Wait it out

My chest feels heavy. My shoulders are rising up to my ears. All I did was think about the future. Even if I had thought of anything else- The present, The past, The only thing left that I can feel is terrified. Maybe the world can't hurt me from my bedroom. If I hide out here long enough, maybe you'll leave. I'll take up residency under these blankets. I'll form my own city within these four walls. A democracy of patience for myself, Of kindness, of treating myself well. Still the default setting set in my head is to accept this abuse as if it is love. When I feel terrified or resigned, I tell myself I want you. What I really want is love without pain. I want love without terror and shouting. Without you making me hyperventilate over things like laundry or vacuuming. I want the freedom to feel like myself again. I want to see my friends again. I don't want to be isolated to only this. I want to feel love from someone and know it is always there. I want to feel safe. I want to listen to the voice that has been screaming inside of me for so long. I want that voice to scream so loud I finally hear it clearly. I want that voice to shake this home to the ground, For it to clear me a path out of this. I understand its my fault too. I shouldn't have thought you'd change. I should never have expected you to. You are you, and honestly, I'll always love you for you. But I cannot accept a love that hurts so much. I cannot bear witness to this any longer; I cannot lose myself any more than I already have in this hurricane we called Love. Its dangerous, And it'll really, really hurt. But I'm taking the life raft. I need to save myself.