The Outsider

I always felt the outsider, looking through an open door. I know I was invited, but I didn’t know what was in store. Spent most my life looking out. I never let anyone look in. However, I really wanted them to. I never made true friends. There were people that I knew, with whom I would hang out. But, I remained the outsider, still possessing doubts. Because of my unstable home and not wanting them to see, my life was not one, like theirs and I never thought it to be It never was that easy, to make and keep new friends. In fact, to this very day, I will swear it never ends. These feelings of unsurety that crawl into my head still keep me from reaching out and keep my demons fed. They prey upon my open mind when I’m trying to be heard and push me back, away again, never to be cured. When I was young, emotionally scarred, I battled to be free and open up to those I knew. I was afraid of what they’d see. That home that I was coming from; drinks, fighting and abuse engraved into my very soul, I’d never win, I’d lose. As a parent, I tell my children, to open up and trust. They will see and keep true friends, for having them, a must. I hope that they will always see, though no friends come by for me, It doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t always trust and try to be the best of friends with many others that they think are worth while. I hope that they can keep their friends and inflict no self denial. For if they do, then I have failed in trying to teach them right. Because, by example, I’ll always be, forever in a fight with all my demons that keep me from making any new friends For to this day, I still put up walls. Some message all that sends!