Funny Woman Poems | Funny Poems About Woman

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Details | Narrative |

Call Me Gonzo

For thoose of you who may not know.
Just call me gonzo I write the absurd for life is insane and sometimes 
it takes a madman to speak the truth so very clear.

I write for the broken vacant faces that have lost all hope.
To the dreamer who's well is slowley running dry from everyone
telling him to stop wasting his time.

I write like a endless highway fueled by whiskey and wild women 
every adventure leads to pain but life is pain and i love in spite of it.

I thirst for every unseen mile the desert my brother it's people dwell
in the spirt of the west the opium parlors and brothels spirt still linger.
I write with a hint of danger and a promise of disaster.

Im a blues player whos trying to out run the devil.
Im a outlaw riding to cross the border a woman looking to the 
empty range for my return.

I write because I breath in a world were the creative air has gone 
The bottle sits apon table and I welcome any strangers company
I just rather that stranger be a warm woman instead of a 
unfriendly amigo who is a little jelouse.

Write to be more than just part of the highways landscape.
Some may call me crude crazy insane some even vulgar and 
liar and thief.
But aside from thoose compliments.
No matter what you may call me.
Dont ever forget to just call me gonzo.

Copyright © DR Robert Gonzo | Year Posted 2010

Details | Rhyme |

herKidster, Billy Breaks Up With PD

herKidster, Billy is breaking up with PD.
Things were going very well until PD
made it clear to herKidster that PD is a she.
Now PD has an unfair advantage on me.
If I get too rough PD crys like a big cry baby,
"That was over the line Kidster. You really hurt me,"
then theKidster falls apart feeling very guilty.
I would never hurt a woman intentionally.
Well, it's been fun my little poet destroyer PD.
You should have never revealed that you were a woman to me,
but we can always continue to be friends, there's just one down side you see,
now all of your followers that I gave to you are all gonna flock back to me.
Now PD's gonna lose all of PD's popularity.
Goodbye my little poet destroyer PD.
Forever yourKidster, Wild Billy

Copyright © SillyBilly theKidster | Year Posted 2010

Details | I do not know? |

A 94 year old woman kicked my ###

(This is a fictional poem)

A 94 year old woman kicked my ###.
She beat the crap out of me and left me bleeding on the grass.
Every time I got up, she knocked me down again.
She beat me really hard and I sure as hell didn't win.
The fight started when she asked me to put out my cigar.
I told her that I'd shove it up her vagina and I guess I went too far.
When she got through beating me, I had lost most of my teeth.
Now people laugh at me and all I feel is grief.

Copyright © randy johnson | Year Posted 2007

Details | Lyric |

A poem for YOU

In this world of Uncertainties I’m the man that you can trust And in my words of sincerity That my love would never last. And if you could only feel, what i feel for you You can ask me “why?” so you can see the truth Like our love that tightens the rope, Like a light that would give us hope. As you watch the dark skies Let me grab the moon for you, And as I catch the bright stars That’s the way you can see me through As this planet turns as it always will And things go wrong and you don’t know what to feel Hold my hand for it will make us strong Like a wind, we will carry on The wind blow that sings a hymn for you For they know what does love means for the two Love is blind, and not deaf So how’s success if you’re not ready to bet? In this poem with full of rhymes, A full of love, Babe can you be mine? I don’t expect too much from you Why should I? If you complete my whole. “Till death do us part” that’s what they have said But why do struggles crash them ahead? Don’t ask me when my love will last, To count all of our quarrels, is that a must? Now and Forever is all that I promise No day dreaming and without reminiscence As the matter of time, as the time passes by Together we stand, together you and I
A poem for my Girlfriend for our anniversary :) pls comment and rate... you are free to judge and criticize my work :) God Bless

Copyright © Emmanuel Fajutagana | Year Posted 2013

Details | Light Poetry |

Old Roger

Old Roger is dead and gone to his grave,
Hum,ha! gone to his grave.

They planted an apple tree over his head,
Hum,ha ! over his head.

The apples grew ripe and ready to drop,
Hum,ha ! ready to drop.

There came a high wind and blew them all off,
Hum,ha ! blew them all off.

There came an old woman to pick them all up,
Hum,ha ! pick them all up.

Old Roger got up and gave her a knock,
Hum,ha ! gave her a knock.

Which made the old woman go hipperty hop,
Hum,ha ! hipperty hop.

Copyright © NWANDO OBIANYOR | Year Posted 2007

Details | Free verse |

This Thing Called Woman

When in her best behavior:

    she smiles so sweetly
    and she loves so freely;

    she speaks so softly
    and she adores so dearly.

But if you are not on your guard:

    she will smile sweetly still
    as she drives a knife deep into your heart;

    she will love you, yes she will,
    while bleeding dry your credit card until you hurt;

    she will speak ever so softly, 
    divesting you of your money till you can't take it anymore;

     she will adore you dearly
     till she finds a new man, then drops you to settle some score.

She is tough, yet crumbles so easily,
she loves but hates with uncontrollable fury.

She sends so many conflicting signals:

    like some sort of a weirdo,
    she says no when she means yes, and yes when she means no;

    she always demands equality 
    yet expects preferential treatment based on her femininity;

    she expects a man to open the door
    but once inside the feminist begins to take over the floor; 

    she can manage on her own, says woman,
    yet resents it when you don't give up your seat, you ain't a gentleman;

    she wants a man to hold her when crossing the pavement
    but try it in the office and the poor guy gets booked for harassment.

What a woman really wants is her favor !!!

Copyright © Wilfredo Derequito | Year Posted 2007

Details | Verse |

Ding Dong The Wicked Witch is Dead

Globally, miners jubilantly jump for joy
Smiles on the faces of every girl and boy
The grins of a newly opened Xmas toy
Thatcher’s dead.

Trade unionists bounce along the street
Music blaring and the tapping of feet
From nurses to Bobbies still on the beat
Thatcher’s dead.

Street parties announced in the nation
Satan who brought economic inflation
Is deceased, now’s the time for elation
Thatcher’s dead.

Its times like this I’m sad I’m an atheist
And can only shout and wave my fist
And then go to the pub and get pissed
Thatcher’s dead.

Copyright © Dan Keir | Year Posted 2013

Details | Free verse |

I Am Woman Hear Me Roar

I am strong as that of a mighty eagle
Won't back down to predators

I am strong that of atlas
Can carry the world on my shoulders

I am strong that of a loco motive
Reaching final destinations 

I am strong that of God
Only within His calling

                              For the hand who touches
                                 Is the man saved

I have the willpower
To see it through

I have structure
To make it happen

I have knowledge 
To share unto others

                              For I am woman
                                Hear me Roar

Entry For Rambling Poet's
I Am Strong Contest

Copyright © Katherine Stella | Year Posted 2010

Details | Limerick |

The Chocolate

The Chocolate!

She is a deliciously smart gal,
For each and everyone's her pal.
Be it in the brownie or cake,
Or the icy cold milk shake.
She sure can change everyone's morale!

Copyright © sima mittal | Year Posted 2013

Details | Lyric |

Viagra and Beer

Too much Viagra and beer.
Too much Viagra and beer.
My wife was out of town,
I hit every club around.
Each time I'd hope to find
A horny woman here.

Country Bob's was the last club that was open.
Near blind drunk and horny, but I was still hopin'.
A pretty woman gave me a glance,
Smiled and said, "Nice pants.
Honey, I'm ridin' if you're ropin'."

A few hours later, I was in a Helluva mess
She's still ridin' hard and screamin', "God, this is the best!"
I was dizzy and light-headed. I had pains in my chest,
But she wouldn't stop long enough to call EMS.

When I came to, I was home in my own bed,
Next to my lovely wife; and this is what she said:
"I picked you up at Country Bob's, my dear;
And there's gonna be some changes around here.

You were fantastic last night;
So, I only think its right
If I supplement your diet 
With Viagra and beer."

Viagra and beer. Viagra and beer.
She treats me like a king,
Says I make her body sing;
So, She makes sure I get my Viagra and beer.

Viagra and beer. Viagra and beer.
Yeah, she makes sure I get my Viagra and beer.

We're like newlyweds. 
I need a break sometime.

Submitted by: Buzz O'Words
Written: 3/3/14

Copyright © Robert Candler | Year Posted 2014

Details | Rhyme |

Man Seeking Woman

The evening was just perfect
'Cause the moon was fresh and full
And the air was cool and dry
As I gulped down, my Red Bull

It was with pure anticipation 
That I hope to make a score
As She meets my expectations
And perhaps a little more

I hope she's not a nerd
'Cause I'm really not that smart
Or a connaisseur
Cause I'm not much into art

But a woman down to earth
With those mutual desires
That can take a man of girth
And make his loins a raging fire

While sitting in Perrier's 
At this table that I picked
In the corner of the room
Should really do the trick

The waiters wear black ties
With a towel on each arm
Pouring wine from chilled bottles 
It surely adds to all my charm

Oh, There she is, what a beauty
And I can't believe, "On time"
She sure looks like a cutie
I just, have to make her mine

As she walks directly towards me
She displays a pleasant smile
This response from a woman
I haven't seen, in such a while

Then she sits a cross the table
And we talk 'til we turn blue
Satisfied in our hearts
That no one else would ever do

Then She said I must be honest
It's my sex, I had it changed
And I'm sorry if you hate me
I know this seems so quite insane

I replied with a tear
As I reached out for her hand
It's all right my dearest love
I must confess, I'm not a man


Copyright © Jerry T Curtis | Year Posted 2016

Details | Light Poetry |

My Telephone

Winter nights, the darkness comes quick
Key in door, to an empty house
Jacket falls fast right on the floor
I stare at the stand, at the telephone for sure

There she sits, alone, unmoving
No blinking light
No message at all
From a lovers voice or even a call from the mall

The ritual is the same, night after night
I pick up the phone, yes dial tone is there
I check the wires, all attached with great care
Its not broken, same as this morning

I confess, yes I stare at the phone over there

The phone is a functioning, I am assured
I call the weather line, yes a test but I was bored
They tell me is all sunny up over yonder
So no one calls me, of this I must ponder

I confess yes I stare, at the dark phone sitting there

Maybe the answering system parts are malfunctioning
Maybe she really did some exotic oh calling
Oh what I am saying, she’s out to the ball
While I look at telephone, alone in the hall

I confess yes I stare, I stare and stare

So another night, outside shines the bright city lights
I open the door to the darkness in fright
For oh my god, I see a blinking light
My heart beats in excitement, this is surely the night

I stare at a ringing telephone

Oh my what a delight!!!!!!!!

Wrong number

Copyright © arthur vaso | Year Posted 2015

Details | Limerick |

Woman-Owned Business Maker

Self-employed and partner in life
He "hired" some other guy's wife
Making golfing balls
Now he has two holes
My new business ?...Surgical Knives...

for Carolyn Devonshire's "Horrible Bosses"

Copyright © iolanda Scripca | Year Posted 2011

Details | Verse |

4 Love

Love is a four letter word
she whispered into his ear,

So is four, as is word
he whispered back into her fear,

Such is "you and I"
cried his heart - she could hear,

Their cheeks hugged, eyes kissed
each shedding a single tear. 

Copyright © A.O. Taner | Year Posted 2016

Details | Light Poetry |

Who Cares Anyway -- Read

I read him my poems and he said, Oh I feel so sorry for you. Had I read him a newspaper, would he still have felt sorry? To read him a novel of mine, would have been too long and would he have lost interest by now? But I read him some old love letters, now, he is really sorry for me.

Copyright © Marilyn Williams | Year Posted 2015

Details | Limerick |

There once was a woman from Japan

There once was a woman from Japan
She went by the name of Faye-Lynn
A ninja with beauty
To kill was her duty
Her weapon was seduction of man

Copyright © Virginia Mitchell | Year Posted 2011

Details | Limerick |

Silly Woman

There was a silly woman from Detroit Who at everything was adroit She couldn't ev'n boil an egg She just kept them in a keg And then she threw them like a quoit. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2014 10.21.2014

Copyright © Dorian Petersen Potter | Year Posted 2014

Details | Limerick |

hey cutie

Your sheer arrogance makes me giggle
Your butt does the cutest wiggle
I really hope you like me
I want to call you baby
Or maybe my little piggle.


Copyright © Derrick Shane | Year Posted 2013

Details | Limerick |

A Woman Named Flo


There once was a woman named  Flo 
Who did it by the way that you know 
She had a long nose 
And alligators in tow 
Who ate her nose and each of her toes! 

Dorian Petersen Potter 
aka ladydp2000 


Copyright © Dorian Petersen Potter | Year Posted 2014

Details | Rhyme |

Thank You

 I am strong because of you,
vulnerable no more.
I had to grow a backbone
when you walked out the door.

I am no longer needy
like the woman you left behind.
I've learned to stand on my own two feet
and I now know my own mind.

Independant and self-aware
I am now, because of you.
So I thank you for all you did
when you told me we were through.

I wouldn't be that woman again
if you offered me a million bucks
and as for you and your life now,
well I really don't give two... figs.

Copyright © Francine Roberts | Year Posted 2012

Details | Ballade |

Johnny Depp Wrapped in Chocolate Would Be Heaven Sent

~~Johnny Depp Wrapped in ChocolateThat Would Be Heaven Sent~~ Bonjour môn amies a ballade to write, will be my fait accompli The trials of a woman to bring love - in a village that did not play. An alluring female chocolatier opens a choclaterie-e Hated by the Mayor she wished her plans she never did lay Ooh la la !! Her dress was racy - but still they began to pay Johnny Depp was her gypsy lover when on the river they went But she had to win the love of others to fulfil plans, come what may Johnny Depp wrapped in chocolate - that would be heaven sent. A village so French - a so called femme fatal-e She determined to change there outlook and stay Viva la difference, but one by one she turned them to see Her chocolate treats did melt in mouth - in secret they did say C’est manifique - they whispered with authority Her sweets bites bought together those she thought were meant Even though some tried to block her treats others made a silent plea Johnny Depp wrapped in chocolate – that would be heaven sent. To church the lady never went an illegitimate child the Mayor did see But slowly the French ladies turned to love this alluring woman and say Her chocolate they thought magical- her raison d’etre it must be Her tête-à-têtes were to open hearts, and bring peace and love to stay Reconciliations made in her chocolate shop - their thoughts began to sway But no chocolates were they to eat, and the reason - it was lent… But those that did dare to try - found on their tongues it did dance and play But Johnny Depp wrapped in chocolate - that would be heaven sent. Prince Depp my piece-de-resistance, is there for all to see My joie de vivre if I had been there, even though it may be lent I would have paid money just to see… Johnny Depp wrapped in chocolate - that would be heaven sent. ©
For the Un Deux Trois contest....well at least I tried ha ha

Copyright © Mandy Tams The Golden Girl | Year Posted 2012

Details | Rhyme |

She Done Me Wrong

Every time I turn the radio on I hear a feller's plaintive song,
About his achin' heart and how his woman done him wrong!
How they once held each other close beneath the harvest moon;
Now, he sits alone caressin' a beer at Cudahey's Diner and Saloon!

He found his woman hangin' out in honky-tonks at the edge of town,
Consortin' with the local rabble tossin' whiskey sours down!
Never mind that she caught him with Hildebrun at Clyde's Greasy Spoon!
Now, he sits alone caressin' a beer at Cudahey's Diner and Saloon!

His woman tells him to stop his gamblin' at the Pot O' Gold Casino,
And if he doesn't stop and toe the line, she's headin' for a split in Reno!
He wonders where his charm has gone that once made her swoon.
Now, he sits alone caressin' a beer at Cudahey's Diner and Saloon!

He feels a pang of guilt for not providin' the kids with decent shoes,
And blowin' the grocery money on the horses, cigarettes and booze!
But can't a feller have a little fun without her ragin' like a typhoon?
Now, he sits alone caressin' a beer at Cudahey's Diner and Saloon!

He stops at Cudahey's after work and drinks until they douse the light.
He cries on Bubba the barkeep's shoulder unloadin' on him every night.
He feels as if his woman thrust through his heart a very sharp harpoon!
Now, he sits alone caressin' a beer at Cudahey's Diner and Saloon!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 3 in Paula Swanson's "Play Me A Cheatin' Song" Contest - May 2011

Copyright © Robert L. Hinshaw | Year Posted 2011

Details | Limerick |


There was a young lady named Dela,
Who always dressed well for her feller.
What did Delaware?
I really don't care,
But I think she should have dressed weller.

Copyright © William Robinson | Year Posted 2006

Details | Ode |

Emily Me

a star and always her
constantly the moon in the garden
this wide paradise to me
where I declaim Emily Dickinson
syllable by syllable
to the happiness of the destinies
an eternal love

Copyright © Milan Georges Burovac | Year Posted 2015

Details | Light Poetry |

Vanity, Thy Name Is Woman

Vanity…Thy Name Is Woman!

My house is on fire
What shall I do
I’ve seconds to decide
My choices are few
Shall I grab my money
My precious jewels
Or my brand new furry
Bedside mules?

This smoke is deadly
I can hardly breathe
I make a mental list
Of what to bequeath
But live or die
I’ll wear my designer dress
I’ve got to look great
For all the press!

Copyright2012 Beatrice Boyle
(All rights reserved)

For Kristen Bruni's Last Chance Poetry Contest

Copyright © Beatrice Boyle | Year Posted 2012

Details | Haiku |

to agree with me

made a robot
named it after her
programmed it to agree with me

Copyright © RUDOLPH RINALDI | Year Posted 2013

Details | Couplet |



I can speak French and sometimes Chinese
I can also speak cat with some ease
When he  miaows at me as he goes
I mimic his call and he  knows
When the dog barks I reply
Even the horse and I see eye to eye
But I can’t speak “woman”
It’s beyond the speech power of a man.
I can’t talk for hours about shoes

And discuss the merits of mauves or blues
Or share the humour of how pink bows  
Don’t go with green  pillows
And go all weepy over Meryl  Streep

Or wax lyrical over some punk-rock creep

Or persuade some guy to discuss flowers

Rather than the size of the nuclear powers  
.. . . . so she  said. . . . so then I said. . . 
And  she whispered. . . . and her face went red. . . .

No it’s impossible to spend hours on the phone
I’d rather sit watching football all alone
It’s futile me trying to pretend
An interest in what gift to send
Or remember birthdays wi th accuracy
Such a task would drive me crazy
God save me from female speech
Let me speak “man”,  I beseech
Just let me sit alone and grunt
Or maybe shoot, fish,  and hunt
And talk to the dog about football facts
Or maybe  to the car while I wax.

Copyright © Sidney Beck | Year Posted 2012

Details | Couplet |

Hide and Seek

Cat and Mouse: hide and seek
This could take an hour or week

No one wants to seem too bold
So we put our love on hold

A peek here and a peek there
Wondering if we really dare

Wondering what the seconds bring
Wondering if the phone will ring

Wondering, wondering:  peek a boo
You’re hiding…. but I SEE you

I see past that great big wall
Your heart’s ready for the fall

I know that you caught the bait
But I sit and wait and wait

I’m patient, got time of day
But oh, what if you get away!

Cat and mouse: hide and seek
Oh, my knees are getting weak

Oh, this heart’s sure to explode
The waiting’s gone to overload

One more second's just too much
No time for cat games and such

Hide and seek…is getting old
Here I am! My love is bold!

Ready? You'll be caught real tight!
Cause boy, your just out of sight!

Eileen Manassian Ghali

Copyright © Eileen Manassian | Year Posted 2013

Details | Rhyme |

Golfing Diva

Crookhill ladies  take the tee
On their very first “girly” golfing spree
To High Street stores they wave goodbye
Preferring sun-baked Spanish skies ,
Aperitifs in long, cool glasses
Served by waiters with tiny asses
No tears were shed, all eyes were dry
As they boarded EASY JET 109
On route for the infamous, Alicante
Where  golfing  convention rules out “hankey-pankey”
Aperitifs in long, cool glasses
Served by waiters with black silky ‘tashes
Pretty conservative as you’d expect
These would be,  competition golfettes
All that is, except for Sheila
A real little animated golfing diva
She’ll sip the aperitifs in long cool glasses
More likely to kick than kiss their assets
All thoughts of home are driven away
Anticipating the games they’d play
Of practice, putts  and competition
With dreams of victory a firm conviction
They sip the aperitifs in long cool glasses
While thoughts may turn to the young Señors' assets
Balmy nights they came and went
Their passion for golf now almost spent
Except for our Sheila - golfing diva
Lifting the trophy, a mega achievement
Sips champagne till way past dawn
Her entourage, she can’t recall
Coincidence?, I really can’t say
But those Spanish Señors look content today

Copyright © CAROL ROBINSON | Year Posted 2013

Details | Couplet |

Time changes things

There's a pregnant woman in a TV commer-
cial ad 
Who's crooning to the baby writing a letter 
to it both sad and glad 
Then with tears coursing down the cheeks
She announces the waiting's over in few 
more weeks 
In perhaps 15 years give or take a few
She's got more tears and now is in an 
angry stew 
Where has that damn kid gone is he in 
trouble again?
She has forgotten the feelings she had 
back then

Copyright © Elizabeth Smith | Year Posted 2016