Worthy Or Not

When you died you left me a broken gift on your doorstep words unspoken, your letters, photos bitter tokens of the years before. How you exposed your lovely flaws and I held in my utter awe of you- my fear and shame were raw- I wondered if you knew... That I was unworthy of your kindness, at your worst you beat my best- a fraud, a lie, a frumpy mess- I couldn't let you see! So, I shut down and didn't call, left you alone to rise or fall, and never knew I was your "all" (you somehow needed me?)   When I withdrew how much I lost... how much you cried, how much it cost, worlds of hurt exploded across our tiny universe.   And while I cracked- you crumbled, caved, imploded in (too late to save) and slipped into an early grave- that I can't forgive myself.   My insecurity, foolish pride, fear of rejection rotting inside- I bitterly swallow the love denied- poison of my heart.   An honorable death, the "end" of me, no longer important there are others to see... love to give and to receive, worthy or not- I've been set free to love and be myself.