Tired

It's been getting worse I see the end in the most innocent of items I dream of death Death of my family, friends Ironically never of myself The hollow inside my chest isn't leaving self hatred comes easily unhealthy coping habits are becoming harder to hide I don't care enough to try and replace them I don't care enough to ask for help I don't care enough to reach out I don't care I know I should feel worried or concerned, perhaps even scared of these thoughts but all I feel is tired and I know as the night ends, and the sun rises, and those I love are surrounding me - reminding me why I can't leave why I won't leave no matter how I want to I will be better. I will smile. I will breathe The hollow will be bandaged, forgotten, pushed to the sidelines but the ache is making itself known more often and more violently and I find myself having to work harder having to think and think and think about those I will hurt if I act on these thoughts and I have to remind myself over and over and over again that it is worth it people care people love you this will hurt them you can't hurt them you're too young there is more time more years more ways for this to get better it won't always be like this it can't be it won't be- and I wonder what is wrong with me. does everyone have to think these thoughts to keep living? is living this hard for everybody? do other people do this to themselves? can everybody else feel self hatred rattling in their bones? I'd ask... I would. But I have so many meaningless things I need to get done and I don't have time to get help I don't have time to learn how to love myself there's not enough time or is there too much time? wasn't that the problem? Too many days, too many years of living like this How many ways, all the methods running through my head, which I would chose what would be easiest on my family Do you have suicidal thoughts? no Do you have a plan? no I never fancied myself a liar I tell myself I'll get better, so there's no need to tell anyone No need to worry anyone over things that will soon disappear These problems that will cease to be They'll look at you differently . and god we can't have that . I know I'll be better, I'll smile, I'll breathe but these thoughts are like weeds, and I can never seem to pull out the roots and all of this should worry me- -I know it would worry any sane person I tell this to but all I feel is tired