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The things I feel, I struggle to express. The frustration that grows within me as if I was thrashing in the water trying to gain air. I just can't breach the surface. I can't reach but I keep fighting. It's like I'm wrapped in heavy wet blankets and my arms and legs are tied together. The more I struggle the worse it gets til my whole body is exhausted and the fatigue makes my body weak and tremble. I look at others and their fake life and how they put on Aires and act like everything is wonderful and great, and I wish more than anything I could be like them. That I could just act like or maybe even really feel like nothing was or is wrong. This heart of mine has never been cared for or taken care of, It's been beat bruised and broken over and over and used. Yet I stay the way I am. And beg for love like a dog begging for table scraps. Just hoping for attention and love I'm a good boy. Looking every where for acceptance and care. Only finding lies and distrust. Blame and non accountability for others own actions. Never will I feel safe or truly cared for. Heard a quote said we don't get mad at kids for being scared of the dark but then we surprised by men that are scared of the light. None of my hurt my pain or scars came from a monster in the dark, every single one came from the people I knew, loved and cared for. so the monster aren't ugly dark hiding gross things. They are and forever will always be the smiling faces that speak as a friend and confidant. The real monsters hide in the ones closest to you. Smiling faces turn to evil whispers and speak your name to drag you down to their level. They smile and even say they love you but then turn around and giggle and laugh and talk behind your back. Just sharpening the blades they will use to slowly cut at you as they watch the red slowly leaks out and drips onto their shoes and then get mad at you for bleeding on them.