Sarah Bryant Poet Free verse

Understanding Depression

I open my eyes
Don’t want to wake
I cannot face another day
I sleep as much as possible
Just to waste time
Dreams haunting me relentlessly
I wake crying for the life I once had

Everything seems bleak
No light at the end of the tunnel
No bright future for me
Just misery
Memories of the past
My face laughing
I barely remember it now

Every day is a struggle
I pretend to all I’m ok
I am not of course
Locked within my own dark world
Tears never far
I hate being alive
Being tortured day after day

I sit in the corner
Try not to think
But my brain is in overdrive
Thoughts travel through
At the speed of light
Nothing makes sense
It is all confused
 
Just jumbled is my mind
In my dark depressed world
The loneliest place you could imagine
It traps me and keeps me its prisoner
Sentenced to a life of pain and agony
Assorted thoughts merge into one
I can’t stand the noise in my head 

Not wanting to speak
Fed up having to pretend
I don’t want to worry my family and friends
Some understand
Some don’t
I wish they did
So I don’t have to explain

Sometimes I don’t bother to get dressed
What’s the point?
I never go out
Sometimes I don’t wash 
Or even go to the loo
I will sit for hours in pain 
Because my bladder is so full

I abuse my body
In more ways than one
I have no respect or desires
I don’t live I just exist from day to day
I deserve it
I believe I deserve to die

Thoughts of taking my life
Drift through my head
I am a burden
A drain on everyone I know
No one will miss me
I am nothing to most 
Just a frail frame that cries all the time

If you only knew what my existence is like
The isolation and hopelessness I feel
Fearing no end
Scared to speak the truth
I suspect the doctors know my reality
They learn from books but still don’t get it
Asking stupid questions I refuse to answer

If you only knew how cutting it is
To hear the words “pull yourself together!”
Do you not think I would if I could?
Do you not think I want the same as you?
My heart sinks every time I hear it
And it seems pointless to talk

If only you knew how hard it is
Talking for the sake of it
Pretending to be happy when you’re not
It is tiring
Both pointless and hopeless
Living with this torment night and day
No one understands

No one

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Athena Hoefs January 5, 2016 at 3:56 PM Sarah, I hope that peace is and will find you. Trying to let go of certain past is difficult, as looking into the future is. I also will be there for you friend if you need someone to talk to. [email protected]

Teddy Kimathi December 24, 2015 at 4:11 AM Hi Sarah. Congrats for having your wonderful poem featured in the Poetry Soup homepage! ;-) Sarah Bryant January 5, 2016 at 7:55 AM Thank you Teddy, I missed this, but thank you!

Athena Hoefs December 21, 2015 at 9:25 PM Sarah, Only few know these feelings you have written. If you are in this dark place, my heart has found another hearts fate. Thank you for sharing this. I have written one only about a week or so ago. I did not post it because I wasn't sure there was anyone that would understand why I wrote it. Things were particularly difficult that day. Sarah Bryant January 5, 2016 at 7:53 AM My email is [email protected] or message me on Facebook via my Just Poetry page x Sarah Bryant January 5, 2016 at 7:52 AM Thank you Athena, post your poem, it is a way of helping people to understand this invisible illness. I have lost count of the amount of people who said to me "you look ok". I have good days and bad but Christmas and New Year are particularly difficult! Keep in touch and message me if you are having a bad time!

Anne-Lise Andresen November 23, 2015 at 12:57 PM - It is difficult to understand depression for those who have never experienced it - ..... almost impossible, dear Sarah - Well written - hugs // Anne-Lise :) Sarah Bryant January 5, 2016 at 7:49 AM Thank you so much Anne Lise, I battle with it every day! I know how difficult it is for people to understand, which is why I wrote it :)