokes ……………………....….Jack Ellison 
Hencoop Arse ………….….….…..Shane Cooper
Horny Rash Ram ……….………Harry Horsman
Lycra Nim ………………….…......……. Lyric Man
Go Mercurial Ire …………….….Maurice Rigoler
Peer over………………………......….….Eve Roper
Ramshackle Cure……………. Earl Schumacker
Salutes Sir…………………………....….Lei Strauss
Mercy Tis So ………….……....………Mystic Rose
Can Hear Microchip………Charmaine Chircop
Upgrade Gent…………………….….Peter Duggan
Warrants Done……………..….. Darren Watson
Sit Leprechaun................... Paul Schneiter

9th February 2015

Copyright © JAN ALLISON | Year Posted 2015

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Adults Only A Sexy Write Just To Make Jan Laugh

I am dating a young woman and we are deeply in love. However, no matter what I do sexually, she never achieves orgasm so we decided to ask a sex therapist for advice. The therapist listened to our story and suggested the following; 

"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm." 

We went home and followed the therapist's advice. We hired a handsome young man and he stripped off and enthusiastically waved a towel over us both as we made love. But it didn't help and still my lover was unsatisfied and frustrated. 

Perplexed, we went back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." 

Once again, we followed the advice. The young man got into bed with my lover and I waved the towel. The young man really worked with great enthusiasm and my lover soon had an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, orgasm. 

Smiling, I dropped the towel, tapped the young man on the shoulder and said to him triumphantly...."NOW THAT'S how you wave a towel, son!!"

03~12~2014 dadickerector

Copyright © Maurice Yvonne | Year Posted 2014

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Whatever, Whatever, Whatever

Whatever turns your crank Whatever tickles your pickle Whatever dunks your donut Whatever waxes your dolphin Whatever buffs your Buddha Whatever pops your cork Whatever pets your monkey Whatever frosts your cookies Whatever spills your pills Whatever trips your trigger Whatever humps your camel Whatever melts your chocolate Whatever peels your onion Whatever chafes your carrot Whatever flops your mop Whatever rocks your socks Whatever teeters your totter Whatever milks your goat Whatever pings your pong Whatever peels your banana Whatever blows your nozzle Whatever tips your canoe Whatever flicks your switch Whatever zips your zipper Whatever blows your stack Whatever... whatever... whatever! © Jack Ellison 2014

Copyright © Jack Ellison | Year Posted 2014

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I Cannot Tell A Lie

Men's minds are devious at the best of times Also twisting their stories I should know, I'm one of dem der guys Pretty sure I'm no different than 98% of my fellow males It's inbred into our psyche and of this I'm sure We're really damn proud of it However I'm a straight shooter At the expense of my fellow males, I apologize Hate blowing the whistle on youse guys But I can't help it... as Georgie once said "I cannot tell a lie" Everything and I mean EVERYTHING That comes out of my mouth Is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth So help... Z-Z-Z-A-A-A-A-A-P-! © Jack Ellison 2014

Copyright © Jack Ellison | Year Posted 2014

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I read Darryl Ashton’s poem Called Pinocchio Rex and this brought back 
memories of a childhood incident

When I grew up we had a smallholding – the house was called ‘Longacre’ as we 
had over an acre of land.  Over the years we had chickens, pigs named Pinky 
and Porky and a goat called Susie… she had kids called Billy and Nanny – guess 
I was no good at names back then… but I digress
Attached to the house was a small village shop but my parents also made a 
small income from selling fresh eggs and in the summer home grown 
strawberries – I would help pick washing baskets of them and bag them up to 
Every week a little old man would arrive for his dozen eggs and if the shop was 
shut he would ring the doorbell. He wore a pointed felt hat, had steely blue 
eyes and the most enormous nose you have ever seen. Unbeknownst to him 
my parents nicknamed him 'Pinocchio'.
When I was aged about 7 years old the doorbell rang – mum was busy baking 
in the kitchen so I answered it. There in front of me stood this old man wanting 
his eggs. Mum shouted from the kitchen
‘Who is it Janet?’ 
I replied ‘Oh its only Pinocchio’ 
At once mum appeared from the kitchen, her face was the colour of beetroot. 
She apologised for the comment from her ‘cheeky daughter’ The man 
purchased his eggs and walked away – never to return!
The moral of this true tale is that parents ALWAYS tell the truth and that 
children have ears the size of an elephant and a mouth just as big … so if you 
don’t want them to repeat something YOU have said keep it zipped!

Jan Allison
11th August 2014

Copyright © JAN ALLISON | Year Posted 2014

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This One Is Just For Fun - Enjoy

A woman walks into a coffee shop, sits at the counter. Right next to her is a gentleman reading his newspaper. His face buried in his daily without looking he reaches out takes one finger from her Kit Kat bar. She can't believe what she just saw. Clearly angry she rustles the foil on her bar as she herself takes a finger to eat. A few seconds past Once again the gentleman takes another finger of the now infamous chocolate bar. Now the woman is furious she grabs his Newspaper out of his hands throws it on the counter. She then grabs a piece of his doughnut dunks it in his coffee eats it and walks out. The man is clearly in shock and confused but says nothing. He orders another donut and coffee returns to reading his paper. Meanwhile the woman heads to and gets to her car. She opens the car Now you can see it all on her face redder than a Kit Kat wrapper. Sitting in plain view on the passenger seat quiet and unassuming is her Kit Kat Chocolate bar. Poor man and he was so polite about it all.
Maurice Yvonne 19~10~2014 This write is inspired from an idea I recently had for a Kit Kat commercial. You will never see it in a poetry book but hopefully you enjoyed it. Maurice Yvonne 19~10~2014

Copyright © Maurice Yvonne | Year Posted 2014

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The Jester Jack Hour

Hey everyone... do you know what time it is!!! It's time for The Jester Jack Comedy Hour Brought to you by "Hair Today... Gone Tomorrow!" The makers of fine electric shavers Now I know what you're thinking, I have a beard Why would I need an electric shaver Well, I have very hairy arms and legs A massive hairy chest and arm holes As well as very bushy eyebrows and ear holes! Now on to the show... have you heard this one What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? Give up???... A STICK! Got a million of 'em Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana Dum de um dum! More? Okay... Do not argue with an idiot... he will drag you down to his level Then beat you with experience! Here's another... graveyard workers really dig their jobs A real groaner! Da de da de da da... da de da de da da Well that's all the time we have folks! So be sure to tune in next time To The Jester Jack Comedy Hour! © Jack Ellison 2014

Copyright © Jack Ellison | Year Posted 2014

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Dave made a comment about his cowboy boots so I simply had to weave this joke into a little narrative

An elderly couple moved to Texas and the old man had always wanted some cowboy boots
Guess he dreamed of being a cowboy and getting involved in shootouts
So he buys the boots and walks into the kitchen wearing them like a prize
He asks his wife if she notices anything different but she says nothing
He gets a bit annoyed, goes off and strips naked except for the boots
‘Notice anything different now?’ he says to his wife
She looks down at him and says…
‘What’s different – its hanging down today.. it was hanging down yesterday and it will be again tomorrow’.
Well he’s not too happy and says ’and do you know why it’s hanging down?’
‘No’ she says
‘It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new cowboy boots’
She doesn’t change her expression and replies
‘Shoulda bought a hat dear, you shoulda bought a hat’

Hope it raises a smile!

Jan Allison
18th August 2014

Copyright © JAN ALLISON | Year Posted 2014

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Theory of Greenness

"What do we have for breakfast?"
"Lettuce and cabbage juice!" she
replies excitedly.
She had forced him to change
his blue pajamas to green
pajamas, then he returns
to bed -
the bed had to have green sheets,
green bed cover, and a green
"Why do you do this to me?!" he asks.
"I was born in St. Patrick's Day!!!"
she replies.
He can't wait for a green light
to escape a world where
everything he hates is green.
He's afraid he's lost her love in the greenness....

Copyright © Teddy Kimathi | Year Posted 2016

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My Shortcomings

I stood there, ...slowly... I removed my clothes... you could tell that my date who was  about to see me naked for the first time  was...was...well...EXCITED! I was worried she would slide off her seat. shirt? gone! sexy... pants? gone! sexy... one piece long underwear? an obvious crowd pleaser I did not time it but it was a long time for her to get over her joy. at one point I think she stopped breathing she was definitely moved there were tears in her eyes I believe her hysteria was a nervous laugh she was laughing hard. long underwear? gone! finally naked I stood there exposed the look on her face  was not good, I am sure I could hear, a song blaring loudly in her mind "Is that all there is, is that all there is..." My shortcomings are overwhelming, I was embarrassed  I was angry I wanted to be mature about the situation, immediately, instantly, I stuck my tongue out at her, my twelve inch tongue, I think she noticed I could breathe through my ears her face lit up  once again she fell off her seat My shortcomings are overwhelming, both naked I started pleasing her she yells  "there is a God!" However my strengths are defeating them. that's it, Ok  you can leave now, Goodbye excuse me this next part is private, LEAVE!
17~10~2014 I am entering this write in the contest. When I saw the title of the contest this came to mind. I thought humor being my greatest strenght I would write this in an attempt to overcome my deppression thank you for the oppurtunity Verena. Laughter is the best medicine...unless your a diabetic... ....and then insulin...insulin is the best medicine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Copyright © Maurice Yvonne | Year Posted 2014

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Misinterpretation regarding the Print

"Be careful about reading health
books. Some fine day you'll
die of a misprint"

- Markus Herz.

I had a particular problem;
fear of falling. Desperation

drove me to a library,
and found a book talking about

a cure. It read

"cure for falling......" with some
words missing. I blended
together some herbs written in the book,

which produced a concoction whose

color hadn't been given a name
in the dictionary.

I took the drink and slept.

The following morning I woke up;
dizzy. I felt like a balloon
in space. I was afraid of falling
from my bed. Doubting the cure,

I went through the book in the Internet.
My foot! 
It was a re-published version of an 18th century
spell book, 
which advised on the cure of fear

of falling in love!

I didn't have a shaman's advise on taking
the  nasty drink.

I wish I went through the book my counselor
gave me,

rather than healing myself in a cheap,
costly way....

Contest Finalized: 28/4/2016

Publishing Date: 12/4/2016

Copyright © Teddy Kimathi | Year Posted 2016

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A tale of Death:

This aspect is succinctly told by, W.Somerset Maugham from an Arab tale:

The speaker is Death:

There was a merchant in Baghdad who sent his servant to market to buy provisions and in a little while the servant came back, white and trembling, and said, "Master, just now when I was in the market-place I was jostled by a woman in the crowd and when I turned I saw Death had jostled me. She looked at me and made a threatening gesture; now, lend me your horse, and I will ride away from this city and avoid my fate. I will go to Samarra and there Death will not find me". The merchant lent him his horse, and the servant mounted it, and he dug his spurs in its flanks and as fast as the horse could gallop he went. Then the merchant went down to the market-place and he saw me standing in the crowd and he came to me and said, "Why did you make a threatening gesture to my servant when you saw him this morning?" "That was not a threatening gesture," I said, "It was only a state of surprise. I was astonished to see him in Baghdad, for I had an appointment with him tonight in Samarra".

(A far older version forms part of the Babylonian Talmud)

Copyright © White Wolf | Year Posted 2016

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Under the microscope we are under watched by a near by species

For some reason they think we are a life form that takes it to easy

Over the years we were abducted; that was a mistake the aliens became uneasy

Unique in several ways we are human and that they see we are strange

Fooling them we act very hostile yet our mindset needs be rearrange

Opening our minds they started to look, but our minds seems to weird and derange

Upset, the aliens take our species to try to understand

Freaks of nature we seem to gather with costumes and sounds of band

Old as time they been coming to our planet and this is what they found, like us, land

Unrelenting we humans seem to focus on a different path

Feelings we have the aliens do not understand what we have

Odd we are, we are the only species in the galaxy that really know how to have a bath

Unrealizable that we do adore the stars and lights in the sky

From all our studies we look up and see the lights that make our world, we cry

Only now we reason with the aliens we are fools in our world and we sigh  

Copyright © Reynaldo Mast | Year Posted 2013

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Adult Content - Your Tuesday Laugh

Tom Price phones up John Ely. 

"I hear you sell some of the best horses in the county 

I'm sending out my best guy if he likes the goods 
we're buying one of your horses. 

My guy is a midget with a speech impediment just to give you the heads up" 
he concluded and hung up the phone.

The stud groom waited until the midget knocked on the door.

"Hello, I've come to check out your hortheth", said the midget.

"Sure, do you want a male horse or a female horse ?" asked the stud groom.

"A female horth, pleath" said the midget, so off they went to look at the horses. One lovely well bred filly caught the midgets eye.

"Can I check her ears pleath ?" said the midget - so the stud groom lifted up the midget to check the horses ears, then put him back down.

"Nith ears.......... now can I look at her eyth, pleath ?" - once again the stud groom lifted up the midget to check the horses eyes, then put im 
down again.

"Nith eyth ............ now I'd like to thee her twat pleath"

The stud groom was shocked and a bit offended, so he lifted up the midget and shoved him 
head first into the rear area of the horse and put him back down again.

The midget coughed and spluttered, and then said....................

"Perhapth I should rephwase that...... can I see her wun awound a widdle bit ?"


Copyright © Maurice Yvonne | Year Posted 2014

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I Ain't Going Nowhere

Well I think it's about time once again To thank all my friends here on the Soup To let you all know how much you mean to this old duffer For brightening up each and every one of my days At this late stage in a very happy life With your oh so kind, uplifting and encouraging words Especially from all you dear sweet ladies You continue to curl my toes and zip my zipper Youse guys are appreciated too but sorry You don't curl my toes OR zip my zipper But you DO pop my buttons when I get a thumbs up I've often thought, what would my life be like If I was to call it quits... WHAT!!! And leave all my sweet sweet lovable friends NOT A FREAKING CHANCE! You're stuck with me for the duration 1. Till I cash in my chips 2. Till my body assumes room temperature 3. Till I bite the bullet 4. Till I buy the farm 5. Till I climb over that last ridge 6. Till I'm food for the worms 7. Till I take a dirt nap 8. Till I take the last train to Memphis 9. Till my Internet crashes 10. Till I go “tits up” So are you picking up what I'm putting down? I AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE! © Jack Ellison 2014

Copyright © Jack Ellison | Year Posted 2014

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A Cow With A Green Eyebrow

Did you ever see a cow with a green eyebrow If you did, you'd best lay off the hooch Hooch in moderation is acceptable But if you see a pink elephant fly by your window You have definitely over indulged Another sign is when the things you say Don't exactly match what you're thinking Such as instead of saying, “You have nice boobs” You actually say “bice noobs” Has a nice ring to it as does “a great sackbide” Hey I don't make this stuff up you know! So getting back to that strange looking cow If you haven't been drinking... and you see one Run, don't walk, to the nearest shrink! © Jack Ellison 2015

Copyright © Jack Ellison | Year Posted 2015

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Is Fart A Naughty Word

Is the word “fart” a naughty word Hope not... I find it cute and giggly But don't go by me, my mind is a little warped Words are just words with letters strung together Strange how any mention of our private parts Should never be said in public “Uvula” sounds really naughty But the dictionary describes it as “a fleshy extension at the back of the soft palate That hangs above the throat” Now if that doesn't sound naughty, I'll eat my shorts! Here's an old English expression... “bollocks” Of German origin... related to BALL And how about “tit” Again the old dictionary says “refers to a small New Zealand bird called a “tit” How can just three innocent letters strung together Cause little old ladies to titter! Last but not least we have “dong” Sounds like a gong as in a bell So I guess that's where the old expression comes from “I sure rang his bell! In closing, I'd like to say this I had a freaking good time writing this one But we all know what “freaking” is It's a sort of polite way of saying The granddaddy of all swear words Just seven letters starting with an “f” It's “farting” of course, what were YOU thinking? © Jack Ellison 2014

Copyright © Jack Ellison | Year Posted 2014

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Wish I Was A Family Pet

I wish I was a family pet Whose only needs are to be fed And to unceremoniously Relieve themselves in the park I would of course be more discreet Now about licking myself In an effort to keep clean Hmmm might draw the line there Simply because I may injure myself Trying to reach hard to get at regions I guess I would prefer to be a dog Cats are certainly more sophisticated But full of their own importance When most dog species Are loveable and bowl you over with love Hmmm now that I think about it Apart from not having to wear a collar Perhaps I'd rather remain a human © Jack Ellison 2015

Copyright © Jack Ellison | Year Posted 2015

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Old Teddy

Teddy was our mongrel dog who kept coming back to stay,
When my parents gave him up because we had to move away.
Three times my father took him back to live at his new home,
But we'd find him on our doorstep when he got the urge to roam.

Then my father heard the dog was being treated rather bad,
Which made my sister and myself more than a little sad.
And the next time Teddy sat and begged, in front of our back door,
My father then determined he'd be going home no more.

So Teddy moved back in with us and now lived three flights up.
And running free came easy for this mongrel, collie pup.
With not a thing to tie him down, he roamed both to and fro.
The way dogs were allowed to roam, near seventy years ago.

Some dogs back then lived lives of sin and Teddy fit the bill.
He chased the cars and chased the girls and both with equal skill.
But the thing that bothered most of all, was Teddy on the street.      
To see him chase a car would cause one's heart to skip some beats.

He'd never chase one from behind, but up front, near the wheel.
Then wrap his head around the tire: I'd feel my blood congeal.
And I would cover up my face, besot with fear and dread,
Just knowing when I looked again, our Teddy would be dead.

But never did this happen; that old scamp would beat the odds.
A gimpy leg now, here and there . . old Teddy had his gods.
Yes, dogs chased cars, it is a fact, in an earlier place and time.
Some did it good, some did it bad, but Teddy made it rhyme.

There came a day things did go wrong and Teddy got a smack.
I saw the proof on our front porch, where poor old Teddy sat.
Right then and there, from what I viewed, the dog had lost a race,
When I saw that his left eyeball, was now hanging down his face.

My sister knelt there with him, a fresh sandwich shoved aside.
She pushed the eyeball back in place, while I stood there and cried.
His eye stayed in and Teddy lived for a few more years to come:
Chasing cars and tramping round; a total canine bum.

And when his time began to wane and father threatened death;
My sister then decided she'd determine his last breath.
She walked him up some rail road tracks to the outskirts of our town.
With a twenty two long she shot him dead and left him in the ground.

That night she faced our father with the truth of what she'd done.
And said "you'd not kill my old friend . . to me he was someone."
So now his days were ended and he'd trod all he would trod,
With no complaints from him or us; he'd beat most all the odds.

© 2015 Diane Lefebvre

Copyright © Diane Lefebvre | Year Posted 2015

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Gum And A Mint From Your Pocket

The thought of meeting the love of your life Can cause you to lose your cool Stumbling over words and fidgeting about Just like a boy out of school It's a common reaction, it happens all over We're all just following the rules That surely were laid down many years ago But it's still not kosher to drool You open her door and bash her poor head Embarrassed, you apologize profusely You offer her gum and a mint from your pocket And tell her she's a sweet li'l floozie She looks at you strangely for that response You barrel forth not blinking an eye Just wanting to impress this gorgeous young lady It gets worse the more that you try In spite of the blunders and embarrassing stuff Somehow she thinks it's all cute The more you stumble and trip on your words She loves you, you big galoot To cut it short, she's my gorgeous bride Although many long years have now passed A lot of water's flowed under the bridge But she's still got a fabulous ass!!! © Jack Ellison 2015

Copyright © Jack Ellison | Year Posted 2015

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The Ice Fairy Princess

Winter is about to hit full force It is inevitable but each year, us Canadian dudes Wish for it to be milder and less snowy than usual Can't stop us from begging the Ice Fairy Princess In her infinite wisdom and grace and beauty For just this one time to spare us poor citizens Of the True North Strong and Free A phrase that's part of our National Anthem They say we're a hardy bunch but as we age It gets tougher and tougher and tougher Okay... why don't I try this Dear Ice Fairy Princess, if I promise To be a good and honurable citizen For the whole of 2015 Could you please, please, send us an extra mild winter With just the occasional light snowfall In return, I promise to never call you that bad name again Yours truly, Jack xxx © Jack Ellison 2015

Copyright © Jack Ellison | Year Posted 2015

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If Kisses Were Units Of Currency

Had a crazy dream last night Dreamt I was living in a world Where kisses were units of currency First thing I thought of Was that cute li'l cashier at Walmart To pay for a $50 item Would require 50 kisses plus the federal tax Bringing the total to 60 smooches I would start shopping for all kinds of stuff That I didn't actually need I'd even buy ladies lingerie like bras and knickers And give them away to friends and neighbours! In all likelihood I'd go broke But man, would I be a happy camper Going to bed now to hopefully pick up Where I left off... © Jack Ellison 2015

Copyright © Jack Ellison | Year Posted 2015

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Cantaloupes Can't Elope

I've heard that cantaloupes can't elope It's against their moral code And rhubarbs are NOT allowed to argue I've heard that people sometimes turnip and pea Not a very classy bunch I must say! When you give somebody a raspberry it's very rude Had another good one but it got squashed Gourd won't let me make fun of his name Grapes are not allowed to gripe Bet you're not wild about figs... that figures If you take a leek in a supermarket Security will beet you on the melon When the cashier picks up that yellow fruit It's okay to say, “that's a nice pear you have there” If you give a horseradish, they'll spit it back at you I don't see what they've got to grape about Okay that one was kinda corny Cauliflowers are pretty in the spring Lettuce entertain you © Jack Ellison 2014

Copyright © Jack Ellison | Year Posted 2014

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Grin And Bare It

Sometimes life can get a little rough “Grin And Bear It” Or should that be “Grin and BARE It” Sounds like good advice Grinning and baring it can be a whole lot more fun But make sure your friends have all gone home And the kiddies are tucked away in their beds fast asleep Before you and your mate start prancing around in the nude Doing and saying all those naughty things Like, “nice melons you have there my dear” This starts the whole proceedings She responds with, “nice frontal protrusion!” Immediately, the fun begins and the house starts rockin' All because you, “Grinned And Bared it!” © Jack Ellison 2014

Copyright © Jack Ellison | Year Posted 2014

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Why Can't I Be The Real Me

Why can't I be the real me Instead of putting on airs to impress If I really didn't care what people thought I could go to the mall in a dress Right away I'd be labeled as kinda unusual To say the least I'd be mocked Teenagers would all point and chuckle at me Oldsters would be totally shocked Imagine as well if I dyed my hair green With lipstick a dark shade of pink Not saying I'd ever resort to such nonsense But it sure would make people blink To shock everyone with bizarre behaviour To act like you've gone a bit looney Imagine the reaction of these real snotty folks Might think they're filming a movie There are certainly limits for our behaviour We can't go naked in the streets Coz at times when a shapely woman walks by Oops... this line I had to delete! © Jack Ellison 2015

Copyright © Jack Ellison | Year Posted 2015

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Inanimate Objects

Have you ever had this happen to you? You're walking along, minding your business When a pole leaps out in front of you Rattles your brain leaving you senseless Inanimate objects aren't so inanimate It seems they have a mind of their own You're strolling along when a boulder appears Stub your toe and it hurts to the bone Sometimes when your patio doors are clean It's just like there's no glass at all With a confident stride, you slam into them Smash your nose and you try not to bawl You're running for a bus and then it happens You slip on a discarded banana peel You wind up with your bum high in the air Doing amazing acrobatic cartwheels You wonder how these inanimate objects Seem to know when it's right to attack It happens when you surely least expect it And your wheels come right off the track! © Jack Ellison 2014

Copyright © Jack Ellison | Year Posted 2014

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The Upsies And Downsies

Life is full of “upsies” and “downsies” When your “upsies” outnumber your “downsies” You'll know coz you'll go around singing all day If the reverse is true, you'll bite your neighbour's dog Also best to hide all the knives Lock your medicine cabinet filled with pills And throw the key down the sewer You can't be held criminally responsible For setting fires in the mall Or running nekkid through the streets Yelling, “I want my Mommy” So here's wishing your “upsies” are winning the battle It's actually been a while since I did that So they say there's still hope for me! © Jack Ellison 2015

Copyright © Jack Ellison | Year Posted 2015

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What Is Normal

A bit of tongue in cheek as usual! What is normal Normal is in the eye of the beholder Someone walking down the street devoid of clothes Is definitely not considered normal But who sets the standards Who was the first to say we must cover up That dangly thing down below What makes it so offensive Why does the sight of it make us uncomfortable If nakedness was all we knew from birth Then it would be quite normal Society for some unknown reason Aside from freezing to death in the winter Has dictated it to be beyond common decency Would we be having sex in the street Would our sexual urge overcome us Sure makes for some interesting debates I'd be all for nudity up to the age of thirty But then, for the love of Pete Cover up!!! © Jack Ellison 2014

Copyright © Jack Ellison | Year Posted 2014