Tingling Numbness
Her screaming
Yet somehow i managed to see her death in my mind
Just to be reunited with him
I curled and rolled in bed
Missing and wishing
Crying and regretting
Stupid girl, some girls never learn
Repeating same mistakes over and over
Yet i lay there motionless
Unable to hear the beat of my heart
I had to check
Anxiety, emptyness..
I needed something but i didn't know what
I needed to escape but i didn't know where
I needed out of this body
I needed God
I had to check my spirituality
When was the last time i felt Him
Working in me
I've been so disconnected
Somehow my world feels unbalanced
I am so worried
It's killing me
My health is killing me
Mental health
Here comes the frequent topic again
The one thing that is now defining those close to me
I look at us and i see anxiety, depression, abuse and addictions
All those combined
All those at once is a recipe of the obvious disaster
Maybe am alone too much
Or maybe i shouldn't observe too much
Maybe i should just close my eyes and listen to the slowness of my heart beat
That always worries me
And instead of thinking of it and other things
I should just focus on the inner strengths
Those tiny fibers in there that haven't been tainted
Those little wires in there that can still fire a positive atom
Like today i thought of giving up on poetry
I feel so tired, am no longer interested
It's the same stories all the time
If it's not love it's dark, if not dark its sad, if not sad then maybe some happiness
Same stories just told differently
Nothing new
Maybe i should just take the antidepressant and call it life
If i have it, i have it
If i don't have, then i can't force it
Or should i wait for the breakdown
And then check myself in...so sure people will talk...a psych..place
Because i know it so well
Maybe i don't, it's my mind
It's the worrying...i think i inherited it
It's the sugar...i can't control myself
Yet i know the imminent danger
It's the fear of love
It's the fear of being loved
It's an emotional battle that i never win
It's wanting to hide but also wanting to be seen
It's wanting to be held but also wanting to be shunned
Can't please it
I don't know me
Copyright © Njeri Hunjeri | Year Posted 2015
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