What Happens In the Past, Stays In the Mind

What happens in the past, stays in the mind. Sitting on the floor,  pen in hand, a wealth of books surround me, comfortable in my familiarity. Studying was my sole mission; achieving only excellence my greatest aim. Suddenly a flash! Vivid sounds, historic pictures, acrid smells all at once confusing my senses, relentlessly bombarding me. Strangely familiar to my inner soul, eerily unknown to my conscious mind. Without warning they were gone, vanished,  as if they'd never been. I fleetingly pondered stress maybe, or perhaps a mind overwhelmed with tired eyes? Shaking off all unease ever stoic reslove returned me to my scattered pages. The security found in peace of mind, the refusal to admit now short lived. Eve after eve this  crushing wave of confusion interrupts my brain, Harassing my troubled senses all at once. Eve after eve the depth of picture it paints reveals ugly truths with increasing clarity. A carpet- I recognise, A nightdress- I remember, A cologne- I could never forget... NO! I refuse, NO! I rage, Indignant i cry out, NOT ME! Alcohol, alcohol is what I need. Too great a  desire to still these haunting thoughts, To quieten the tormenting demons determined to rise from my deep. Disgust, self loathing, how can I ever get clean? Was it my fault, did I ask for it? It must be something I did, the frightened child inside believes. Weeks pass, horrowingly studying continues in vain, striving to be the focus once again. Alcohol befriends me, blinding my red rimmed eyes from these tormented creatures within. In this one true friend I find a conceited sanctuary, a place to block out the pain. To live without feeling, numbing the ever present anguish that grows inside. Years pass, sunken cheeks and lines etched on my skin evidence that intrusions grow ever bolder. For stubbornly they are unwilling to stay tamed under lock and key, Ravishing my very core, increasingly enraging me, their time to surface has been reached. Defeated. Crushed. Broken into a million  pieces, each one damaged beyond repair. I can no longer play this tireless game of hide and seek. Body and mind having now become the host to a greater evil - Fear. It takes up residence in me, the unwelcomed guest that never leaves. Fear of acknowledgement,  fear of acceptance,  fear to face and live life once again. A true reminder that what happens in the past, stays in the mind.