Tom Bell Poet Burlesque

Tom the Brainless Baker

Got a great recipe
For cheescake...
Decided to make it once...
My experience was to show me
I really am a dunce...

First I had to whip cream cheese
I threw it in a bowl,
Took out my trusty mixers
And thrust it in the hole

The cream cheese was cold,
The mixers started to smoke,
I guess I should have been told
Let it warm up or you will choke

The mixers got hot, the smoke
got thick,
Though not thicker than my head
A flame shot out,
I threw them down
A bit more and I'd be dead

So now it became a manual thing
An exhaused soon was I
I started to wish, for God's sake,
Why didn't I just buy a pre-baked pie?

Some time later I had to seperate
the eggs,
The yokes from the white,
I knew I was in trouble,
For baking at all that night...

Now it said to "fold-in" the egg whites,
I looked at this quite dismayed
How does one "fold" such a thing?
I now knew I should have prayed...

I should have read these instructions first,
I should have known I was too dumb,
To understand a baker's ways
My brain was surely numb

I scratched my head and wondered
How I was supposed to fold
This gooey messy slop,
I should have been pre- told.

I stared at the bowl for half an hour
My demeanor becoming ever more dour
My first attempt and here I was,
My bakery career already becoming sour...

So I called six friends,
Until I found
Someone to illuminate me
This would be the last 
home-made cheesecake,
That anyone would surely see.

So if you need a wedding cake,
Napoleon is at the oven
And if you wish an eclair,
You must supply me
with the ec....
And if you think I'll bake for you
I'll wring your scrawny neck!

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