Tired

Nobody knows. It has come back to haunt me. It will not go away. It has been almost 3 years now since it has returned. I am worse than ever. I am so tired. I am just. so. tired. I am tired of hiding. I am tired of hiding behind my fake happy smile. My smile is getting tired. How can I fake this forever? One of these days I don’t think it will be there anymore, it will change, and it will be gone. But until then, I will tell myself, you can be strong, fake it, fake it…..fake it. No one knows that I yell and scream at times, nightmares appear, I zone out and remember old and new, I hide away, I hurt in many ways, I avoid, I reminisce in my mind and don’t like it, memories are sporadic and sometimes flood in, I really want to be happy but what others do not know, I am not. I want to be normal again. Normal. Working on this will take a long time, so I am told…. …but, I am just….so….tired.