Funny Pain Poems | Funny Poems About Pain

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Details | Limerick |

Jogger and Logger

For "Show Me the Funny (part two)"

There once was a fellow a woggin'*
Who bumped into one who was loggin'
They had quite a spat
The ax was a bat
And the first had a lump on his noggin

* Woggers are those who get all dressed for jogging, but only go at walking speed, while vigorously pumping their arms to delude themselves that they are jogging.

Copyright © Isaiah Zerbst | Year Posted 2013

Details | Sonnet |

Literally A Sonnet About A Hornet

Oh buzz off you crazy crazy hornet
Trying to land here upon my buttock,
Here I am eating my crispy cornet
Lazing naked in my garden hammock.

Tried to coax it with my berry ice cream
But alas it seems unprepared or blind,
Dancing upon an invisible beam
Homing in on me with a one track mind.

Could it be I’ve enhanced the essence air
With a gross wind to further relieve me,
Or is this a mock symphony of flair
Of a Britain’s got talent “Bumble Bee?”

His “The classical flight” winning first prize
In pain my swelling one hell of a size!

Copyright © harry horsman | Year Posted 2015

Details | Narrative |

Call Me Gonzo

For thoose of you who may not know.
Just call me gonzo I write the absurd for life is insane and sometimes 
it takes a madman to speak the truth so very clear.

I write for the broken vacant faces that have lost all hope.
To the dreamer who's well is slowley running dry from everyone
telling him to stop wasting his time.

I write like a endless highway fueled by whiskey and wild women 
every adventure leads to pain but life is pain and i love in spite of it.

I thirst for every unseen mile the desert my brother it's people dwell
in the spirt of the west the opium parlors and brothels spirt still linger.
I write with a hint of danger and a promise of disaster.

Im a blues player whos trying to out run the devil.
Im a outlaw riding to cross the border a woman looking to the 
empty range for my return.

I write because I breath in a world were the creative air has gone 
The bottle sits apon table and I welcome any strangers company
I just rather that stranger be a warm woman instead of a 
unfriendly amigo who is a little jelouse.

Write to be more than just part of the highways landscape.
Some may call me crude crazy insane some even vulgar and 
liar and thief.
But aside from thoose compliments.
No matter what you may call me.
Dont ever forget to just call me gonzo.

Copyright © DR Robert Gonzo | Year Posted 2010

Details | Limerick |

Ask Marugu Mo

Where do all the great poets go?
If you ask me so, I would say, "I don't know"
There must be some hidden pain
Writing poems relieves their brain
Dear ones are their poems greatest foe

Where do all the great poets go?
Ask the river, ask the melting snow
They may say, " He was just here
With his grief - eyes full of tears"
Writing poems does not pay also

Where do all the great poets go?
Ask the sun, ask the shining rainbow
They may say, " He was just here
Got caught with his write - in fear"
Dear ones are their poems greatest foe

Where do all the great poets go?
Ask the moon, ask Marugu Mo
There are problems in their life
They can't help but face the strife
Writing poems does not pay also


P.S. : Poet Marugu Mo, himself is  a great poet and his name rhymed with my poem nicely. A great poet can only give us some idea where the others have gone, so I have used his name in the title too. My respectful greetings to Poet Marugu Mo and my dedication goes to him.

Copyright © Anindya Mohan Tagore | Year Posted 2016

Details | Haiku |


When someone says break
A leg is never offered
As the sacrifice

Copyright © David Aaron | Year Posted 2015

Details | Rhyme |

Hope For The Middle Aged

A strange thing has happened in our lives
They call it middle age
Which I think is overrated
Definitely not all the rage.
We don’t know what changes there will be
Upon awaking each morning
But there are signs our years are advancing
Our bodies are giving us warning.
One day, I found quite surprising
And much to my chagrin,
While gazing in the mirror
A granny hair under my chin!
And as my spouse was starting his day
His body moving about
I heard him utter a groan
As one of his knees gave out.
When we were kids, we played outdoor games
I remember when “tag” was in
But now it’s turned into this ugly little thing
We find hanging from our skin.
There are other changes I could mention.
The list goes on and on.
But it’s really not the type of change
That I wish to dwell upon.
The change that I am longing for,
For which my spirit does sigh;
Will take place in a moment,
In the twinkling of an eye.
When the Lord returns to earth
And splits the Eastern sky
Caught up to meet him in the air
To heaven, I will fly.
This body, now slowly fading
Puts on immortality
Gone, the limitations of this flesh,
In his likeness, I will be.
Truly this is the change
That I’m longing to see take place
And forever I will be satisifed
When at last, I behold His face!

Copyright © Carol Connell | Year Posted 2017

Details | Burlesque |

The Impatient Patient

Today's true tom tale;

Today was Dr. day at the clinic
I ended up the day quite a cynic
I'd been awake three days,
With a toothache and pain that slays
My jagged teeth cutting up my tongue
And the promise of help to which I clung
For no more of this pain could I endure,
I desperately did seek some kind of cure

Appointment at 2:15- told the taxi 1:30
I knew the fib was a tad dirty...
"Hedge the bet" one might say,
Sad to think one must be that way,
Of course in this case he showed up at 1PM
And I was in the waiting room at 1:15
Fastest response I'd ever seen.

So I sat in the waiting room as
Clerical shifts came and went
My patience seemed nearly spent

At last I was escorted to an examining room,
To sit and ponder my future doom...
For over an hour I sat there,
Reading all the posters on the wall,
About various diseases,
Soon I had them all!
Cervical cancer,
Malignant volvulus,
Infected ovaries,
Fibroid tumors in my uterus,
A glumaceous gluteus,
Obstructed bowels,
Deviated septum
Anemia, edemia
Enlarged prostate,
Shrunken prostate
Eczema, Lupus
All these for me!

I hoped he didn't keep me 
waiting too much longer,
Surely I wasn't getting stronger....
I'd be dead in ten more afflictions
If he could not cure all these conditions.

I felt my life force start to fade
Look at what these posters made!
Surely life was slipping away,
I couldn't stand,
I began to sway.

In he finally came,
Suddenly I did not feel
the same,
I might survive the day after all,
My approaching death grew
rather small.

Next time, bring a book,
For in terms of time,
It hardly took,
Much time to catch
All these ills,
Or at least come in,
With made out wills.

Copyright © tom bell | Year Posted 2008

Details | Free verse |

My Boredom Disease

Like sick allergies, 
Boredom can be passed around

Like a horrid storm,
Boredom can catch you off guard
Hold on for DEAR LIFE!

Like the whooping cough,
Boredom can be serious
If I were you, I’d
Get a vaccination ! 

Copyright © JW Earnings | Year Posted 2013

Details | Rhyme |

The Doctor Is A Dead Man Walking

Bob had a special talent
That only worked in his men’s store.
He had ‘clothing ESP’.
He knew what his customers wanted…and more.

When customer would come into his store
Bob would invariably say, 
“Hello. I'm Bob. Don’t say a word.
I already know what you need today.”

And he was always right,
Never missed a color, fabric, style or size.
He even knew the necessary alterations.
Customers couldn’t believe their ears and eyes.

Meanwhile, in another part of town,
Joe had a pounding, relentless migraine
For every minute for more than five years,
It had driven him near insane.

He’d lost his job to the pain.
Then, he lost his wife.
He had lost a lot of weight and rarely slept.
Yes, his was a miserable life.

And, of course,  sex was out of the question…
Even a little self-abuse.
There was nothing left for Joe but pain.
He felt his life was of no use.

So, Joe went to his doctor.
“Doc, please help me end this pain.
Give me something to make me sleep
And never wake up again.”

“You know I can’t assist your suicide.”,
Then he looked sad, perhaps ashamed.
“I never dreamed it would last five years,
But I know how to end the pain.”

“You can make it go away?!
Tell me, Doc!  What’s the word?”
“I’ll have to remove your testicles.”
Was the last thing that Joe heard.

But…when he came to, it struck him.
Sex was out of the question anyway;
But he might enjoy his meals again,
And he could sleep for days.

“Please check me in, Doc.
This opportunity I cannot shirk.”
So, the doctor removed his testicles.
He did his very best work.

A few days later, Joe waddled along,
Headache free and feeling pretty nice;
But every attractive woman he saw 
Reminded him of his sacrifice.

He decided it was appropriate
To do something nice for himself for a change.
So, he went into a travel agency;
And a six month cruise he arranged.

As he left the travel agency,
He was excited, feeling ready to go;
But for such a glorious adventure,
He would need new clothes.

As he walked along, he saw Bob’s Men's Store.
He walked in, only to hear Bob say,
“Hello.  I’m Bob. Don’t say a word.
I already know what you need today.”

“How could you know?” asked Joe.
“It’s a gift.  I don’t know how, but I do.
You’ve suffered five years with an ailment,
Found relief, so now you’re taking a cruise.” 

Joe could not believe his ears.
How could this stranger possibly know?
"You're right! That's amazing!
And I'm going to need new clothes." 

Bob then laid out a fabulous wardrobe
All the right colors, fabrics, styles…and each size.
Joe was incredibly impressed.
He could hardly believe his ears and eyes.

“How do you like the wardrobe?”
“It’s wonderful!”  Bob could see that Joe was pleased.
“Now,” said Bob, “What about undergarments;
You know…shorts and tees?

Let’s see…medium crew neck tees, all cotton.
I believe that you prefer white….
And jockey shorts, all cotton…. 34s.
Yes, I'm sure that’s right.”

Joe beamed, “You’re an amazing talent
And I just this second realized,
You've laid out this entire wardrobe
And only missed one size.”

Bob, surprised by his mistake, asked, “Really?
What did I miss?  I did my best for you.”
“Well…you’re right.” said Joe, “I do wear Jockeys,
But…well…I wear 32s.

“Oh, no!” said Bob with an ugly grimace.
“That would be a serious mistake.
Thirty-twos will cramp your balls, 
You’ll get migraine headaches.”

Copyright © Robert Candler | Year Posted 2014

Details | Rhyme |

My Valentine

I knew I was in danger 
The day our wedding was
When the preacher asked do you take this woman
You answered He does
We've had a long long marriage and I hope it doesn't end
But you should have married Obama 
Because you both know how to spend
The police stopped me in another city 
Are you lost they wanted to know
I told them no, i'm married
My wife tells me where to go
I took off my ring because 
You'll never let me be
I was perfect until I put it on 
Then you found a thousand faults with me
You were a pain in the house 
But I thought that it would pass
Then I stood with you out into the yard
And you were a pain in the grass
You wanted a gift with a message
For our twentieth anniversary
So I bought you a set of luggage
What more could you want from me
The lobotomy made me happy
And I'm still glad you're mine
So, on this day of love
Will you be my Valentine
I know that you don't like my poem
But it was all in fun
So won't you be my Valentine
And put down that freakin' gun.

Copyright © Vince Suzadail Jr. | Year Posted 2012

Details | Haiku |


Lookin' after pests
Keepin' a CLOSE eye on 'em
"Those wild animals!"

Roamin' around zoo
Searchin' for sneaky monkey
Hidin' in a tree

Zookeeper gets mad
"Where's Marty, the smartypants!?"
"He TOOK my cage keys!"

Copyright © JW Earnings | Year Posted 2013

Details | Bio |

Solitude: To Yoda, An Ode

Green bark a prism creates,
Feel the pull of earth, you must.

Rotates, a slime of endless hates,
Can hold me not, this world’s crust.

Friendship’s ties, isolation Deflates,
Succumbs, my spaceship, to bitter rust.

Mist, my soul forever permeates,
Lift-off, booms the rocket’s thrust.

My spirit when light returns, elates,
Swamps swell, swallowed hope’s swirling dust.

Trapped, I am, until student from fate
Arrives to learn; Cloud City or bust.

Copyright © Dan Keir | Year Posted 2013

Details | Light Poetry |

- On Thin Ice -

Aware .....
Did someone see
My butt is sore
Did someone see
Now I'm sure both yellow and blue
Did someone see
I look around quickly
Did someone see
I wish I could shout loud
Did someone see
I get up in a hurry
Did someone see
I wet my butt
Did someone see

A-L  Andresen :)

Copyright © Sunshine Smile | Year Posted 2013

Details | Free verse |

Conspiracy: Who Killed The Easter Bunny

A crowded table, all suspended in shock 
The sound of the shot dimming to a ‘knock’
Only silence, except for the marching clock
The weapon still smoking; an anonymous glock

Loud cries arise from the elongated table,
Jack Frost is shocked, the Tooth Fairy unable
To speak whilst Santa is checking the stable
For clues on the erstwhile maidservant Mable

They searched for hours, called in C.S.I,
Panic set in, would the children all cry?
Sandman confirmed the bunny had died
Batman suspected somebody had lied

Guests were quizzed, interrogations began
The mystery unfolded when Santa Claus ran,
Grabbing the pies, he tried escaping in a van
But was stopped in his tracks by superman

Copyright © Dan Keir | Year Posted 2013

Details | Free verse |

Hyperbolic Mind

Labyrinth of headache and heartache
Cold steel walls
Surrounding and compounding
Trapped passageways
Constrict and conflict

Navigating carefully
To avoid the hellish realms
Checking my three and my six
But still exist my qualms

The lava burns as my stomach churns
The firey glow awaits regardless of my turn
Finally i've been ensnared
And so I sigh and despair
I was expecting the curse
And so I bid thee
Do thy worst

How naive
How comically foolish!

The embers surge into my eyes
Siring, stinging, burning
Whites falling to red dyes
Pain, needles, drying
I seal it tight and my muscles fight
Tears seep out through impenetrable defences
And again, the blinding light
Locked up lids
But of the needles I cannot rid
Fire, fire, massive torrents of pain
World blurs as fists swing into tiles
Anger, consuming!
Must withhold for a while...

Blinded like a bat
My eyes scream and complain
For all I know is pain
To forgo the hurt and the heck
Tell me i'm near death

The tissue is clutched
Forced into my face
Ahhh, cleansing serenity
The needles, done away

Then I got out of the shower

Copyright © Michael Whatley | Year Posted 2015

Details | Rhyme |

Let'er Rip

Let'er Rip and Shoot from the Hips
My pants got hung as I start to unzip!
Let'er Rip and Shoot from the Hips
With the pain from the nip I start to skip!
Let'er Rip and Shoot from the Hips
I guess the women are right I'm well equip!

  T Reams

Copyright © TAMMY REAMS | Year Posted 2015

Details | Free verse |

Have You Ever Read

Dedicated to an author by the name of William Golding... Enjoy!!!

~Two boys meet on an island
~~One is skin 'n bones
~~~The other one is chubby

They discover a lagoon~
Ralph teases him by calling~~
him "Piggy" -  how mean!!~~~

Piggy asks him if
There are other people on 
The island with 'em

He has no clue
But this'll answer Piggy's question --
Other boys appear - 
All diverse shapes and sizes
What'll happen next??

You'll see...

Have you ever read The Lord of the Flies?
I recommend it if yah haven't read it yet - I must admit
It's a book full of adult words and it's simply...FASCINATING! - no lies
You should read it - or you'll regret it!

Copyright © JW Earnings | Year Posted 2013

Details | Free verse |

Soy Sauce Spills

Soy sauce drains 
Into the white, clustered rice
Stepped on…
spills . . . 
Soy sauce taints
The whiteness of the grain
 It slips out of my hands
No point in crying out in rage
Though I was starving, 
I'll just eat another thing and start on a new page

I'm hungry like a swine
I wish I can earn back my snack!
I'm as angry as a bull
I'm about ready to attack! Attack!
Soy sauce packages
Fall unto the dirty school ground
Stepped on
By bratty, conceited teens
They really need to eat their greens
Instead of junkfood and pizza
They should drink some water
Instead of drinking sugary drinks or
 Sucking on popsicles obnoxiously
Why did the soy sauce spill? Seriously....

Copyright © JW Earnings | Year Posted 2013

Details | I do not know? |

Forgetfulness x-x

Oh no!! I forgot – I had a plate of dessert In the cool freezer Oh no!! Dad forgot – He left his blue bowl of fruit On the clean counter!

Copyright © JW Earnings | Year Posted 2013

Details | Free verse |

No Party For Pity

 No party for pity. 
 Question the absurdity. 
 Friends, use discretion 
 if you get an invitation. 
 It's counterfeit. 
 Don't believe it. 
 Don't RSVP, 
 if you receive it. 
 Discard immediately. Don't contemplate. 
 It'll lead you nowhere. Don't save the date. 
 No early, late, or on time arrivals. 
 The doorbell is silent. 
 No lively dinner guests, 
 dressed in their best. 
 No hors d'oeuvres served on a fancy plate. 
 No thought-provoking conversations. 
 No guestbook to sign. 
 No vintage wine. 
 No catered food. 
 No live music for the mood. 
 No celebration for pity's pains. 
 No "congratulations,"  for complaints.         
 No party here. Discard the invitation. 
 Pity's alone, in bitter contemplation.

Copyright © Juliet Ligon | Year Posted 2014

Details | Limerick |

Dental Procedure

Once upon a time recently
To dentist went confidently
He gave huge novacaine
Suppose to ease my pain
To my heart went incidently

The dentist chiseled tooth away
I didn't want to play rest of day
The morning after~Oh! well
I'll just say, upon pain did dwell  
But money to him still will pay

Sponsor: Black-Eyed Susan
Contest: The Worst Morning After
Written Monday, July 22, 2013
One week since the procedure
and I am still having some pain..
My heart still hasn't settled completely 

Copyright © Sara Kendrick | Year Posted 2013

Details | Blitz |

All In Curl

give it away
give it all
all for what
all for nothing
nothing you bet
nothing yil get
get out there quick
get lost in a ditch
ditch ya wife
ditch ya dog
dog won’t miss ya
dog'll piss ya
ya think yiv got it down
ya haven’t been down under
under what ya say?
under what ya pray?
pray it ain't worth a zack
pray your honey aint outback
outback’n the wild roo’s nestin’ kick
outback and back again he’s slick
slick and kicking for a noice steak
slick and mad as a cut snake 
snake’s got death in his bite
snake’ll ruin a weddin orright
orright’cha got two seconds tah think
orright your seconds gone yeh in a stink
stink in heaps
stink the dunny rat he is
is you thinking in the wild to slack off
is you ready to rack off
off to the waters in a hurray mate
off to the sandy slates run clean
clean as a bottler at sea
clean as ya ever can see
see here we all left our lives
see this is where we feel alive
alive in the wild far from the loo
alive away from the crazy blue
blue sea soppin the sand around
blue surroundin this land we’re proud
proud in the danger of ever
proud to amaze whoever
whoever ya meet
whoever ya see
see chance give it a burl
see um tackle the crock in a curl
curl on his back is a good going off
curl in his teeth yiv gotcha limb torn off

For the Down Under contest
Sponsored by:  Debbie Guzzi
*Don’t think I did this quite right! Though it was fun to try anyhow ^___^

Copyright © Laura Breidenthal | Year Posted 2015

Details | Rhyme |

The Grape Pain

Today I am a grape Hanging on a vine Perhaps to be plucked one day Ending up in someones wine Maybe I'll be bitter One of the worst ones you could eat Or possibly be the most tastey ones The sweetist of the sweet I hang with a bunch of others That I see all through the day Longing to be anywhere But there seems to be no way Seeing alot of other beauties Farther down the line Hoping they will notice me When I'm plump and in my prime though now the nights are getting colder Others have begun to all fall down Bunches of dying grapes Laying everywhere on the ground Unable to handle this madness I'm letting go of this vine tonite So I won't have to wake to this sadness That I must see through each days light
Dan Kearley:9-21-11

Copyright © Dan Kearley | Year Posted 2011

Details | Haiku |


My toes "taste so good"?
Careful with my casted leg!
Crutches keep me safe.

Copyright © David Aaron | Year Posted 2015

Details | Rhyme |


One incident very funny to me happened one day;
so uncommon and weird was it that I couldn’t say
whether it was a reality, a hallucination or a dream:
I was to attend a mermaid-hosted party in a stream;
with this I was surprised, perplexed and proud,
and shouted aloud for the privilege me allowed.

To get to the meeting venue fast, I booked a flight,
but I arrived at the airport late_ a  plight to fight;
I only saw the plane take off_  the flight was missed;
resolute not to miss the meeting, I decided to be bussed.

Actually, I boarded the bus safely and was ready
for the go; the bus roared to life and moved with speed steady;
all of a sudden, we came to a halt in the middle of nowhere;
back to status quo! I won’t retire till I acquire what I desire!

I thought of going by train, but it was too slow;
then I made up my mind that I’d in a boat go;
unfortunately, the boat capsised! We were saved
by sheer luck; I must get to where my mind craved.

Having used all the available transport media
and I remained in my progressless position earlier;
I made the funniest ever possible decision:
to go on foot_trekking_was the decision.

Even with this I wasn’t successful_
evil forces wanted not my success full;
as I was planning to start going,
my legs failed me_they ceased working!

I, in this confused state of mind, slept off;
when I woke up, I saw a letter-like stuff;
‘Come you must against all odds,’ said the fairy letter;
‘What next?’ Annoyed, I shouted and tore the letter.

Copyright © Habeebullahi Basorun | Year Posted 2013

Details | I do not know? |

Pain as a Hobby VI

You’re too selfish you think I’m talking about you!
Hoping the next girl I meet is much richer
So she don’t have the mentality her p**** is as good as cash
Call me genuine 
It has to be more than that that you’re offering me
But definitely it is a weakness and you use it to exploit me
Make it drip and here comes the money tree
But only if it includes all of the Victoria Secret models in my bedroom
Yes, every single one if not - Hasta La Vista!
I’m stingy
But I can take care of me
I don’t believe in dipping in my federal reserve
And blowing it at a strip club and for what
Just to leave and go back into reality
Pain as a hobby
I’m outside in the big van asking for blood
But I will reserve you a plane ticket to get the f*** outta here
An artist unsigned and unheard of 
But all of that has changed now
I started my own companies
Named it after my daughter and my future son King so
The whole family is making a killing
I can’t wait to see her pick up the mic
And pick up the pad and write
Hell, she can be an astronaut if she likes because her
Dad is in her life
I am robbing Peter and Paul
To make sure she has everything she needs
To be successful
If you get too close to the words I speak
You may see the yellow caution tape
I have you figured out outlined in chalk
Beware, I don’t offer hazard pay.
Kind of the way Yulli and I collaborate 
It’s an incinerator 
Your eyes ripping through the words
And causing a fire storm
Now you’re like superman can’t control 
The heat rays
Don’t burn up yet
That’s the same thing that happened to Freddie Krueger
Once the flames engulf you
We coming for you in your dreams
Don’t go to sleep 
Pain as a hobby
I mean what I say

Copyright © Tavarus M. Moreland | Year Posted 2010

Details | Grook |

back pain

I sit here with lower back pain
Need to see the doctor
 ……………..pationnnnah driving me insane

*don't know if it would be classed as a grook, never wriiten one before*

Copyright © Sidney Hall Mad Poet | Year Posted 2010

Details | Triolet |



They can be such a pain in the arse

Never listen unless it suits

Living with them is such a farce

They can be such a pain in the arse

Intelligence is rather sparse

Never listen unless it suits

They can be such a pain in the arse

Never listen unless it suits

If only the good Lord Had been an engineer

What bliss to be a fellow

They would have switches by their ear

If only the good Lord had been an engineer

Speech On or Off and fertile On or Off. That's clear

What bliss to be a fellow

If only the good Lord had been an engineer

What bliss to be a fellow

Copyright © Brian Terry | Year Posted 2012

Details | Rhyme |

Medical Science

Here I sit again once more
Another doctor visit today,
More lab work and tests
I just want the pain to go away.

One doctor says its this
Another says its something new,
I'm still left without any answers
While over the weeks my pain grew.

Is this all such a mystery
Are things really so complicated,
Tell me when i'll find this out
Will the pains to the results be related.

Many have faith in medicine
Say doctor's were made by man,
Why do they take their precious time
This is something I'll never understand.

I'm finally in an axam room
Told the doctor will come in a bit,
If i wasnt in so much pain right now
I'd walk out and say forget it.

Copyright © Jodie Steward | Year Posted 2007

Details | Free verse |

The Eternal Infernos of Pain

Front and Center!
Those Gates adorned with pearls in Heaven.
White angels soaring. 

If by chance, 
Ordered to enter;
Through St. Peter's Permission; 
I demand from you chancellor; 
A swift insanity plea, submission. 
For this troubled soul is plagued, 
By vast displays of wicked ways. 

None lost. 
Courtesy of meticulous examination. 
Love lost. 

Diligence pending Investigation. 
Key Evidence, perpetually documented 
In Sin's ominous catalog. 
Rebuke my Judge! 
For multitudes of shortcomings, 
He failed to ascertain. 

Moreover, present was He, 
When Satan drafted me. 
First round,
Pick three.
His Fantasy League...
"The Eternal Infernos of Pain" 

JS Lambert

Copyright © JSLambert Mister ROBOTO | Year Posted 2011