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Unthinkable

There are words choked up in my throat
Words I greatly long to say to you…
But nothing leaves my mouth—my heart…
You are too far away to hear them anyway
Yet somehow…I still can’t say it to myself
I miss you dearly every waking moment
To every dream-filled slumber in the night
Instead I hold everything inside
Letting all of my frets and woes hide…
Yet they always somehow seem to seep through
Without a doubt the ones I care about most
Shy away from me…still somehow they knew

I am breaking and aching so bad tonight
Sometimes I long to end it all…
And I wonder if you’d ever know…
How much the sadness seeps through…
Producing melancholy delight to the viewers
And sometimes fright to significant others
So much pain in my heart that just wants
Someone to know…and yet still closes
Lasting in the uncertainty of your presence
Leaving me in shadows of burning cravings

What I miss most is your delightful smile
The way you seemed to end all of my discomfort
In a twinkling of your constant spring, green eyes
The way you always seemed to know what to say
To break the silence of my disclosed tonsils
My awkward frame and my faltering smiles
You made me real in humor and laughter
Pulling me into your realms of philosophy
I never wanted it to end right then…

But now, without you…I just…
Want to end it all—I want to grab a pistol
And shoot my brains out!
I don’t want to live in this diseased mind
I would rather die than complain in lines
But what I choose is the unthinkable
And I wouldn’t give myself up to add to
Anybody’s sorrow…anyone’s tears
Death and grieving will linger
I couldn’t die right now knowing so many
I love… would break

I still can’t help imagining my funeral
And seeing you there…

It‘s only a thought…please don’t freak…

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