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The anticipation The gratification To watch the blood flow back It must be self control I lack I can feel the relief No matter how brief My security blanket With it I never have to fake it The warm fuzzy feeling Leaves me reeling For more Will I ever be able to close the door? To say goodbye Or is that just a lie Reality I can not deny Because there has been so many times that I did try Believing that I would die Not afraid of death A wish I once had Able to live in the pain The pain going to make everything okay Each time only myself I betray No explanation Only devastation Then realization Self destruction I know well Walked through the depths of hell What a story to tell They say time heals all But I'm still waiting Anticipating Always hesitating Frustrating Then devastating Brings me to my knees Has me begging please God help me Put a period where I had a question mark Justifiable resentments that's what they say I have Something's only God can forgive The past is where I live My heart broken Words never spoken 3am screams Waking from dreams Tortured and bound Screaming without making a sound Peace no where around Im up off my knees No more begging please Walk with my head held high The odds I must defy