Why am I saying willingly?

He did not tell me anything bad, till I needed to sit down till my legs ended to shake. Just because of what happend before He was asking me stuff or just some help, I needed to turn away and ask other people what they thought, couldn't tell him that I didn't know. Just because of what happend before I needed to look her twice in the eye, to feel good about what she has said, mad about, that she is making me mad, even though she is just kindly smiling ahead. Just because of what happend before I am always talking about scenarios what if, but there is nothing like such. Life made us meet, and now grew us apart. I mean when we were talking, it was always just because school said so, the weather said so, your parents said so, but not because your mind said so. I mean when you turned to me and talked, you saw how my voice broke off, suddenly I was all shy and scared to say something wrong, and said it is enough.