What have I turned to??

WHAT HAVE I TURNED TO?? I'm asking myself this question every now and then,because this is not who I was years back.I don't understand how I expeditiously changed from being happy,free-spirited person to this depressed,self-centered and suicidal person. I started to feel ennui within a short space.I'm so reclusive even though I know that I tend to have suicidal thoughts when I'm alone,but I think my narcissism also makes it hard for me to form genuine relationships with others. I've lost myself help me find the real me.