To My Mama

I loved you so much I hated you for how you hated me. I realized you never wanted me though you kept me. I cried when I was little, when you asked me if I would be sad or mad at you for wanting to kill yourself. I said no, because you wanted to be free and love makes you want to see the ones you love free. You didn't though, I know you didn't say here in this world for me. You always reminded me of that day you tried to kill me when I was three. You would smile and laugh. I was happy to make you happy. But I know you never wanted me, so you told me, no one does, why did you keep me around, I use to feel bad about having to be here on this earth with two parents who hated me as much as they hated themselves for loving one another But now I don't care and I forgive you both, for now I know what that numbness you felt the day you asked me permission to die I have the same numbness I don't need permission though Especially when it's going to be my own hand I just want to say I do love you even while you just tolerate me Me, the unwanted Death wants everyone though That's who I'll spend my forever with Death won't regret me And gladly welcome my company Where I can sit here in forever and eternity With that numbness becoming me I'll be okay my time on this earth is vastly winding down For once I don't want anyone to want me or love me I want an end And soon will it be all mine