Unspun:In the Orange

I lay in my bed. Thoughts come in waves. When will it end? The Dragon slain. No amount of time. No person, no thing. Can change the fate, That the needle brings. Sights of Orange, Delight my eyes. I pick up a crystal, And to no surprise. I crush it down. In that damn orange cup. I’m so overwhelmed. The sinking feeling abrupt. I carefully decide, The amount to pour. Then mix it with water. And dissolve once more. I take off the cap, To reveal the shine. Of that needle so enticing. That it blows my mind. I feel so small. As I stare at that point. My body quivers. I can’t disappoint. Thoughts of guilt. Invade my brain. But my body keeps saying, This will soon end the pain. So I draw the solution, Into the stem. Then flick it twice. Let the bubbles settle in. I slowly push the air out. That’s collected on top. And wonder to myself, If I will ever stop. But I shrug it away. And again think of pain. Then tie on my tourniquet. And say “ it” again. The veins start to pop. And spread on my skin. They bulge and prod, And trickle within. Sometimes this takes hours. Sometimes days of my life. I get so frustrated. But search on with strife. I stab myself over and over again. Until the blood flows red into my syringe. Seeing the blood, Makes my whole body weak. But I surrender with ease. No more words can I speak. I push the plunger forward, Till she entires my veins. Down to the last drop. Empty and insane. I wait just a second. Pull the needle out. My body turns to fire. This is what it’s all about. From my toes to my head, Her venom spreads. Ecstasy at last. No more feelings of dread. Then the fire fades, Just as quickly as it came. And then there’s just calm. A final break from the shame. I’ve given my life to this process, So many times. The bigger the shot. The bigger the crimes. When I’m in this state, The dragon has one. My mind and my heart, Become unspun. I do terrible things, To all of my friends. My family, my children. But she always wins. I always think I can only do one. But that’s never the case. The cycles just begun. “The devils tool” I’ve heard it said. Takes every ounce of life. And leaves you for dead. But you rise up and start The process once more. A zombie. Tortured chaos. I don’t know anymore.