My favorite cousin named Marge
is almost as big as a barge.
So one would assume,
not knowing the groom,
the guy would most likely be large.
But he was a small man named Tim
“As thin as a broom” describes him.
While Marge would guffaw,
Tim would watch her with awe
and just smile for he was so prim!
When the preacher addressed him and said,
“You may now kiss the bride,” Tim turned red,
for their lips could not meet.
With high heels on her feet,
Marge stood towering over his head.
She leaned down while Tim stood on his toes,
but for being in such a strange pose,
Marge then came toppling down
crushing Tim neath her gown
while the whole church erupted in “Ohhhhh’s.”
All was well, and thereafter, we ate;
then we planned next to dance until late.
But none could foresee
the small tragedy
that had us all leaving by eight!
Marge had tossed off her heels for a glide
on the dance floor, but when they both tried
to dance, Tim got snagged
by that dang gown and dragged
as his bride was beginning to slide. . .
Now shoeless, poor Marge could not stop.
Toward a table with candles on top,
they slid, and the groom
then set fire to the room
by landing with a belly flop.
Poor Tim by the candles got lit,
and we were all having a fit,
for the fire got spread fast
till the Best Man at last
got us all wet extinguishing it!
Inspired by the title of the movie: My Big Fat Greek Wedding
& : Joann Grisetti's "My Cousin's Wedding" Poetry contest
Copyright © Andrea Dietrich | Year Posted 2012
An outdoor wedding, no sign of rain
The bride’s gown had a 10-foot train
Crossing the lawn to her bequeathed
Fido snatched the train in his teeth
And Pop watched eight grand go down the drain
Copyright © Carolyn Devonshire | Year Posted 2010
Had my hair color treated
To surprise the wedding guests
Shock came at the rehearsal
Groom wanted to leave
His once-blonde bride had green curls
She’d been hoping for brunette
Oh, how the bridesmaids chuckled
Wig worn at wedding
Sadly, a true story.
By Carolyn Devonshire
For Dr. Ram’s “Wedding Rehearsal” Dodoitsu challenge
Copyright © Carolyn Devonshire | Year Posted 2011
My cousin shared her wishes and dreams,
On our star gazing night, she whispered them so sweet
As a shooting star glided down from the sky,
She said, I wish ….. I wish…. all I wish are these tonight
Someday, I will marry a smart, rich and handsome guy
And have a grandiose banquet on my nuptial rite
We’ll be dancing like a lovely prince and princess ,
With all my wedding sponsors on their best suits and dresses
All in pink ,that’s the motif I will surely request.
She kept into her dreams as several years passed by,
Still searching for her prince charming who’s hard to find
Unconsciously going beyond the age to give birth to a child,
In a hurry at age of seventy, she took a rich ninety years old guy.
The wedding was held after a day or two,
The guy seated on his wheelchair with rheumatism on his toe
She headed slowly at the alter to accept his shaking hands,
Two nurses followed, so with sponsors dressed up in printed brown.
The highlight of the wedding rite started at once,
They held tightly with a nebulizers on the other hands,
But the words of oath, they took time to pronounce
False teeth were both misplaced and nowhere to be found.
Reception followed grandiosely in the guy’s mansion,
I saw many old men and women still eager to dance on the floor,
With hunched back, shaking knees, they twisted rock and roll
Then, sweet music played and my cousin danced with her groom.
But, we all wondered how did he stand alone?
He’s so heavy , I knew my cousin couldn’t help him at all,
With our great surprise, his nurse was at his side like his crutch
Everyone thought , he’s really a smart guy! Was he not?
Then, everyone followed them so happily on the spacious hall,
And in trio, they held each other so tight and moved like a fool.
Written: Sept. 15, 2012
Contest: My Cousin's Wedding (funny poem)
Contest Judged: 9/30/2012
Poet Sponsor: Joann Grisetti
Copyright © Galeo DS | Year Posted 2012
The date was set and the church booked up
Invitations sent out, colors picked, and a hall for the sup.
The bridesmaids and groomsmen had all been chosen
For the date for us on the calendar was now frozen.
The Maid of Honor could only one person be
The Best Man knew this day would be crazy.
For all of the planning, the work, and the tension
Would culminate in this day of anticipation.
The minister counseled us and helped us to plan
But the burden was on us, for this day to span.
We wanted everyone to be as happy with us today
That's why we took so long to plan it this way.
The floweres trimmed the aisle along the carpet white
While all our family and friends dressed festively tonight.
The music started to play as the couples walked the aisle
I was reminded not to cry, instead to give a big smile.
It was my turn to walk the walk now
"Don't slip, don't trip, don't cause a row.
It's the day of the wedding and there is my peer
One question remains, "What am I doing here?"
Copyright © Daniel Cwiak | Year Posted 2010
I love my cool wheelchair to bits.
But when I get married it fits
to walk down the aisle,
it may take a while...
by then they're all snoring, the gits!
LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE LIMERICK CONTEST
sponsor: Jan Allison
October 13, 2016
Copyright © Darren White | Year Posted 2016
Written 7 March 2014
Bruce and Jennie, both were 10,
Had been playmates all their lives.
One day, Bruce proclaimed,
“Jennie… most good men have wives.”
He professed his love for her.
Jennie said she loved him too.
They decided that getting married
Was ‘the right thing’ to do.
So, Bruce went to speak to her father,
Who was doing yard work at the time.
“May I speak to you, Mr. Johnson?”
“Sure, Bruce. What’s on your mind?”
“Sir, I love your Jennie;
And Jennie, she loves me;
But we need your permission
To be married… to be “We.”
Impressed by Bruce’s courage,
He knew this confrontation must be tough.
He smiled and asked, “Bruce, are you sure
You love my daughter enough?”
Bruce’s face became stern, he said,
“Mr. Johnson, let me tell you…
I love Jennie so much…and she loves me.
We’re both sure it’s the right thing to do.”
He was moved by Bruce’s ardor,
But permission was not his to give.
So, quick as flash, he responded,
“But Bruce…where will you live?”
“Sir, I measured her room;
Then I measured mine.
Hers is 40 percent bigger.
We’ll live there. We’ll be fine.
If we have extra stuff,
We’ll keep that in my room.
We’ll keep our places neat and tidy.
You won’t even need a broom.
And both our parents can save money
On babysitters too.
Even if you do things on the same night,
You’ll only need one sitter, not two.”
Mr. Johnson was impressed with his logic,
But this marriage idea was no longer funny.
He smiled and said, “That’s good thinking, Bruce;
But what are you gonna do for money?
“Why, Mr. Johnson, I get twelve-fifty a week allowance;
And let me remind you, Jennie also gets ten.
Throw in our birthdays and Christmas cash….
Why, we might even have money to lend.”
Desperate now, he thought,
“Next, I guess they’ll want a car.”
Then he asked, “But Bruce, what if you have kids?”
"Aawww," blushed Bruce... “We’ve been lucky so far.”
Copyright © Robert Candler | Year Posted 2014
I do not know?
The knives and plate were always between us
With your sister, you were hanging out
With those two handsome knives
At all breakfast, lunch and dinner times
But when you were in the dishwasher
The playboy knife cheated on you
On the dessert plates
Tons of times
Please don’t let him to deceive you
I am the one who will always love you
Copyright © Begüm Erden | Year Posted 2011
Her grand gals axed her one time
How did hers ever gits a date
Her done went ta a all gals school
Theys wudn't let no boys in
Ut makes me's won ders
Yep ut sure do
Theys at that datin age
And figgers theys
Finds oot if's hers was a good
Gal er bad.
Her tells um
Theys jist bet er be's
Good gals er else.
Youse cain't gits a good
Feller if'n youse any thin else
An than her tells um it were no never mine
Her knowed where her cowboy her'd fine
Her went ta school
An gots her job
Near tha H bar T rench
What were a real sandy spot
Tha lan' lady her 'vites the cowboy
frum up tha nex rench
Ta comes down fer a little supper
An ta meets tha new gal what are gonna teach.
Theys played cards er sumthin' or so her seys
An when him are ready ta leaves
Her axed him if'n he's cuds
Puts her saddle in the barn, please
Sunday her's was over ta tha school
Gittin ready fer ta teaches tha golden rule
When him done stops an tells her
He are a goin ta the ropin club
An seys theys room in tha car fer her.
Her seys hers will goes with um
But hers did unt axes
What kinda drinks theys serves
Et this club.
Him were a proud cowboy feller were he
His job were m-portatnt youse see
An sum times if'n he gits his work all done
Him jist mights calls her on tha tel-e-phone.
When Thanksgivin comed round
Her wents ta Kansas an seed her folks
An him wents ta Wyomin ta looks at a rench
When him did comed back
Him stops fer a spell
An when him are goin ta leaves
Her walks him oot ta the car ya sees
An tells him hers goin ta a weddin
On June Nine teenth
Him jist looks at her an seys
If'n him are supposed ta be's....
Well youse knows tha rest
Her done it
They's war forty seven years an two weeks
When her gits done tellin her grand gals
Theys mouths was open big
An her tells um
Yep her did
That's how youse
Comed ta be's.
Her telled Billy what her telled tha gals
An him seys, with a spark in his eye
Him were a weldin
"I's never did axed youse ta marrys me,
Youse knows youse er right."
Now when Billy looks down et her from aboves
Her kisses hers wedding ring with love
Cause on theys wedding bands youse'll finds
Tha stars an tha moon fer all times
I's mad that lan lady did unt vites me's down
Then maybe's them gran gals wud a
X.......John e Cowpoke
Copyright © Marycile Beer | Year Posted 2008
In the month of February 'twas fate
We chose our special wedding date
A love, I cannot explain
Couldnâ€™t wait to take his name
So why do I still hyphenate?
By Rhonda Johnson-Saunders, January 30, 2012
for Linda-Marie's February Funny Bone contest
First place finish
Copyright © Rhonda Johnson-Saunders | Year Posted 2012
An angry Father, that wore a frown
has watched the rise of the devil's moon
While pacing, he's worn the carpet down
They arrive at dawn, and none too soon!
Broken curfews, her virtue at stake
The stakes are high, but the daughter dared
Dad quickly plans a wedding date!
No explanation or sage to share
They are ushered in, without a sigh
Their vows would choke the most aloof
It clouds the starlight in their eyes,
and shoots the moon, un-bullet proofed!
This patriarch must take a stand
Holy wedlock was in high demand !
Submitted for "Trashed # 4" Contest: Sponsored by Broken Wings
Copyright © Carrie Richards | Year Posted 2015
I woke up in rapture, when she started to sing.
Naughty whispers in my ears, “Someone’s coming”
My ecstatic view;
A child is due!
Then she continues, “My mother’s visiting”
Copyright © Nitesh Aggarwal | Year Posted 2010
Trying to remember my family on a three hour ride
'cause I'm going once again to see a new bride.
This makes number three for poor cousin Vinny,
the last two was crazy but at least they were skinny.
The new one he's got looks like a man.
He calls her sweetie but I call her Stan.
He's five foot four and she's six foot five.
My poor cousin vinny might not survive.
She use to carry lumber down at the mill,
but now she's a wrestler her name is 'Big Kill'.
Standing six foot five with a linebackers head.
If this one goes south poor vinny is dead.
He swears to us all that he loves her alot,
but I think he's lying so he won't get shot.
My cousin Vinny is lost without any clue,
and the woman he loves wears a size 19 shoe.
But I'll always come and support his new mess,
'cause each time he marries my wife gets a new dress.
Dustin Self (my cousin's wedding contest)
Copyright © Dustin Self | Year Posted 2012
When the preacher asked Do you take this man
The groom thought this was a thrill
The bride replied I may as well
Being no one else will
When the preacher said Do you take this woman
For your awful wedded wife
The groom replied Oh my
You mean the sentence is for life
Two families sitting side by side
Watching each other like hawks
When the Bride and groom stepped outside
Instead of rice, they threw rocks.
It was a romance made in heaven
If you want to know the truth
She was in love with his pick up truck
And he loved her front tooth
They went on their honeymoon
To a cabin on top of the hill
There was furniture on the front lawn
In the back there was a still
He promised her he’d do his best
And some day they’d have it made
So he decided to go back to school
And finish second grade
Now you might think this is funny
And filled your heart with laughter
But they never worried about material things
So they lived happily ever after.
Copyright © Vince Suzadail Jr. | Year Posted 2009
Please, sir, some meat and bread
I've not had a morsel for a week
It would stop this terrible hunger
My prospects now are terribly bleak
It's said the Earl is tender hearted
And oh so bloody awful rich
If I could have a taste of his
I'd call the thing a Sandwich
I hate to just come a beggin'
But I'm so hungry I am seeing red
Won't you ask the Earl again
Please, sir, some meat and bread.......
For Joe's Sandwich contest...lol
Copyright © Barbara Gorelick | Year Posted 2010
Just out of college, we would yearn for a touch
Sleeping together cuddled on the couch
Those were the days!
Of pre-wedding bouquets
Now I am told to go sleep alone on the couch
Copyright © Nitesh Aggarwal | Year Posted 2010
Pa held shotgun to his head
"Marry her son or you're dead"
"It wasn't me" the lad pled
"Yes it was" she said
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Placed No. 2 in John Freeman's " Love or Humor" Contest - January 2011
Copyright © Robert L. Hinshaw | Year Posted 2011
The rehearsal car broke down
They were told not to panic !!
The mechanic was ordained .....
Chilled birds, with one phone
For Dr. Ram's Contest "Wedding Rehearsal "
By Carrie Richards
Copyright © Carrie Richards | Year Posted 2011
Fair as ever he doth ride
Alas to meet his gal
as she prepares to be his bride.
He draws back a drink with an old pal
they discuss their days gone stall
time drifts by, the bride feels faintly
in worry, her grooms last prodigal
A man who's thought most stately
On clock tower's side
he glares in wow
to realize what time passed by
he thinks of lies, of where and how
he decides to blame the herd of cow
"they just stood there so blankly"
he thinks to himself, ok, no worries for now
A man who's thought most stately
Up to her abode he doth stride
she rushes to him in the snow
"You are too late" she shoots his pride
with her most powerful blow
"No excuse for you not to show!"
"Our wedding day? you forgot and left me there sedately"
"why I oughtta feed you to the crows"
A man who's thought most stately
Prince, not so
for this young man, here lately
for he was sent, and told to go!
A man who's thought most stately
Copyright © Wandering Butterfly | Year Posted 2011
"Wedding of a Wench"
a joyous celebration promised arrived on lacy invitation
bring only your smile as a gift to offer congratulations
but my cousin, Marlene, was known as a troublemaker all her life
now so hard to imagine she'd make any man a good wife.
more out of curiosity my honey and I opted to go
after many years of disfunction change makes people grow
nothing could have prepared me for the show 'twas 'bout to see
there is a lid for every pot and fun is always free.
the rough flight to Las Vegas was bumpy and too long
spent all my time with eyes closed tight chanting the wedding song
as the plane landed I tried to unclench my fist
wondering which magic potion she used to snare a sharp dentist.
the trip to the chapel 'neath bright lights of Sin City
my high heels hurt my toes as I thought of words witty
recognized Uncles and Aunts who had now grown old
though the temps reached 100 my body froze cold.
we exchanged hugs and kisses then escorted to our bench
waiting for sweet music and entrance of wicked wench
she wore a red suit with her flaming red hair
with white shoes, blouse and hat looked like Santa Claus affair.
the groom, short and bald, wore a green laurel wreath
to cover his head with red tie underneath
his bermuda shorts were all plaid and too big
where oh where was the champagne, I needed a swig.
instead of gold rings they had tattooed pop art
with matching leg logos "till death do us part"
I was laughing so loud I thought I would die
waved a speedy hello and a hasty goodbye.
now what does one say to a couple's freak show?
no words came to mind that seemed quite apropos
I just gave them my business card once they were sober
as a wedding gift come see me for a duo cousin makeover.
*For Joann Grisetti's My Cousin's Wedding Contest.
Copyright © Linda-Marie SweetHeart | Year Posted 2012
"The Hen-pecked Husband"
By M. Taha Effendi
The door bell rang yet again,
and yonder heard the distinct voice,
of my dear old wife, full of pain,
drowned all my dreams of rejoice.
then came the thundering slap,
that landed on my cheek now red,
and as I panicked out of my nap,
I realized I had wet my bed.
Copyright © Mohammad Taha Effendi | Year Posted 2010
Dearly Beloved; and you too Earl,
We have all gathered here together,
In everyone’s favorite bingo church,
To hitch these young-uns up forever!
Let me hear you all say yea-ya!
Luke here has finally gotten wise;
He dumped that city girl hussy,
And here we are…what a surprise.
Rumor has it, she slept around!
An adulterous woman was she!
She wasn’t very good in bed,
At least that’s what most men told me.
She wasn’t without her talents though.
She once sucked an ice cube through a straw!
A skill only a city girl would have,
The men who witnessed it were in awe!
Forgive me if I seem distracted.
Let’s get back to the affairs at hand.
Did I say affairs? My mistake.
I hope you all try to understand.
Luke, do you take your cousin Peaches
To be your lawfully wedded wife?
Do you promise to kiss her butt,
For the rest of your natural life?
Will you love, honor and respect her,
Even when she does nothing but nag?
Will you leave the toilet seat down
Now and until she’s an old hag?
And Peaches, will you have sex with Luke
Even when you’re not in the mood?
Get a Martha Stewart cookbook,
And try to fix this boy some real food?
Will you please learn that trick with the straw?
And you know my number if you do.
Now, let’s get this thing over with,
So we can start that barbeque!
Georgie, catch that chicken with the rings!
Be careful on that foot, if you can.
You’re lucky Luke only shot you there.
This way, you can still be his best MAN!
Okay boys, you’d best cock your rifles!
This time, you better aim for the head!
Anyone out there have a reason
Why this couple should not be wed?
Anyone? Alright, put em down boys.
I know…it is a big bummer;
But you still might get to shoot someone
When the tourists arrive this summer!
So, by the authority of the church,
And the fact that I can smell that meat,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Now kiss your bride so we can eat!
Copyright © Mark Spencer | Year Posted 2011
You messed around
and married a real
"pain-in-the butt" man
known throughout the land
his only claim to fame
is over reacting
and lacking class
a self-proclaimed pain in the ass
a crook with line
and hook to cast
things will never be the same
trade away your maiden name
to Mrs. Hemorrhoid
and wear his name with class.
Copyright © JSLambert Mister ROBOTO | Year Posted 2011
The first time I got married, it was a church affair.
And as all good grooms, I wanted it to go off with a certain flair.
Everything was ready that I could think of
Now all that remained was to share and profess our love.
The ceremony was beautiful and went off without a glitch
But I never expected my "Best Man's" prankish hitch.
It was at the reception when began my harassment
I would not know the why, but everyone had a comment.
"Don't worry", "It'll be okay", or "You won't need any" people would say
And I didn't understand, why some looked at me in such a strange way.
With a quizzical look on my face I was only perplexed
I didn't know just what comment, next to expect.
Finally, I asked one of my groomsmen being rather shy
If he knew what people meant, and perhaps the reason why.
"It's not you, you dummy, you just never knew...
The lengths to which we'd go, to embarass you."
I couldn't stand it anymore, these comments of chide
I excused myself politely, and looked for a corner to hide.
So off to a quiet place alone, my sore feet and I did go
I took my shoes off to rub them and finally did I know.
It seems that in my haste and hurry, my love to prove
I never even looked, at the bottom of my shoes.
There on the soles, which could only be seen in church when I knelt,
Were two letters on each painted in white...left shoe 'HE'...right shoe...'LP' .
Copyright © Dan Cwiak | Year Posted 2015
We went to a Chinese restaurant, but couldn’t get a seat
The waiter found us a table, and said we were in for a treat.
A wedding party was booked, he said, we would join them
We decided to say yes, sat down and waited and then…
The waiters rushed out, the bride arrived, resplendent in a gown of white
A creation that was gorgeous, her tattooed shoulders caught the light
No groom was there by her side, just a pageboy and three bridesmaids
The page a little boy of five suddenly on his way he got waylaid…
A tank of fish by the door, amused the bored little boy
Especially when he threw his car in, it was his ‘must behave toy.’
The best man arrived; he saw the bride, he whispered in her studded ear
She banged the table with her fist, there was no doubt we all could hear.,,
"The ‘bast*** I am sick of him, and you are the one to blame
You should have stopped him getting drunk, god why did I take his name?
Get the kids off the floor, get that car out of the tank of fish?
When their father gets here, get them to bring the Chop Suey wedding dish…"
The groom arrived looking abashed, his tie slung over his shoulder
“Get these bloody kids controlled or they’ll not get very much older.”
The bride jumped up and raised her dress, not only her garter did we see
She raised her dainty black jack boot, and kicked him in the knee…
"They are your bloody kids you know, and if you don’t control them soon
I’m telling you right now- we are not going on our honeymoon."
By this time all of us began to thank, the waiters for finding us a seat
They had not been wrong when they told us, we were in for a wonderful treat...
A True Story
© ~GG~ 20/11/2012
Copyright © Mandy Tams The Golden Girl | Year Posted 2012
I want to be your bride
No beating around the bush
I want to wear a white cape
And mouse ears
I want to blow raspberries at your loved ones
I want to dance
On a table to our song
I want to eat the best bits of the cake
And lick the icing
When no ones looking
I want to make a speech
When I’m drunk
And call you by an ex-boyfriends name
I want to sit on your Mothers knee
Thinking it’s you
I want to arrive an hour early at the church
In the rain
And wait outside
I want jesters and clowns in bridesmaid dresses
To follow me around all day
I want a ring
I want five rings
One for each finger
Just in case I lose one
I want an orchestra of mice
To make your relatives dance
I want to take you to bed
And sing you nursery rhymes as I undress
I want you my darling
Don’t you want me too?
Copyright © Rachel Holland | Year Posted 2007
Married by a de-frocked priest
[the folks didn't have a clue ]
the day was mostly sunny,
the geese were quaking too!
My groom it seems was fretin'
but my brother well [he knew ]
Mary Jane was just the thing
to go with cheese fondue!
Pond side, down garden path
the flower girl was crying
the ring bearers pillow dropped
the brides maids were sighing!
Missing Mom finally showed,
her ex in tow with tootsie
what delight, what painful fright
and me the raving beauty!
What a day, that 26th of May
I should have guessed, you know
when the wedding suites' door
stuck, they gave us free bordeaux.
Copyright © Debbie Guzzi | Year Posted 2012
On the wedding
The Bishop co-ordinating
Called in the groom
Only awaiting the bride
Hymns going up in the air
Half hour passed
And yet she is unarrived
"What is delaying you?"
The groom yelled at the Bishop
"Your bride isn't here"
With a dimple from the groom's cheek
Loke side way at his bride
"He has long arrived
I am gay"
Copyright © Olorunsogo David | Year Posted 2013
I know the Maid of Honour’s duties do not include a speech,
But looking at the perfect Bride, a vision in gold... and peach,
I couldn’t let the moment pass, without the chance to say,
How perfect for each other you are, on this your wedding day.
We’ve been friends forever, in school you were a brat,
But now you’re older, more mature and getting rather fat!
I know you really hate me; the proof is in the dress,
This thing you chose to put me in, it really is a mess!
Bows and ruffles everywhere, however could you think,
That a mature twenty eight year old could pull off vivid pink?
I know your gown is hideous, but even with that said,
There’s still no reason why the other bridesmaids are in red.
It’s clear to all that your wish for me was just to look a show,
And as it is your special day, I thought I’d let it go.
You’d always seemed to find it hard to find the perfect man,
You sat and watched all of your friends find theirs and formed a plan.
You tried it on with who they’d found until you had a date.
And so you lost a fair few friends? You’d found yourself a mate!
And in the groom you’ve found a man who over flows with love,
And through the trials that lie ahead, he’ll help you rise above.
With hugs and kisses he’ll shower you and have a few to spare,
In fact I saw him earlier, canoodling with Claire!
Honey, don’t react like that, he’s a jerk, I know it’s true,
But remember that you first hooked up, at our engagement do.
A leopard cannot change its spots, or so the proverb says,
And you told me you only married him for money anyway!
But then again you always were a shallow two-faced cow,
And why on earth should you decide to change your ways right now?
So ladies and gentlemen please join me, raise a glass,
To the spiteful two-faced Bride, and her two-timing Ass!
Copyright © Sharon Smith | Year Posted 2012
Stylish Zelli's shoes are unique,
they stand out in my neat boutique;
what a distinguished look
in a suit nobody took...
green cognac is gorgeous and chic!
Copyright © Andrew Crisci | Year Posted 2011