What I Gave

05/13/14 What I Gave Why sleep when dreams of her only cause me to spiral deeper? What once woke me up smiling now jolts my body awake in cold sweats. No more are the nights where my mind drifts away into the peaceful happiness of her arms before easing into sleep. Now I lay waiting. Waiting for my mind to relinquish its control over my body in a fit of exhaustion, praying for the comfort of a dreamless sleep. But no such ease comes. And behind my eyelids I see her shining red hair flick across her face exposing her bright blue beautiful eyes. My soul yearns for even another second of those eyes as reality sets in and they quickly fade with the growing roar of my alarm. I reach out, begging her to stay, but those blue eyes only smile and turn away. Gone until night falls and my mind weakens, letting her in once again. Consciousness slips in once more as my eyes flick open, desperately searching for her. My body stammers up in full alert, somehow believing that in that instant that she was there. My head falls back onto my pillow, and I stare at the ceiling, wishing today could be easier. That her memory could take a moment of relief from subjecting me to hours of torment. Also to no avail. In every detail I find a connection to her, reiterating the total loneliness and emptiness that is all that remains inside of me. But I know that love remains. Somewhere beneath the heaping pile of solitude and pain, a spark still burns, begging to be reignited. It never will be though. What I gave was everything. Everything that I can’t get back, and everything that I shouldn’t want. Despite her happiness and mine, the love became a poison to her and her beliefs. And nothing is worth bringing so much pain to the love of your life.