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To the End and Back Again Part 2

I found a knife in the kitchen and started cutting my wrist. I kept cutting until I lost so much
blood that I went unconscious. The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital with
Jania beside me. She told the police and the hospital that she was my sister so they wouldn't
contact my parents.

When I could leave the hospital, I started to drink. I drank more then a 30 year old man
could. I ended up going into AA where I met 15 year old Noah. Maybe it was because he
reminded me so much of Connor, but we bonded so quickly. Noah was in a band that I
became a part of. I then met one of Noah's friends named Brandon. We started to date,
Brandon and I, and I thought he was everything that I needed. Brandon turned out to be
abusive and controlling. I couldn't leave him up until the night he raped me. The only reason
I could was because I hit him so hard in the head with the metal bat next to his bed that I
gave him a concussion. I ran from his house, and I ran right into Noah's arms. We dated for
a short period of time but ended up breaking up because we were too good of friends. We
still are friends to this day.

I dated a few people after him which led me to high school. I went to a school in a different
town. I met my current boyfriend named Pat. We were only dating a few months before I got
social anxiety and didn't leave my house for 6 months. I ended up having to transfer schools.
I had to come to my towns school so I could be in a special program for other people who
have the same problems that I do.

Jania joined the army about a year ago, and I met someone named Kevin. He was very
sweet and made me feel safe in Jania's absence. Like everyone else I've come to know,
Kevin left me alone, making me worse then I already was.

I found out a few days ago that Jania was killed in the war. Her legs were blown off and
because she was so small, she lost too much blood to survive. The girl that helped me
through everything is gone now. The people I've loved have all passed again and I will never
see them again. Nothing will ever be normal for me, and I will never feel safe. Maybe life
was planned out for me and all of this was supposed to happen. Maybe I was meant to be a
suicidal girl with anxiety, depression, anger management issues, trust issues, abandonment
issues and a recovering alcoholic. My life has given me the opportunity to love and cherish
every moment. So that's my life so far.

Sucks, doesn't it?

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