What If
What if the incessant torture didn’t happen
so many dark times, but it’s unimaginable
for you to comprehend isn’t it?
No one knows, the tragedies that left me
so crippled, you can’t fathom, the depth of
the sins they committed against me.
What if my father didn’t knock me down
the stairs as he spat his poison on me,
leaving me in an insufferable existence.
What if my mom protected me from
the cruelty and abuse, or showed love
I wouldn’t have hung my head in shame.
What if the kids at school didn’t shove me
against the wall shouting obscenities I
could’ve learned how to make friends.
What if my peers didn’t cause heart
wrenching pain in my teenage years, I
wouldn’t have tried Drugs to End My Life.
What if that bad man didn’t expose his
genitals when I was 6, I wouldn’t have
chose men who abused me.
What if that female relative didn’t kick
me in the stomach, laughing as I vomited
and collapsed, I could’ve trusted woman.
What if the other female relative’s drunken
boyfriend didn’t kick me in the eye detaching
my retina, I could’ve had faith in family.
What if, my employer showed kindness as I
arrived with black eyes, instead of forcing me
to work where everyone could see my shame.
What if that employer tried to help me when a
car struck me, altering my body, as I limped into
work with a full leg cast, instead they fired me.
What if anyone cared, after hit and run, I dragged
my body and leg cast across the floors tending to
personal needs, feeling utter ruin and isolation.
What if I was treated humanely in that rented
room instead the landlord locked the bathroom
forcing me to urinate in a garbage can.
What if someone asked me why I was crying
at my desk when I arrived at work the day
after being drugged in an attempted rape.
What if, those attempted rapes didn’t happen
while living in Florida, night terrors persist,
once again God gave me means to escape.
What if that employer didn’t try to touch
me when he found out my father died and
I had nowhere to live and no other income.
What if that boyfriend didn’t tell me he
tried to pass his illness onto me so I’d
suffer, he failed, I fell to God’s mercy.
What if that other boyfriend didn’t punch
my face asserting he’d cause disfigurement
so no one would ever look at me again.
What if many of the people I met didn’t beat
me down so hard until I lie in blood and despair
as they murdered an already wounded soul.
What if there wasn’t such violence against
me, I wouldn’t have bled on those I loved most
while in the devastation of my poorest sorrow.
What did happen was that I never forgot
the many horrific incidents which led to a
deplorable life full of abuse and mistakes.
Consequently, I record my pain here giving
a mere glimpse into the suffocation of a
lowly spirit that remains in total darkness.
What if these ruthless people didn’t destroy
me; I could’ve been a strong Advocate on
behalf of Victims of Abuse and Persecution.
Despite their disgraceful abuse, I’m hopeful
I can bring healing to the demoralized by my
charitable works and unconditional love.
What if my words can lift up another broken
person, by bringing them the slightest bit
of hope that God will lead them to safety.
What if I wasn’t a damaged mother, there
wouldn’t be pain in my son’s wearied eyes
for having to cope with severe hardships.
I pray for forgiveness from my sweet son,
as I caused his gentle heart pain, which
will haunt me until death.
Still, though, I implore God to show His mercy
and kindness while raising me up out of this
hell to the heavens so I can finally be at peace.
Copyright © Diane Perna | Year Posted 2023
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