Wait it out
My chest feels heavy.
My shoulders are rising up to my ears.
All I did was think about the future.
Even if I had thought of anything else-
The present,
The past,
The only thing left that I can feel is terrified.
Maybe the world can't hurt me from my bedroom.
If I hide out here long enough, maybe you'll leave.
I'll take up residency under these blankets.
I'll form my own city within these four walls.
A democracy of patience for myself,
Of kindness, of treating myself well.
Still the default setting set in my head is to accept this abuse as if it is love.
When I feel terrified or resigned,
I tell myself I want you.
What I really want is love without pain.
I want love without terror and shouting.
Without you making me hyperventilate over things like laundry or vacuuming.
I want the freedom to feel like myself again.
I want to see my friends again.
I don't want to be isolated to only this.
I want to feel love from someone and know it is always there.
I want to feel safe.
I want to listen to the voice that has been screaming inside of me for so long.
I want that voice to scream so loud I finally hear it clearly.
I want that voice to shake this home to the ground,
For it to clear me a path out of this.
I understand its my fault too.
I shouldn't have thought you'd change.
I should never have expected you to.
You are you, and honestly,
I'll always love you for you.
But I cannot accept a love that hurts so much.
I cannot bear witness to this any longer;
I cannot lose myself any more than I already have in this hurricane we called Love.
Its dangerous,
And it'll really, really hurt.
But I'm taking the life raft.
I need to save myself.
Copyright © Jess Marlo | Year Posted 2025
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