Time To Go
Everything seems better when I am in my own world
Everything is better when there is no one there
Once when I had someone
When I felt friendlier
When all I wanted to do was be with someone
I never thought I could think of you leaving
But now you are gone
I would never allow anybody fill a space within me
I don’t want to feel the pain again
That pain of losing you
I don’t want that for myself
So now I locked up myself in my own world
I need no one else in my life
No more pain to put up with
The bleaker the better
Because right now I feel nothing but numbness
And that’s how I want it to be.
No more pain
Just a bleak world
It seems now that life is okay if it’s just me
The bleaker the better
And life feels safer when I am just here thinking
All the suicidal thoughts going through my mind
And all the pictures of you gone away
Nothing for me to go back on you
Nothing for you to bring me to sadness
That was the worst emotion I ever experience
Life has never been better after you left my life
After you left me alone, shabby and left to be trashed around
All the apologies I received wasn't for me but for you
It wasn't something that I could do without you
Everything that goes wrong in my life was addressed to your death
The silence brought me out of your world
Your lively world that always brought a smile to my face
But now all I want to do was escape that world
The people in that world of yours look at me sickly
I need no comfort
I just want everything to go back to normal
Left me to cry
It reminded me of the times you wiped my cheeks
Telling me you hated seeing me crying
Hated looking at me sad
But you were not there to wipe my tears
So I bawled my eyes out
Until I felt nothing
That’s all I felt
And I wanted to feel no other pain
I would usually pick up an object
Imagining the time you died
The way you did kill yourself
I wanted to do just the same
All those stupid therapy I was being pushed into
Only leading me on the more
I wanted nothing more than to curl my fingers around those ropes
Around those ropes that I planned on staining with my blood
Or that knife that just lay on my bedside table
Or the needle that was continuously used to draw blood from me
That needle always being in my and as I went on with my work
The piercing sting only pulling me out of my thoughts on you
Or the tablets that lay on my bathroom shelf
That I could take all in a doze
Or the firearm that always stayed in the room not far away
Or the busy street that bled with the honking horns
Just a step in the middle when the green comes on
I just thought of all ways
I have always wanted to be next to you
Just watch you and recall the time I suffered without you
Those times that are still going on now
But then you always evaded my sleepless mind
Tough sleeping pills were prescribed to me
Those drugs I dreaded taking with my nurse beside me
Why doesn’t anyone trust that we are different?
Even though one way or another that we are going to end up at the same place
Right now strategies where engineering itself in my head
Ways of escaping my new prison
Not my world but my new prison
I needed a friend that would understand
And you were the only friend that understood me
The only friend that would have never let me down
But now I am here letting out my stored sorrow
Only getting out of my thoughts by the draw of my own blood
If only I was that friend you needed
That friend that you would have kept you from such act that went on in your life
The act I know no reason that lead to
I wanted it from just your lips
Your problems then I would have comforted you
I would have protected you the way you protected me
But now I don’t have someone like you
Or to say I need no one like you to occupy that space again
I didn’t need any more pain
Now there was no you
I see your pain
I wasn’t like you
I wasn’t as comforting
I didn’t put anyone forward
And now that I can’t live without you
I won’t live without you
And I will bring the knife to my wrist
And slash till I feel the world going on again
Goodbye until we see ourselves again
Just in a little while
Bye for now though.
Copyright © Sindy Onyejekwe | Year Posted 2017
Post Comments
Poetrysoup is an environment of encouragement and growth so only provide specific positive comments that indicate what you appreciate about the poem. Negative comments will result your account being banned.
Please
Login
to post a comment