Since I was little you have been around me. My parents enjoyed you as well as their friends. You made the adults loud at the party full of joy and filled with sorrow come the ensuing mornings. You have always been around me. Coors light cans and empty wine bottles in the bin as I left for school, seeing you as something that made us happy and stupid. Dumb and delirious. Loose and hazy, our heads a pulsing merry go round. Something to help us forget. When I was 18 I was drawn to you. You filled me with confidence and boosted my self esteem. You made it easier to fill my slice in the conversation, you always made it easier. You helped me get laid, and you lead my dad to jump off roofs. You helped me make friends and made me swerve on the road. You made me feel more comfortable and more sick as the time progressed. You made me into fun stories and flamed my parents fights. You have always polarized my world. You helped alleviate my deepest fears and helped the noise within me and around me amplify. You caused me to love and disregard simultaneously. You made me pass out in my own vomit and helped bring out the chaos in me when the sober me wanted to put a lid on everything. You made me look up to the bathroom light, pale as a ghost, white as the fog saying never again. You made me feel like I was on top of the world. You made and destroyed my best and closest relationships. You were involved in every regret I have in some form or another. You have always seemed to be around. You made me want one more and you made me go out my way to find you. Carrying you in my cushioned backpack, afraid of breaking you although you have always been known to break me. You illuminate my mind and leave my skin dehydrated and colorless. You kept me warm at night, leading vibrant conversations under the stars. You made me emotional beyond belief, and motionless after the neons swerved out of the picture and the morning sun thats on its way. Trees in the window and a white blank room. Mad or happy, my breath was heavy with your fragrance. You were on my mind all the time.
You became more important to me. As the pain increased so did you. After sleepless nights I clung more and more to you. You became required and established residence. I failed to see my life without you for just one day. More constant and consistent. You made me puke in corporate office bathrooms, terrified to hear the sound of the door swinging wide open and loafers tracking the white linoleum floor. You almost made me starve, and you made me more sick.
I am happy to let you go, and finally let my hands rest. I am thankful I saved myself from our destructive past, which is right where I’d like to keep you. I still see you all around but remain diligent to keep you out of focus. Its nice we went back to being strangers. Its nice that I can sleep again, although we reunite in our dreams. I miss you but I do not miss me. I still see you despite you failing to influence whats inside of me. You will always be around me, but my prophecy remains on the morning horizon. You are no longer with me.
Copyright © Nate Callas | Year Posted 2020
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